Travel rant

This past weekend we headed to Chicago for yet another wedding. At 8:00 am we arrived at National, ready to catch our 10:15 flight. At 11:40 PM (Eastern) we hit Chicago's runway. Our day featured a delayed flight, missed connection, a detour from National to Dulles to find another flight, super-secret security fun complete with an ion scan and "full" pat down, another delayed flight and finally, to top it all off, a nice hour-long sit on a runway. So fun. We missed rehearsal and the rehearsal dinner, and ended up wandering through greater Naperville, IL searching for a dive that would serve food at 11:30 p.m. (central - 12:30 eastern).

The tally for the weekend?
27 hours travel
28 hours in Illinois (16 spent sleeping = 12 waking hours).

It's no wonder that our airline system goes belly up every few years. It's plagued with ineffencies, poor management and it's a logistical nightmare. During my 27 hours of standing in line, I figured out the solution. One single company could replace this entire f'd up system. They'd start completely from scratch and own all their own airports, planes and staff. Here's a rough outline of how it would work:

• New airports. They would have one and only one carrier, making them small, private, with 64 major city departures and 32 local flights daily between 6 am and 10 pm. That's 6 flights an hour departing and 6 flights arriving - piece of cake. The airports would remain small and intimate. As more travelers flux into the system, new airports would be added around the city in strategic locations (North, South; West, East).
• Ambience. Keeping with the massive current trend of customization, each airport would have a similar "feel" with a flair for the location (think Starbucks). They'd feature comfy seating in the airport; free WiFi while you wait; upper tier vendors; the smells of baked goods and coffee as you enter. No more toilet-bowl-cleaner smelling waiting areas.
• Consistent rates. No sitting online waiting to pounce on a low rate. The rates would be the same from month to month, with quarterly adjustments as needed. The "Saturn" model if you will (no hassle, no haggle).
  
• In-flight food. This one is simple, folks. Hit up the food and beverage companies for snack sizes of their latest, hottest items. They'd get free promo on the plane (Today's snack courtesy of Kraft. Touch the screen for nutrition info...) and all they'd have to do is provide product. For longer flights, feature frozen entrees in the same manner - Wolfgang Puck's new entrees come to mind. Fed passengers = happier passengers = happier employees. Easy equation.
• Corporate discounts. Entice the early adopters by negotiating large corporate contracts. It will ensure the start-up costs are recouped quicker.
• Top-of the line planes with comfortable seating, interactive screens on the back of each seat, the latest safety options, etc. So we lose 4 seats on the plane by having seats that recline more than 5 degrees. We'll make up the difference by having full flights.
• Courteous flight attendants. Much like you would not expect to find a McDonalds employee waiting tables at Ruth Chris, no United attendants would be a part of this air service (yes, still bitter).

Now, all I need is a few billion to get this baby off the ground. Anyone have Trump's or Gate's home number?

Travel

So, we made yet another road trip sans kids. This time we both left them, for the first time, to go to a wedding in Charlotte. The wedding was great (Congrats Nap and Amelia!), but we were anxious to get home after it all. In fact, Jason was so anxious, that he was pulled for doing 86 in a 65 zone just outside of Charlotte. Sweet. I don't know why he can't figure out cruise control. Luckily, the cop was nice and dropped it to 74 and sent us our merry way with only a fine-yielding sort of ticket.

The rest of the way was pretty tame, until this moron came flying by our car, weaving in and out of traffic. I was just telling Jason that it was (I'll use nice words here) "morons" like him that get people killed when, surprise of all surprises, he lost control, went all over the lanes and ended up flipping 3 times on the side of the road. In the interest of sensitive readers, Oh Poo. We pulled over, and I ran out of the car, yelling at Jason to call 911. I stopped cold when I saw the wreckage and heard the sounds. I did NOT want to be a part of what was happening. Luckily, quite a few others stopped too, and people dove into action, trying to see if anyone was alive, beating out windows, bandaging those getting cut on glass. We did what we could, Jason made the report to 911, I helped the guy who bashed out all the glass to get some bandages so he wasn't bleading, etc... until the driver got out, obviously intoxicated, and started trying to pull people out of the wreckage. When we told him not to (neck injuries and such), he started getting crazy.

Another woman came up and started screaming about "her baby" and it just started to spiral out of control. As there was now a small army of people gathered, Jason and I figured we were only in the way (by then a nurse and off-duty paramedic were there), that the drama was going to lead to trouble and that we didn't want to be there for it, so we went on. We were so in shock, it didn't even dawn on us until much further down the road (after hitting a squirrel - darn rodents) that we should have left a statement.

I don't know why, but I seem to come upon these horrific accidents about once a year or so. I've seen a woman with a stop sign through her head who (we think) had a seizure while driving, a drunk woman in a ditch upside down, two elderly couples in a minivan that catapulted of 81... plus many minor accidents. Are they just way more prevelant these days, or am I just "lucky"?

I usually do much better in these types of situations. I stay calm, help out, leave a report, whatever. But this time around, I was freaking out internally. I think it's because I knew there were kids in there, and could see that I couldn't help and that it was bad. One girls eyes are still haunting me as I lay down to bed at night - I'm so anxious to know if she made it out ok. I've been reading the accident reports, but have seen no mention of this one. I hope that everyone in that vehicle is OK. I also kind of hope that someone beat the crap out of the guy that was driving before the cops got there. But that's a commentary I won't get into.

Next weekend is air travel to Chicago. Let's hope it is MUCH less eventful.

Reality Check

I have managed to convince myself these days that Sadie is a normal baby. After all, she's doing great, finally putting on weight, acting "normal"... I even find myself forgetting at times the hell we went through those first few months. Then I get a reality check.

Today was Sadie's cardiology appointment. Everything was perfect - her heart is functioning as expected, the valves are great, the pulmonary artery isn't stretched to far, the coronary arteries aren't kinked. She's 18 lbs 3 ozs and 27.75 inches now, so right on target. So why am I feeling so blue? He said almost good things today, though he did say that he was surprised that she was so alert - he had expected a bit of a zombie after all of the problems we had with drug addiction/withdrawal.

I guess it just all kind of hits when you go back to the cardiologists office. A whirlwind of memories comes flooding back. Until faced with the man who gave me the news that scary first night of Sadie's life, I can pretend it's a bad dream. Dr. Albrecht (her cardiologist) is wonderful - I think the world of him, and can never thank him enough for saving her life.

I guess my emotions really hit when our conversation about what to expect from this point out. He only wants to see her annually this year. Any time we want to sign her up for a new sport/activity, we should call, order a stress test and EKG and clear it first. Although they're lifting the recommendation for most "heart" kids to get antibiotics before surgical and dental procedures, he still wants her to do it, given her history. But the thing that got me was when we were chatting after the visit. He was telling me about his best friend's son, who had TGA as well. He was one of the first to undergo the "switch" operation Sadie had, and is 21 and active (a lacrosse player in college) today. Albrecht was telling me that, hopefully, Sadie will be able to be just as active, and "maybe even live long enough and be well enough to have children..." but that he couldn't tell me more than that. They don't know how long this surgery will "keep" or what is in store. For all we know, at 30 the stress on the pulmonary vein may be too much. Many kids have had complications, and the numbers just aren't in yet to know what odds are.

Not that I'm trying to be pessimistic - he was telling me this to try to encourage me. He also said that for all we know, she may live longer than any of us, and be more healthy. It should have been a comfort, but instead, it scared the heck out of me. I've been able to hold on this long by just thinking about today, the next year or two, etc. I haven't really thought about her future too much, or if there would be long-term complications. It just reminded me that although we've moved on, she's doing well and we're back to the "norm," she will never be truly "normal."

Sweet Escape

Not only is the title of Katie's favorite song these days (unfortunately), it's what I did last weekend and am considering doing in two weeks. Last weekend I was in Asheville for a weekend of ghost-hunting, wine-tasting, mansion-viewing and a dash of work. It was so much fun - I'd forgotten what it was like to be an adult without children clamoring for my attention every moment of every day. Not that I don't like it - I love my kids more than life itself. But everyone needs a breather.

So then this past week I got an invitation to go to Scotland for work - all expenses paid for 4 days, to tour Aberdeen. Includes castle visits, 5-star restaurants, golf, 5-star accommodations... and I can't decide if I want to do it. I have to make the decision tonight. While I enjoyed last weekend, it was only 2.5 days. This is 5. It also wasn't an ocean away. But, then again, how often does one come upon the chance to go to Scotland for free? On a fun trip? I'd be going on my own, which makes it even more of a draw - I could really roll up my sleeves and get some work done. Try to relearn how to sleep through the night (couldn't do it in Asheville). Listen to some great accents. Aaaah... I guess I'll decide tomorrow. It's bad timing, as it is the week after Jas and I go out of town for a wedding, and two weeks prior to the next wedding we are out of town for as well. Enough about me and my wanderlust.

Sadie's now 9 months. Still not crawling, still no teeth, but doing tons of cute things. If you ask her if she's sick, she'll cough. Ask her if she likes sweet potatoes and she'll nod her head and go "ya-ya-ya". Calls my breasts "baba" when she's hungry. Oh, and she says "bug". Everything is a 'bug'.

Katie's finishing up her school year, and it will be her last year at her current preschool. We're holding her back one more year before Kindergarten (she's right at that cutoff), so we're debating what to do next year with preschool vs. home learning. She's starting to come along with her letters and reading - she's got a good handle on most 3-4 letter words when it comes to sounding them out. She spends hours on the potty practicing her penmanship (don't ask).

In other non-important news, Darla (our dog) got attacked by a neighbor dog this week while we were out for a walk. She's ok (sore and tired, but seems to be fine), but it scared the living heck out of me, Katie and Sadie. All I could think to do was grab the dog and hope for dear life I could a) keep him from the kids, b) get her off Darla and c) not get eaten alive. Katie froze -when I said it was OK and we could walk away she said her legs were shaking too bad to walk. Sadie just screamed through it all (she loves Darla). I was too much in shock to berate the owners for not having him chained up, and I'm still trying to decide what to do about it. They were apologetic and said they'd pay for the vet bill, but that's not enough. I'm sick and friggin tired of living in a neighborhood overrun by aggressive dogs. If you know me at all, you know I'm a complete freak about animals - I love them. But I've been tempted to get a taser or something to keep with me to get them when they come up to us or Darla. I've called animal control a half-dozen times, as have my employees at various times, but nothing is done.
Any ideas?

In "The News"

Last night we took both girls to their first concert... and I'm not ashamed to admit it was Huey Lewis and the News. We weren't sure how they'd hold up (especially since they didn't come on until bedtime), but Katie and Sadie LOVED it. Sadie was bobbing her head and smacking her thighs, Katie was mesmerized by the musicians and loved shouting, dancing and clapping with the crowd. When we got home, I asked her what her favorite parts were, and she said she loved the guitars and when they sang "with just their voices" (accapella). She asked what the name of the band was, and when I told her, she said "Mommy, when I grow up I want to be in The News and sing too." Watch out rock'n roll hall of fame, here comes Katie.

Overall, it was a fair show. Huey's showing his age a bit, but vocally sounded as good as he did in the 80s. Katie was very impressed that he sang the songs in Disney's Oliver and Company, which I have a feeling we'll be watching a LOT in the weeks to come. This morning she asked for "The News" over her favorite Gwen Stefani track on the way to school. Yikes. We might have created a monster.

Total LOST junkie...

I don' t know how I'm going to get my fix... I'm a total LOST addict, and this was the best season ever. Now I have to get through the summer without it. Not to mention Heroes is done (what a lame way to end the season) and Idol is finito. What will I DVR now? Two episodes of Sopranos. Then I guess I'll start reading through my normal TV fix in the evenings. Summer can be so cruel.

In one of the last episodes of Lost, Charlie, knowing he was about to die, wrote down his five best moments in life. Being the total dork I am, I decided to try it myself. The amazing thing I discovered is that my top 5 those things happened in the last 4 years of my life. The other thing I realized through this exercize is that many of my happiest moments came at the expense of major "tragedies" in my life. I guess it was a reminder for me that, even in the midst of grief, loss, fear and sadness, great things and beautiful moments still happen.

I could easily come up with top 10 (actually, the list ended up being around 25). There are so many other favorite memories... happy childhood moments, beach vacations, my first kiss, the concert I met Jason at (Lollapallooza!), road trips all over the country with Cristen, my dad teaching me to dance, going to Longwood with Mom, the girls calling me "mama" the first time... it took me forever to narrow down the five "best." But this is the list I ended up with in the end. What are yours?

Here's what I came up with:
1. Katie's birth. That first time around is such a miracle - you have no idea what to expect and how your life will change. Katie looked up at me, and I've been her slave ever since.
2. Holding Sadie the first time. Imagine having a newborn and not holding her... watching her suffer, worrying she wouldn't survive. Then, magically, one day she is better and you get to hold her. She screamed the entire time, but it was magic, none the less.
3. Sadie's birth. Even though bittersweet, the actual process of giving birth without any drugs, in hindsight (not at the time) was a very rewarding and fulfilling experience. Would I do it again? Heck no. Hook me up to the drug machines. But the pride I felt for getting through it and living was immense.
4. The final moments I had with Nana. Jason's grandmother will have a lasting and lingering effect on my life. The communication we shared near her final days, both verbal and non-verbal, will stay with me forever. I always felt at peace in her home with her, and I miss her.
5. Getting my degree. Walking down the aisle, knowing I'd done it on my own, albeit the hard way, and that it was worth all those years of headache, debt, etc.

OK, and now because I know you care, here's the update on the girls the last few weeks. Katie came down with the flu on Mother's day. Sadie joined the party a few days later, followed by me. We all started feeling a bit better on Sunday of last week, when Jason suddenly threw out his back by picking up something off the lawn. He was just feeling left out, I think.

Katie is getting super excited about summer. She's got a million things lined up - classes (Tae Kwon Do, ballet, swimming, Spanish), play dates and other fun stuff. We're debating doing KD passes again this year. She had a blast going there last year. I'm hoping to work only 3 days a week (meaning working nights even longer hours, but at least i can get out), so that will be nice.

Sadie is "talking" up a storm. She's doing all kinds of sounds, and has mastered "Hi" and "Mama" - often using them together when I walk in the door, and waving like mad. She looks like if she keeps waving so hard she'll take off and fly. She's still not crawling, but that's ok. I know it's coming soon enough. She's decided to wean herself, which I'm kind of sad about. Actually very sad about. I feel like it was way too short. But she hasn't been gaining weight like she should, and she wants more than I can seem to keep up with, even with pumping in odd hours. So, I guess I need to just accept the inevitable. Next week she'll be 9 months!

Mother's Day Saved at the bottom of the 9th

So, I had a very crappy Mother's Day this year for the most part. I'd had no sleep the night before, was up early with the girls, they were both cranky and sick most the day, Jason didn't pitch in... it just sucked. That is, until toward the end. I was about in tears because it had been such a bad day, when all of a sudden Sadie looked up at me, threw up her hands for me to pick her up and said "Mama." That's right... dog be darned! I got to be Sadie's first word! (Katie said "Darla" (our dog) first). She's made the mama noises quite a bit lately, but I never could be sure before yesterday that she had connected that mama=me. There was no doubt in her actions yesterday! It instantly went from being my worst day to one of my best. Jason's very lucky, because he was inches from sleeping in the garage.

Katie is currently on this kick about asking questions concerning reproduction. She wants to know where everything comes from. Questions this week have ranged from "Do lady bugs carry babies in their tummies?" to "Do horses push babies out of a hole in their bottom?" to "Can cats have their tummies cut to pull the babies out like some mommies do?" Usually these conversations take place at inappropriate times when in public. I'm loving it. On the plus side, I find myself looking up things like insect reproduction late at night so I have some valid answers the next morning.

Sadie's getting long and remains fairly thin for a baby. I think she might be 17 lbs now. Length-wise she's outgrowing those 6-12 month sleepers, but they're still baggy around the middle. Of course, I worry myself sick over how much she eats. She still only eats small quantities every couple of hours. She's babbling a lot these days, and does this crazy rocking number that has caused quite a few bruises already. Mostly on me. She also pinches everything - me, the dog, her sister - and it really hurts. I'll be glad when this phase passes. No crawling yet, but she's inching forward on her belly.

Here are some bragging photos. I've been failing miserably in my mommy duties of posting them lately.

Katie, 4 1/2 yrs. And yes, those are weeds galore in the rock bed. Oh well. At least Katie looked pretty! This is one of the very few times she's worn a dress in the last year or two without fighting it.

Sadie, 7 months in a gorgeous dress a friend gave (thanks, Patty! Both girls' dresses were beautiful!). She ate the bow about 10 minutes into the pictures.

Good Morning, PoPo!

I awoke this morning to a series of beeping noises. I listened, didn't hear the kids moving (it was 5:45 am), so kept snoozing... too tired from the frequent wake up calls from the night before to get up and turn off (what I assumed) to be the alarm clock. Little did I know that the beeping noises were prelude to the loud alarm that was about to go off. Katie had opened the front door to "look outside at the weather", which had tripped our alarm. I ran downstairs to a hysterical 4-year old covering her ears and rocking in a corner, tears streaming down her face. I punched in the code, only to hear a woman's voice come over the system - "Are you OK?"
"Yes"
"I hear screaming"
"It's my 4 year old. She's scared of the alarm."
"Please give me your verbal password"
Ok, well, I set up this system almost 2 years ago, and have never used a verbal password. Great. I run through my list of passwords that I commonly use (there are like a million) until the frustrated woman on the other end of my alarm system sighed in exhasperation and said she'd call the number I had listed to verify. She called, I answered. Talked. Still didn't know the password. She said she'd call another number. No other phone rang.

A few minutes later, a nice police officer showed up. Again Katie began to panic and ran to her room crying loudly. I explained what happened (by this time I was holding Sadie, also crying), and he was kind enough to believe me. I then fixed the strongest cup of coffee known to man and gave up on further sleep for the day.

Sadie is now 8 months - it's hard to believe. She's scooting forward on her belly and starting to "talk" more. Today we went to NoVa to see Jason's brother's 50th birthday (Happy Bday Carl!) and she clearly said "mama" several times when she was being held by others and wanted me. Yay! I've been seriously worried she's autistic, so this is a very good sign. I guess she's just not the talker Katie was. Of course, it's hard for Sadie to get a word in edgewise with Katie around...

Jason was out of town last weekend to visit in Blacksburg, and was out of town for the last 4+ days to a boys weekend in Vegas. I've had nonstop drama for 3 of the 4 days. Puking, Pouting, Hurt Knee, Screaming, Leaky Fridge, Sleepless Nights, Low-flying Military Helicopters Circling for an Hour at Bed Time, Police Visitation and Outlandishly Early Mornings are just a few of my favorite highlights. He owes me SOOOOOOO big.

Another one bites the dust

On Wednesday, Katie's final guppy died. We started with five, and they had passed one by one, until this one was left. Of course he was the ugliest, most beat-up looking one of them all. He was called SpongeBob (by her because he was yellow/orange, by me because, even for a fish, he was pretty stupid). Katie was broken hearted. It took me off gaurd, because she's never cried over a fish, frog or snail before. And we've had quite a few.

We said our goodbyes, declared Wednesday a day of morning for him and sent SpongeBob via the porcelain express to fish heaven. Every hour or two after that Katie informed me that she really, really missed her fish. And that Gary, the snail, was lonely. Each time I'd confirm that it was OK to feel sad, and said that, when she felt like it, we could go get a new one. She said, "Maybe someday, Mommy. But right now I'm too sad." Well, someday arrived on Friday.

Friday morning arrived and Katie informed me she was ready for a new finned friend. At PetSmart she found a Betta that had escaped from it's little cubby into the big fish tank. She loved him, and wouldn't even consider another. He did still have color to him (as opposed to most who looked pretty white) and seemed active, so I finally caved.

Katie was thrilled over her new fish. She made phone calls. She made plans for show and tell. She told everyone she saw. That night the fish had kisses showered upon him (blown through the glass). I was told that in the morning, I would learn of the fish's new name.

Morning came, and the fish was not only alive (I breathed a huge sigh of relief), but had been named... Hokie Swimmy. Swimmy is her last name (don't try to tell Katie it's a male). Day 2 came and went, and the fish had a steady stream of conversation coming its way. In fact, that may be why the next day, she found him, laying on the bottom, belly up. Ahhh, Hokie Swimmy. Such a short life in our home.

Hokie Swimmy was the "bestest fish that was most ever loved ever." Yes, she was a "very, very special buddy." Thus, when the funeral arrangements were being planned, it was decided that the toilet just did not provide the appropriate reverence required for this mournful event. A coffin was thus fashioned from a toilet paper tube, and decorated with a snail (so he'd never forget Gary), a happy face (for fish heaven) and a butterfly. A tombstone was also crafted with his name and a heart. The burial took place behind the play area, under an oak tree, and Katie dug the grave herself. She wanted him near her swing, so she could always remember what a good fish he was. She said goodbye, then sat down in the grass and had another good cry. Sadly, I found myself tearing up just a little to see such a display of affection for a $3.42 fish.

So, we're off to Petsmart again tomorrow. I hope I can convince her to get a few goldfish. They're easier to replace without her knowledge.

The Final Emotion

An article was published yesterday on TechSideline.com that summarises my thoughts and feelings much more eloquently than I am able to write them at this point and time. It's a bit wordy, but so well captures how most of us (Hokies and VT friends and family) feel.


The Final Emotion
by Will Stewart, TechSideline.com


Apr 18, 2007

I am in the business of writing, of articulating my thoughts, of putting into words what others may only sense as a blur of feelings. I have never backed down from the challenge, be it capturing the emotion of a landmark victory, the pain of an agonizing defeat, the triumph and heartbreak that are part and parcel of athletics, even the horror of 9/11 over five years ago. It is my calling, my passion, my God-given talent. But I fear this ... this is too much.

I am not speaking lightly when I say that I cannot comprehend the loss suffered by the families, friends, and loved ones of this tragedy. I have tried to imagine what it must be like to suddenly lose someone close to you in this way. But I can't. I have a wife and three children, and when I try to put myself in that place, that terrible place where so many people have been thrown with no recourse, I can't.

It has only been two days since it happened, but it feels like forever. I am exhausted from being exposed to the brunt of it, from the message boards to the constant news coverage, to the conversations of family and friends, to the scenes on the Virginia Tech campus. Others have said they can't sleep. Not I. When I have fallen into bed past midnight the last two nights, sleep has come easily. It's getting up the next morning that has been difficult. We never thought this would be us. We have watched these kinds of tragedies from afar, but this one has hit us where we live.

The media have descended from around the world, poking, prodding, and worst of all, trying to place blame. An immense amount of pressure has been brought to bear on the Virginia Tech community, first by Cho Seung-Hui himself and then by the crush of international attention. While some of the coverage has been compassionate, much of it has not been, and some of it has bordered on cruel and sensationalistic. None of this surprises me, but being at the center of it still stings, and it changes your perceptions forever.

As I searched for meaning in what happened, I finally found it. I found it in the incredible poise, control, and togetherness shown by the Virginia Tech family. The true character of a person, group, or institution shows itself under pressure, and what the Virginia Tech community has shown us is grace, cohesion, intelligence, and compassion.

I have always thought that there was something different about Hokies, and the last few days have proven it. We always talk about the passion that Hokies have for Virginia Tech, about the special connection they feel to the university, and this tragedy has shown that talk doesn't ring hollow. If it wasn't true, if there wasn't a special bond between members of the Virginia Tech community, then they would have flown apart in the face of this adversity. They did not. They drew together and showed the world a united front.

Those interviewed by the media refused, for the most part, to be drawn into the baiting questions that sought to place blame on university president Charles Steger and the Virginia Tech Police Department. The very students who were in danger Monday let the world know where they stand when they applauded Dr. Steger at Tuesday's convocation service. The vultures were circling, hoping to pick the bones, but the people at Virginia Tech refused. They showed what it means to be Hokies. They drew together.

The students in particular have exceeded my expectations. We tend to think of them just as kids. Loud, shallow, self-centered, focused on the trivial, often spoiled. Adorned with body piercings, tattoos, and too much facial hair.

What we have seen instead, in the countless interviews of students on news channels up and down the dial, are bright, articulate, respectful individuals that any university would be flattered to call its own. Well-groomed, well-spoken, wearing dress clothes, ties, even suits, patiently answering questions, keeping their composure in the face of more than most of us will ever experience. I am on the one part humbled -- they are better people than I was at their age -- and on the other part proud.

Well done, students of Virginia Tech. You are representative of the type of people Virginia Tech is admitting and producing -- you, not Cho Seung-Hui -- and I am proud of both you and my university.

From the beautiful and gifted Reema Samaha to the cheerful, intelligent and talented Ryan Clark, Cho's victims were pictures of inspiration. These were not vapid, self-centered individuals. It is sad that their lives were cut short, but perhaps the way they conducted those lives will inspire others. They make me wish I could go through college again, to be more like them.

By the nature of what I do for a living, my window into the Virginia Tech world is athletics. Among the fans, athletics is about passion. It is about pride in victory and anguish in defeat. These emotions are always strong, always out of proportion to the importance of the games themselves, but I have always felt that with Virginia Tech fans, there was something beyond the typical fan relationship with their sports teams. Now that I have seen that passion and togetherness extend beyond the playing fields and the stadiums and coliseums and into the glare of this awful spotlight, I know it to be true.

Being a Hokie is not a mercenary relationship. It is not a business proposition. It is not an exchange of goods and services for money. It is a shared bond, a love that comes from somewhere we don't understand and can't explain to others. We do not take from this university; it gives to us. Perhaps when we first arrive on its campus, we have our own selfish interests in mind, but by the time we leave, we are transformed. We are Hokies.

It is sad and tragic that this happened to us. Because we love this university, we are devastated by what happened here. But if it was necessary for us to suffer in order for others to benefit, it is a burden we will bear, because our motto -- Ut Prosim, That I May Serve -- tells us that's what we must do. If our tragedy brings you together, if our loss makes you safer and makes you value what is important in life, if our suffering is not in vain, then we are prepared to shoulder this load ... so you don't have to. That has always been the mission of this university, and we are honored to carry it out.

Do not let the deaths of these 32 victims be in vain. Look into your hearts and see what it teaches you, and how you may be better because of what we have gone through. And know that when the bodies are in the earth, when the media has left, when others have moved on and life resumes its course, that for us, there is only one emotion left: Love. Love for this university, love for the people who died on April 16th, 2007, and love for those who are left behind. Remember this, and what happened here will not have been for naught.

William Neal Stewart
Virginia Tech, BSEE 1987

Hokie Pride

Reading my post yesterday, I realize the shock and anger that I felt. I've surfed the web for a few minutes today, and see that other alum are feeling the same way I do - angry at the media, grieving for the losses to our fellow Hokies.

After watching the convocation today, I felt something else... a very real sense of pride for the students that are there. I was brought to tears by the standing ovation that Dr. Steger received when he stepped up to the podium. I'm not ashamed to say I clapped along with them. After the hours of scrutiny that the press have put him through, I had thought that there may be a big backlash from the students. I was stupid to underestimate the brains behind the students of VT. Like her alumni, VT's student body is not swayed by the mass media - we know Steger, and the rest of those at VT did their very best, and we thank them for all they have done and are doing to make sense of it all. Yes, there were some terrible lessons learned - but now is a time to mourn this loss. Shame on the media for muddying the waters by trying to tear apart the student body and VT support system, instead of trying to bring together and build up the nation's support for these grieving families.

Yesterday was a day of shock, and today the grief begins to set in. To see the photos of those that were lost, to learn about their lives. It especially struck me how one professor survived the holocaust lost his life while trying to protect his students from a madman. One of the professors had published in one of my client's scientific journals. It is all so close to home.

Please keep Virginia Tech students and their families in your thoughts and prayers and help us in uniting to support the families in loss.

The vultures descend

Thirty-three people are dead. Many more injured.
All at my beloved alma mater.

The headlines and media personality are what are really surreal to me. I'm sitting here trying to get some actual news - who did this? Why? Who was injured?

What do I get instead? Matt Lauer reporting on how long it takes to cross the Drill Field. Bryant Gumball practicing his "serious concerned" look. Double-yuh reading a script. Every major media personality descending upon my favorite small town. Today more than ever I reaffirm why I abhore American media. I want the news, darn it. I don't need to know how it makes Larry King "feel sad."

In the days and weeks to come, I know this tragedy will be analyzed, again and again. I know that many will come forward with their stories, and, like many, I will feel forced to watch it in some hope of making sense of what happened.

Just a minute - here comes Dr. Phil to help us "make sense of it all." Oh thank goodness.

Soapbox and media orgy aside, my most heartfelt thoughts and prayers go out to everyone who lost someone they love today. As a fellow Hokie, my condolences go to the students and alumni who are reeling from it all. To the mothers who lost children, the wives who lost husbands, the girls who lost the loves of their lives... I am so incredibly sorry for their losses. I'm sad for those who got up, went to class this morning, and expected a German lesson, but lost their lives.

And finally, a note to one of my favorite people who should have been in Norris this morning, but chose to skip class. I'm so glad you're a slacker.

Rocky week

I haven't posted lately because things have been a bit on the glum side lately.

Easter was fine. We got together with both families. Stress abounded, tensions were high, the usual tears were shed. I threw out my back. Sadie and Katie are exhausted and today has been a long lesson in payback for not letting them get enough sleep yesterday. It was a typical holiday (sigh).

The friends that we made at UVA Medical Center are still there with their little girl, Maddie. Maddie is a day older than Sadie. They are at the end of their journey with Maddie, and she is preparing to leave this world. It's eating at me that such a perfect little baby has had to suffer, and that Jeff and Kathy couldn't be normal parents. I feel so guilty that Sadie is OK, when Maddie is not. I feel so badly for them that this is their only child, and they have barely had time to hold her, and never had a single "normal" moment without tubes, schedules, meds and stress. They are having a tough time letting Maddie go, and understandably so. I just hope that she is not suffering, and that Jeff and Kathy will have the strength to be able to say goodbye on their own terms. Please keep her and her parents in your prayers.

10 Reasons I Will Never Go to Walmart Again.

Today I was forced to go to Walmart. I have managed over the past 6 months or so to avoid it except on two occassions. The local Walmart is less than 5 miles from my house, and open 24 hours. With "rock bottom" prices, it is tempting for one to think it is worthwhile and safe to go there. I've never really loved Walmart. In fact, I barely tolerated it to begin with . But today I topped 10 reasons, so I officially am beginning my personal boycot of Sam's Evil Empire. Here's why:

10. It's dirty. Ewww.

9. Bad business ethics. Booo.

8. They're morons when it comes to logistics. Sure, it may cut costs, but don't be stupid about it. Restocking at the busiest time of the day (e.g. 4:00 on a Sunday afternoon) is not smart or efficient. C'mon people.

7. The obvious shoplifting that occurs around me is downright annoying. People don't even try to be sneaky. (Example - conversation overheard today "Should I get the red or orange?" reply "It doesn't matter, just take 'em both. You're stealing them anyway.") I could make off with an entire cart without being noticed if I didn't have these annoying things called morals. So I stand in line and pay while watching others walk away with hundreds of dollars in merchandise - right under the rent-a-cops noses.

6. Apparantly, being in Walmart gives parents full rights to let their children run through the aisles screaming, without supervision. In fact, it seems to be encouraged. I understand if you can't get your baby to stop screaming (believe me, I really understand). However, once they're 2 or so, enough is enough. No, tying them to a cart is not a solution.

5. I really don't save anything more than shopping at my local Target. Unfortunately, Target doesn't have all the food items yet (specifically produce), but they added wine a few weeks ago (yay Target!), so we're getting there. Please, Target, please. Stay open till 11, add produce and meats and you will see an even bigger percentage of my paychecks!

4. Walmart is ugly. Just walking in there makes you feel cheap. It smells like I imagine Bangladesh smells (my friend who lived there several years called it the armpit of the world).

3. The parking lot is scary - potholes, carts everywhere, shady people hanging out in their cars just watching you... and no matter where you park, you're at least a mile from the store.

2. They purposely put everyday items on opposite ends of the store (dog food, baby items, groceries) to force you through the maze of madness. To get dogfood I had to walk through toys. To go to the diapers I had to trapse through electronics and tents. To get food, I had to go through bedding. I just don't have time for that crap.

1. I like to go shopping without witnessing two arrests, a near brawl, surly staff, abused children and migrant farmers trying to cop a feel. Is that too much to ask?!

So next time I need food, I'll pay a fortune at Ukrops and talk to all the old biddies who want to tell me about their favorite types of cheese. If I need personal care items, I'll head to Target and sip a Frappaccino while checking out the latest in the growing line of designers that have sold out to mainstream America.

And, if I'm in the mood to see first-hand action rivaling the Springer show or COPS, I'll head to Walmart. Seeing that I hate those shows, you won't be seeing me in Walmart any time soon.

Eau de New Car

On Saturday we finally bit the bullet and decided it was time for some new wheels.

I LOVE the smell of new car. Yummy. We ended up settling on the new Saturn Aura. It's a sweet ride, fully decked out, and a huge step up from our little Civic. Yes, the Civic will be moving on. I love that car, and actually was a bit teary as we drove it to the dealership (where we found out they'd give us basically nothing for it). That car has 175,000 miles, and still runs like a gem. It's been wrecked 3-4 times (depending on if you ask Jason or me), driven over about a third of the country, several times, and was the first car we bought together. After 11 years, it's time to cut the cord and move up a bit.

Marriage and Snuggles

It was a fun weekend with the girls. I've got some great stories from both of them.

So some background before beginning the first. When I was pregnant with Sadie, Katie had tons of questions. Somehow, in explaining them, wires got crossed and she began to tell us that you had to get married to have a baby. Now I've never told her that, as I'm perfectly fine with non-traditional means of baby having/rearing, as long as the baby is in a healthy, loving relationship. I didn't want to explain to my four-year old how babies REALLY come about, nor my political/social views of proper baby-making and family rearing, so I just let it slide. This has come back to haunt me.

On Saturday morning I was bathing Sadie, who now requires multiple baths a day thanks to "solid" foods. Katie was helping me, as she loves to do. Sadie has this baby bath tub that on one side allows her to sit up, and the other side to lounge. She was sitting up on the "big baby" side, and Katie looked at me very seriously and said, "Mommy, you should get married again so that we can have a baby boy on this end."

Ummm. Yeah. Moving on...

At Sadie's 6 month appointment this week she hit the 50th percentile for everything except height, where she's in the 60th. Pretty darn amazing for a child who spent the first month of her life more or less comatose.

I have spent the last 6 months agonizing over when and if she would ever really connect with me. Up until the last week or so, she's loved everyone pretty much the same, showing no real bond. It's been tearing me up, but I try to play along, knowing that after all, it is common for a "normal" infant to do the same. Then, all of a sudden this week - magic. I got to snuggle, and I get "hugs". She waves bye bye and gets super excited when I walk in the room. Three nights this week I was able to get her down without having her scream herself to sleep. This is HUGE. It had never happened one night, let alone 3 in a row. Tonight, as I danced around the room with her trying to get a 4th night free of screaming (didn't happen), I realized that, while the doctors said months ago that Sadie was normal, she was not. Our lives were not. Finally, at long last, I can see an end to our long battles. As I snuggled my face in her hair and felt her heave one of her last give up sighs for the night I realized that I am probably the happiest mommy in the world at the moment. Two beautiful, healthy and happy girls. There's nothing better I could dream of.

C'mon Barbie, Let's go Potty (oh, oh, o-oh)

Katie's latest big thing is karaoke dance parties hosted by DJ Daddy. She begs for them every night. He's hooked her up with some fun dance tunes, and she belts it out. Last night after I put Sadie to bed I could hear the banging upstairs as Katie danced around and sang her current favorites, which include "Video Killed the Radio Star" and a punk cover of Scooby Doo. She then broke into another one that's big in her books, and I could hear her cute little voice carrying down the stairs... "I'm a Barbie Girl, in a Barbie Wo-orld. It's bandlastic, I'm so exstatic. You can brush my hair and throw it every-whe-ere.. (mumble, muble)... COME ON BARBIE LET'S GO POTTY!"

I'm actually glad she's young enough not to get the implications of all the words, or to know what they are. I think I'll leave that one alone for a while.

Oh, and another fun thing I learned this week. Vonage Sucks. Do not even bother. There's a reason they're so cheap. I signed up for it last week, thinking it would be great, since we barely use our landline anymore. Turns out that it doesn't work with our security system, which they were supposed to tell us to start out with. I'm in a 3-year contract with Vector, so there's no way I'm paying them fines to drop it. So I called Vonage to cancel. They want me to send bacck the equipment they sent on MY dollar, and won't refund the payment I put down. Vonage = Poo in by book today.

Also equalling poo is Anthem and the UVA health system billing. I just got a new bill for a new ungodly amount that they "forgot" to bill me earlier. So now I'm back in full fight mode on medical bills. Will it ever end? I do not heart Anthem. Not one bit.

Herding Cats

Ever been on a preschool field trip? If not, I don't recommend trying it. Katie's class took off to the science museum today, and by the end of it, I was ready for a really stiff drink (this was at noon). It's bad enough trying to coordinate the efforts of preschoolers to do anything, but then to have a teacher who has no clue how to handle children in public places... total nightmare.

It started off by children wandering throughout the "holding area" of the museum. They ran, jumped, slid, slithered and hopped about, waiting for the fun to begin. As I don't know many of the parents, I didn't say anything, just observed. Then we went to the IMAX where the lights were all turned out so that the kids could watch a movie about stars. GREAT idea for preschoolers. Katie lead the crowd in the wailing that soon ensued.

After seeing one of Katie's classmates walking with a group of adults I did not recognize, I finally hit the roof and cornered Katie's teacher and insisted that she create a "buddy" system with the parents and kids so that no one got forgotten/lost/kidnapped. I mean, seriously, this is not rocket science. If Katie weren't learning by leaps and bounds daily, I would have dropped her enrollment right then and there. Lesson learned - never let Katie go on a field trip with this class unless I'm there. Also, avoid all field trips until she turns about 12.

In other fun news over the past week or two, my "office manager" Becky resigned last week. Her last day is Friday, so I'm stressing a bit. Kerinda (my sister) is going to take her place and work for me, which should be interesting. I know Kerinda will do a great job, I just worry about the business interractions of hiring my baby sister, especially since I actually WILL be the "boss of her" for a change.

I also hired a part-time editorial assistant who is wonderful and a quick learner. The only problem is that she's all of 23 or so. We were talking about music last week, and she told me she liked "the old 90's alternative stuff... like Soundgarden and Pearl Jam." Ahem. Excuse me. Barely a decade has past since it came out. That is NOT old!!! Sheesh. She's also a sweet, bubbly, happy, single, no-kids type. It just makes me cringe.

It's great to have a fresh start to the office, though, and I hope that in a couple of months I can get my association management company certified. Which will lead to another full-time client, I hope. It would be great to have an actual office and a couple more staff on board by next year. I'm finally comfortable and ready to make the business grow, but want to hold out until Sadie's a bit older. I figure that by 2 1/2, if Sadie's anything like Katie, she'll be ready for preschool part time. Hopefully by then, if we're still at this preschool, the basic principles of safety in public places will be mastered.

Six Months Today!

Happy 1/2 birthday, Sadie!

It's hard to believe that six months have passed since you blessed our lives with your presence. You bring so much joy into my life, and to everyone you meet. We are so lucky to have you with us, and we love you!

Poo and the Fries

Let me preface this story by saying Katie isn't potty trained. Yes, I know. She's 4 and a 1/2. Yes, I've tried positive reinforcement. Yes, we've done the sticker charts. And wearing panties no matter what. And going sans any type of bottom covering, hoping that it forces her to go. Yes, I've taken away priveleges, too. We've also bribed, punished, ignored, cried, plead... nothing works with her. She has chronic constipation issues, which the pediatricians and GIs say is completely normal, and as such is on major laxatives, which leads to problems with control. This being said, she knows when she's going and refuses to use the potty. We'll go for a few weeks where she tries very hard and willingly goes. Then one morning she wakes up and will have nothing to do with it. It becomes a major battle of wills, which we try to avoid because we know she's stubborn and hard-headed as heck. As our pediatrician told us, if it comes down to a battle of wills, the kid will win every time. Yep. So, that's the build up for this story.

We went to Katie's Montessori school open house this past week and got to see some of the "work" Katie does and meet some of the parents. Afterward, Jason and I decided it was time to try to go out and eat as a family. We've done this all of once since Sadie's arrival, and it ended in disaster after 15 minutes. We took the kids into Nacho Mama's, I settled in with a good margarita, Sadie fell asleep and Katie behaved and sat all the way through dinner. It was a miracle. Until I looked over and noticed Katie was making a face and looking at her hand. She had put her hand down her pants and had poop on it. Yum. So I grabbed a napkin and wiped it off immediately. About this time Sadie woke up and began to cry. Jason and I decided to make a break for it, and I did the only think I could think of with the napkin of poo - put it in the fries basket that Katie had. It was the only place I could think of that would prevent anyone from picking it up. Jason gave me a look of complete disgust and informed me that he had not finished cleaning up Katie's fries. Needless to say, i don't think any of us will be eating fries any time soon. Gross, but a good sample of the life we lead these days.

Last night I got to go visit Maddie and her parents at the PICU in UVA. She is still fighting, and such a pretty little girl. Yesterday she turned six months old. This week she is scheduled for diaphram surgery in the hopes that it will enable her to get off the ventilator, or at least help her to be able to get onto the heart transplant list, which is her hope for survival. If you're reading this, please take a minute to stop and say a little prayer or send some positive power up for this beautiful baby and her brave parents. Every little bit helps. Like her parents, I'm hoping and praying for a miracle on Tuesday.

We've had more firsts this week that are exciting to report. Katie wrote her name for the first time! And, Sadie had her first cookie. She's addicted to them now, and I love it. I can stick her in the high chair with one of her biter biscuits and actually get through the dishes before she cries. Onward and upward!!

Ahhh, love...

We were at a b-day party today, and I overheard the following conversation:

"Do you have a boyfriend?" a little girl asked Katie.
"Sure, I have lots of them."
The little girl asked her something I couldn't hear, and then Katie replied,
"yeah, there's Theo. He is nice and has blue eyes. And Jacob likes me, but I don't know why he calls me Katie-cootie."
(pondering silence followed by...)
"oh yeah, and Alexander thinks he loves me. He tries to hold my hand and kiss me. It's sticky, but I kinda love him too."

For those of you who know the Mentons, you won't be surprised to know that the Alexander Katie was referring to is their son. Time for her daddy to invest in shotguns.

Sitting pretty

I can't believe how time flies. Sadie is sitting on her own. It just started yesterday. She won't get into sitting position on her own yet (of course), but still, this is big excitement in our household. Katie is thrilled at the potential of having someone to play with in the near future, and I'm beginning to panic to even think about all the babyproofing that has to be done. There are Polly Pocket shoes embedded in the carpet that must come up immediately. Sadie's also started solids, and hasn't found a food she doesn't like that.

Katie is all of a sudden almost a teenager. What is up with that? One day she's drooling, the next she's telling me that although she was holding one boys hand after the circus (he tried to kiss her throughout, but she held out on him), she really likes his brother because he's cute and quiet. Then she did a flip-flop on me later that night and said that since the older brother didn't try to kiss her, she "loved" the younger one.

Medical issues for the week (because I know you care): Katie has a bladder infection. Sadie has an ear infection. Sadie's reflux has also gotten crazy the last few days, but it may be because she's on antibiotics (I hope). Good times. But honestly, I can't complain.

On a very different front, our friends Jeff and Kathy are still in the PICU with their daughter, Madison. Maddie was born a day before Sadie, and we met them on the PICU floor. Like Sadie, Maddie had a heart condition that was not detected before birth. However, unlike Sadie, there is no fix for Maddie's heart, only measures to assist her over time. She has Hypoplastic Left Heart Syndrome, which means one side of her heart is not developed completely. She underwent two open heart surgeries thus far, and now her family is waiting to see if she can get on the heart transplant list. She's also got to have another surgery to fix a problem with her diaphram that occurred when a nerve was damaged last week in surgery. I went to see her and her family yesterday, and she's one of the most beautiful babies I've ever seen. Jeff and Kathy are such strong people - I admire how well they are handling such a tough situation. Please keep Maddie in your prayers/mediatations/thoughts. It all has been a big reminder for me of how fragile life is, not just for this beautiful little girl, but for each of us.

Breastfeeding at 32,000 feet

Sooo... went to Portland last week on a business trip, and I had to take Sadie with me, since she's not weaned and refuses a bottle (still). I convinced mom to go along with me to serve as a nanny (didn't take much arm twisting there), and on Sunday we loaded up 4 large suitcases, 3 carry ons and a travel system and headed to the airport for a day of fun. Upon arrival, we were informed that our flight was cancelled, and that we'd have an extra hour at the airport to get on the next flight on another carrier. We grabbed a bite to eat and headed to security (extra fun, seeing as I had 2 laptops, an LCD projector, two 3-1-1 baggies, a baby, a stroller system, etc.) only to be informed that we had been flagged for a super secret search since our flight carrier had been changed. Sweet.

After disrobing the majority of our clothes, waking the sleeping baby, having the stroller torn apart and having my diaper bag completely rearranged, we took off at a steady trot to barely catch the plane in time. We took a short flight to Atlanta, then switched to another plane to Portland. Talk about a long trip. Sadie totally surprised me on the way out, though, and was a trooper. She slept most of the time, nursed well and didn't fuss the entire way. We had an extra seat to put her carseat in so that I didn't have to hold her, which made all the difference. The plane we were on was decked out - had touch-sensitive LCD screens on the back of the seats and you could even play trivia against other passengers, which was a first for me. We arrived in Portland at 1:00 a.m. (yes, that's PST) and I was thrilled by my 4 am wake up call from Sadie the next day. I wanted to try to stick to her East Coast schedule we'd been working on developing in the last few weeks, though, so 4 am could not be negotiated.

By the end of the week, I was completely exhausted. I'm used to travelling alone (meaning sans children) on business trips, and it was tough to have a long day of meetings while trying to slip out unnoticed to nurse, conclude the day by going into full mommy mode and get up in the morning hours before my first meeting would start. Not recommended. I've got to get Sadie to take a bottle or sippy cup before August (my next scheduled trip), no doubt.

All this said, the trip itself was great. My client, the Consumer Trends Forum International (Website under construction. Don't let the site dissuade you that it is actually a legitimate organization.) had a really good meeting. I had left feeling unsure about my future with them - I currently provide their management services and serve as Executive Director, and have had a tough 6 months as they were very disorganized and lacked direction. Before the meeting I'd spent hours of unpaid time working on a strategic direction document for the meeting, and I was unsure as to how it would be received. Turns out that they were on the same page as me, and willing to make the changes I felt were necessary if the organization was to survive. The Forum they put on was excellent - I enjoyed the speakers (at least the ones I heard) and found a lot of the information provided to be relevent even to my small business. I also found out about Pandora.com and have already become addicted to it. Anyway, I left the meeting feeling that the membership had been empowered, the board was on the right track, and we even managed to diversify the board a bit by adding three new members, which had been a goal. I'm excited to see where we can go with this client.

Enough of work... back to the business at hand - travel with an infant. So, the flight back was not at all like the flights there. We were on United, and compared to Delta, I have to say, they really suck. I've been flying United a lot lately, due to the miles I can save up, but I'm switching as of Friday. It's not worth a free trip with them, and I'd rather pay $20 more and have a comfortable and friendly flight. The flight home was crowded, but not full - but they didn't offer to move me to another seat so that I could put Sadie's car seat in. So Mom and I took turns holding her. For 5 hours. In a row with three people. I was in the middle, sandwiched between mom and a very large man. The guy in front of me reclined his seat the minute we took off, which happened to coincide with the beginning of Sadie's wails, so I had about 9 inches of operating space in which to manuever Sadie on my lap. And she wanted to eat. Several times. Breast. Not sweet potatoes (her favorite) or cereal. As the guy beside me tried to keep to himself, I tried to modestly arrange myself without drawing too much attention (quite a feat considering the size of my mongo-breasts at the moment). Of course we were near the back, and there was only one restroom in coach, so everyone was lined up next to our seats to catch a glimps of my show most of the trip. Sweeeet!! Sadie cried for a couple hours of the trip, which was also fun.

So, that's the fun that was here. I came back home to a very sad Katie who informed me she'd been "worried sick about mommy and Sadie." She's gotten even worse in the bathroom department, and had lots of accidents at school, which have lead to a new UTI. So, to the doctor we a-go tomorrow. Katie's terrified of having the doctors look at her "bottom" (rightly so after all the prodding and testing she's had in the past few months) so I've got to figure out some way of consoling her and keeping her calm. She's also acting like a holy terror, which, combined with Sadie's new breakthrough of teeth (two are coming in) and my exhaustion, has made for a VERY happy weekend in our home. The animals have both gone into hiding, and I think that, if Jason could figure out where they were, he'd join them. I'm sure it's all preparation for him - for the day that both girls are teens and we all PMS at the same time. It'll be grand.

Back to life

Well, things are slowly returning to "normal" around here, whatever that may be. Sadie is doing well now (minus the rotavirus last week and a cold this week), and is basically a normal baby. In fact, next week she's going with me to Portland for a business trip. She's still nursing and I can't seem to get her to want to take a bottle, so I'm taking her and Mom with me.

The days have gotten much easier - Sadie no longer cries for hours at a time, and the colicky evenings are starting to subside. The booger still won't sleep through the night, but she's keeping the wakeup calls to 1-2 per night now, which isn't too shabby in comparison to the past few months. She's starting to "talk" just this past week, and has been practicing saying "mama" in the cutest way ever. She doesn't associate the word with me yet, of course, but it's still one of the best sounds I've ever heard. I've started giving her cereal now, which she prefers to wear rather than eat. Next week she'll be five months old, which is hard to believe. Last week she weighed 14 lbs 5 ozs.

So, with all this good news about Sadie, it's hard for me to understand why I'm now feeling so exhausted and anxious about life in general. I guess I've been running on automatic all these months, and only now is the real impact of what has happened in our family really hit. And man, is it hitting hard. I find myself laying in bed quite a bit, replaying all the scenes from the PICU as I try to fall asleep at night. Last night, for example, I was remembering the first day I was in the PICU with Sadie. I was alone with one nurse, when all of a sudden Sadie's stats plummeted. I sat in the corner, hugging my knees (I was still weak from the whole childbirth process less than 24 hours before that) and watched as the nurse ran out into the hall, frantically pressing the "button" (emergency crash call) and yelling that she needed help. The doctors came running in, and it must have been 5-7 of them surrounding the isolette, working on her. It was scary then, and I knew what could happen, but only last night did it really hit me that I was literally watching her teeter at the edge of death. I saw her life being saved by total strangers, and they weren't even sure if what they were doing would work. I remember them discussing what possible things they could do since they had pumped her with all the drugs they could at the time. (They ended up doing a transfusion and raising her epinephrine drip to the highest dosage possible in order to get her heart pumping.)

It probably wouldn't make much sense to anyone reading this, but in a sense, I feel like I was living outside of it all, watching myself respond as needed - calm and collected. All the while caccooned within me was the helpless woman crying for her baby. And it's like all of a sudden, that woman has decided to surface. I didn't need her then, and I don't want her now that things are clear, but I guess I just kind of repressed it all and now my brain is playing catch-up. I know it's probably normal, but it's not any fun to deal with, all the same. I have always prided myself in being able to control my emotions. Now I can hardly bear to take Sadie to get her shots and I find myself panicking if I think she's in any pain. Like last week, when she started vomiting and couldn't stop for an hour or so... it was everything in me not to rush out to the ER. And I still find myself waiting for the "other shoe to fall" and for things to unravel again.

Thankfully, Sadie's pediatric group is very understanding, and they put up with my frequent calls for any ailment with her. They have gone the extra mile in doing blood work and cultures to make sure the virus she had last week was only a virus and nothing more seriuos. They leave no stone unturned, which I'm more grateful for than I can express. I feel like a bit of a loony-bin every time I take her in, but they never roll their eyes and take every symptom very seriously. One of the nurses there even called me yesterday to see how I was doing, since I'd broken into tears last week after they finally got an IV line into Sadie after trying for 10 minutes to hit a vein. Big props go to Richmond Pediatrics - I'd recommend them to everyone!

Since I'm having a pity-party tonight, I might as well go ahead and admit the biggest thing that has plagued me in recent weeks. I feel jipped. There, I admit it. I feel like I lost out on the first month of happy memories, that the whole "magic" of birth was stolen from me, and just generally that I missed out on a big chunk of fun those first few months. I feel incredibly selfish and completely ungrateful for even thinking or feeling that way, but I can't help myself. I know I should be just be thankful that Sadie made it, that I have her cries to wake me at night, that I have a mostly normal baby now. And I am. But some part of me is still bitter, and the more I ignore it, the more it rears its ugly head. I feel even more guilty of these feelings when I talk to some friends who are still at the hospital with their little girl, only a day older than Sadie, who is facing yet another surgery and will never be able to be "fixed" in the way that Sadie was. It's like a vicious cycle - anger, guilt, sadness... You know, in just writing that down, it dawns on me that those are some of the stages of grief. Maybe I'm, in some wierd way, grieving the time that was lost through the ordeal. Or, maybe I'm just hitting those baby blues that everyone warns about. Who knows. You know me. I love to over-analyze.

Anyway, I needed to vent. I'm having a bit of a tough time right now and generally feeling overwhelmed with the "new" emotions surfacing, not to mention the everyday circus-style balancing act I'm trying to perform in being both a stay-at-home mom and a full-time business owner. The two really don't go well together, but there's no way I can compromise either "job." My typical day begins with an early wake up call from Sadie around 5:30 or 6, is followed by a blend of work and kids throughout the day and goes until after I get the girls to bed at night, work 4-5 more hours, and then hit the bed somewhere between 1 and 2 am (to be awoken within an hour or so to feed Sadie her early-early-morning snack). Repeat daily. I guess that, more than anything, I'm hitting a wall of exhaustion after living for months off of adreneline and strong coffee.

Side note. I realize I didn't mention Katie - she's doing fabulous for the most part lately. She loves that her sister is now more "playable" (her words, not mine) and that she can do stuff with her. She went on a shopping spree with me yesterday and picked out all her own stuff, and I have to say, she has a pretty decent sense of style for a 4-year old. The girl knows her shoes, that's for sure. Her vocabulary is ridiculous - yesterday she told me that she needed some "inspiration" for the painting we had been working on together. She also recently told me she likes "deligous" trees (for the longest time I thought she was telling me they were church-going until she explained that she liked them for their "beautiness" because their leaves change colors and then she can jump in them). She likes to figure out what kind of "hoofprints" animals leave when they walk in mud or clay, enjoys a stimulating "conver-station" with her Daddy and loves to play "hims" video games whenever she is allowed to. Her best stories are often orated while she sits on the toilet and forces me to stay in there with her so she can tell me all of these exciting things.

4 Months Old! (and photo update)

Katie on the Teacups at DisneyWorld over Thanksgiving. Her expression says it all!

Still lovin' bath time!

Last week - Sadie at 4 months.

Katie and Sadie's Christmas Picture

Sadie is now 4 months old! It amazes me that it's been that long since she entered this world. Our family's whole life has flipped upside down, and we're only now putting the pieces back together. I'm thrilled she's 4 months now, but part of me is sad, because I feel like I missed out on the whole infant stage with her. So much time was spent in the hospital with her comatose, or "fighting" to keep her calm and happy, that there are very few of those "magical" moments that I can look back and reflect on. That being said, she's growing and changing every day, and now the fun is really starting!

Sadie's a typical 4 month old - she smiles, occassionally laughs, grabs things, and just tried some rice cereal last night for the first time. She's growing by leaps and bounds, and has become much happier than she was in the early days. She still has quite a temper, though, and we tread lightly, trying to keep her pacified.

Katie is doing well with her ongoing Big Sister role - she is very protective of Sadie, but loves to show her off to her friends. She's back in preschool five days a week now, and it's making a huge difference in behavior. I think she was going as nuts as I was with all the crying.

Who's been reading?

In just the last few weeks, I've had a remarkable number of people tell me they read or are still keeping up with the blog, and with the girls... I've been amazed at just who logs in to follow along! When writing in the early days, I thought that there were maybe a couple of dozen people who logged in - since then I've heard from so many from around the world - friends, family, friends of friends, families that have been through or are going through similar situations... I can not thank all of you enough for your love and support!!

As things are now starting to settle down a bit, I'm trying to get caught up on putting some things together for Sadie's baby book/scrap books that I hope to one day have the time to work on. I know that some day, most likely in her teen years, she's going to have questions about her scars, and, while I hope she never does, she may even feel embarrassed or ashamed of them. I want to be able to have something tangible to show her how special and amazing she is. For part of it, I would like your help.

I think I've finally fixed the "comments" section now - I'm on a new version of Blogger, and the bugs seem to be worked out a bit better. If you wouldn't mind - just drop a line, and let Sadie know you've been rooting for her. Or, drop me an email at kthies@vt.edu. I'll compile all of the comments into the book I'm making for her, which will also include this blog. Feel free to send photos, too - it would be nice to have pictures with the comments!

Now, on to Sadie - she had her monthly Synagis (I have no clue how it's spelled, but it's an RSV immunization) shot today, and got weighed - she's now up to 12 lbs 14 ozs! That means she put on a pound and 13 ounces in one month. She is becoming more alert and active by the day, and wants to be entertained ALL the time. She got some new toys to chew on/play with from Santa and has been busy with them the last few days. She's rolling from back to tummy now, but gets really ticked once she's on her belly. The doctors tell me to do tummy time with her as much as possible, just like a normal baby, but to be honest, I don't. I've gotten to where I know her cries a little better, and she really has a hurt cry and is upset for several hours after being flat on her stomach - I think she's still sore, no matter what they say. Anyway, she's holding her head up well, and can sit up on her own with very little support. I can't believe how alert she is - it's like that first month that she was in a comatose state never happened.

Katie is another story. She's in the full throws of being misplaced from her previous position of "center of mommy's universe." Now that she has to share the spotlight, she's been reverting to baby behavior and driving me absolutely insane. I miss my independent "big" girl who would entertain herself from time to time, talk like a normal 4 year old, etc.. Now that she's got competition she wants my attention every waking moment. I know, I know, it's normal, every big brother/sister goes through it, but I was totally unprepared all the same. Some days I just want to scream if I hear "mommy, mommy, mommy, mommy" one more time (she loves this mantra, and will keep it up for hours at a time. She doesn't want anything, just likes the noise and the negative attention she gets from me.) I love her to death, and I'm trying to figure out how to best handle the regression issues, but my God, how much longer will this last? Seriously?!

A friend gave me this book called "The Three Martini Playdate" and I highly recommend reading it. After what I've been feeling about my life as "mommy who can't get out much because her baby cries in a way that everyone in the supermarket thinks she's beating her to death and who's toddler is asking "why can't I have __?" nonstop," it was a refreshing read, to say the least. At least I know I'm not alone...

Sadie's first Christmas

The morning began as it does for most moms of preschoolers on Christmas - with Katie running at breakneck speed into my room at an ungodly hour and shouting that Santa had arrived. This was by far the most fun Christmas morning we've ever had. Sadie enjoyed watching us opening gifts for her, Katie was on cloud 9 and I was close to tears all day, just thankful that our family was together, and missing those that we lost over the past year.

The one that is most closely on my mind today is our beloved Nana, who passed away last January. She is Sadie's namesake, and was one of the most loving people I have ever had the pleasure to know. Since I haven't had the time to add the story of how Sadie got her name, now is probably a good time, since we're all missing Nana so much today.

Sadie Esther Blanton was a strong-willed woman, and the matriach of my husband's family. She had many things she loved - her family, a good game of Rook, the church she went to most of her life, good food, and, most of all, babies. When Jason and I found out we were pregnant with Katie, she was the first person we told. When we found out we were pregnant with Sadie, however, it was a different circumstance.

Last year, Nana was 96 years old, and her health began to deteriorate in the fall. By Christmas, we knew her time was close at hand, and the entire family - even very extended ones - was there by her side for Christmas. Despite her failing health, it was one of the happiest I have ever known. Nana enjoyed watching the children playing, and loved having the family all together in one place. I did not know at that time that I was pregnant, but Jason and I had been hoping for another child.

Several short weeks later, I confirmed that I was pregnant. I went to the doctor to make sure everything was ok, but they could not confirm the pregnancy through ultrasound. A week later, things still looked grim. I had had a miscarriage that began similarily several years before, and the doctor told me to prepare myself - that this one looked like another miscarriage. I was heartbroken, and so was Jason. It was hard enough watching Nana struggle through the end stages of life without having to deal with a second loss at the same time. We chose not to tell the family of the pregnancy, as it would be just too much to deal with.


Several days before Nana passed away, she could barely talk anymore. She said very little to anyone. I had gone to the doctors office for my third ultrasound, which confirmed the pregnancy, but did not show the growth rate we had hoped for. After coming home from the appointment, I got the call from Jason's mother that Nana was failing fast, and that we should come soon if we wanted to see her again. I was devestated by it all, and just could not deal with going to Nana's side at that time. So Jason went without me.

When Jason arrived, he went to Nana's side. In the background, his mom was talking to his aunt and uncle, about this wierd thing Nana had been saying all day - "Tell the Grandson, name the baby." No one knew what it was about. We had not told a single soul that we were pregnant. But Nana knew somehow. Jason talked to her, and she responded with some of her last words - "I love you so." Jason left the room, overwhelmed with emotion. His mom followed him, trying to comfort him - telling him Nana had lead a full and happy life, and was ready to go. "No mom," he said, "you don't understand. Kim is pregnant, and we thought she was likely going to have a miscarriage, so we hadn't told anyone."

Two days later I went with him to visit Nana for the last time. She could not speak, and could barely respond, but her eyes still had that twinkle I so loved about her. As I talked to her about the baby, I said, "Nana, you knew about this baby, didn't you?" and her eyes smiled and she raised her eyebrows a few times. So I started trying to come up with names for the baby, and told her that we would try to use a family name. I even mentioned Sadie, which I could see her laughing at internally.

Just before Nana passed, we were able to confirm the pregnancy, and got the good results we knew we'd receive. The months passed, and we were all calm and happy - the family was thrilled at the prospect of a new baby. We had been plagued by so much loss - Jason's brother, cousin, grandmother and uncle all passed away within a short span of time. We could not wait to celebrate new life.

Jason and I could not agree on a name for the new baby, though. We racked our minds, scoured countless baby books, but just could not find the right fit. I think we both felt a little pressure - Nana had specifically talked about a name for the baby. We wanted something she would have liked. On the night of Sadie's birth, we still had not agreed on a name. Just that morning we had started to throw around Madeline Sadie, and were thinking of calling her Maddie. We knew that we wanted to have Sadie as part of her name, no matter what - in honor of Nana. But I knew that we'd constantly mix up Sadie and Katie... so we thought perhaps Madeline would be a better name. But when we found out that Sadie had some health issues, we knew that we would go with Sadie - after all, Nana lived a long, wonderful life.

When the devestating news of the severity of Sadie's heart defect sank in the evening after I gave birth, my heart cried out, and I just couldn't understand why Nana would have given us "the sign that everything was ok," as I had come to think of her prophetic words. As I cried that night, it slowly dawned on me. Nana gave us an invaluable gift - the gift of hope. Through all of the days that would come, her words sustained me. I just knew Sadie would be alright, and that Nana was watching over her.

On the night before Sadie's surgery, that hope and faith, I admit, were shaky at best. I can't tell you the fear that was in my heart, or explain the anxiety that a parent in that situation faces. Sadie had this wonderful nurse that evening, though. She told me that she felt bad that there was nothing she could offer me, but she said she could give a prayer for Sadie. Now, I am not a religious person, as most of you know, but I do know that there is power in prayer and meditation and my heart was crying out that evening. This nurse was so sweet, and wanted to help, and so I said yes, and we placed our hands on Sadie and she said the most beautiful prayer. I can't recall the words today, but it was a plea for peace for our family, for healing for Sadie and in it she said, "we know that you did not bring Sadie here for disaster, but that you brought her here to fulfill a purpose." Those words brought to me a peace that I can not describe, and soothed my aching soul. It reminded me of what, I think, Nana had been trying to convey with the limited breath she had left on her deathbed. That Sadie was brought to us for a purpose, and that she was going to make it.

So, this Christmas has been a bittersweet one. We are so thrilled with Sadie's progress, and that she is here, at home with us today. We are thankful for our family and friends who have surrounded us with love, and lifted us up when we felt like the world was crumbling beneath our feet. We are grateful and amazed by the love that has been poured out to our family over the past several months - from our family, friends, friends of friends, and the total strangers who became our friends or whome we have yet to meet, but who have been praying, meditating or thinking of Sadie. And, most of all, we are remembering Nana, who for the first time in 12 years I did not spend Christmas with (and likely the first time in Jason's life). We are so happy that she was able to be such a large part of our lives, and thankful for the wonderful gift of hope and the legacy she left behind.

With this, I'll close this overly sentimental Christmas blog and return to my favorite role - Mommy of two. If anyone has suggestions on how to remove ground in candy canes from berber, please let me know. In the meantime, I will vacuum up tiny parts of dolls that Katie will cry over when she discovers they're missing tomorrow and try to make a path through the main areas so that no one steps on a scooter or noisy animatronics animal on the way to the restroom in the middle of the night. When I finally fall into bed, Sadie should wake up within 15 minutes of my dozing off, requiring immediate attention. And I will happily oblige - she is, after all, my little miracle - my own personal little Christmas angel.

Merry Christmas!!!

Sidenote:
I do NOT recommend the Rescue Pet toy dog. If you got one for a kid, and he/she has not yet taken it from the package, destroy it before said child wakes up and has a chance to play with it. The dogs are actually torture devices. All they do is whine and bark. Incessently. In fact, they have two modes on their control box. Whine or bark (the modes are marked "happy" and "sad"). Worst of all, it's got a motion sensor. With the slightest motion in a 10 foot radius it will begin to whine. And of course, it does not come with volume control. Thus, your kid will love it. You, however, will want to permenantly disable it within 15 minutes or less. The only suitable time to give a Rescue Pet is if, for some unknown reason, you are required to give a gift to the child of a mortal enemy. Otherwise, skip it. You'll thank me later.

Ho, Ho, Ho...

I'm happy to report that we really don't have much news around here for a change! Sadie is doing wonderfully. Last night we took her out to dinner with us, and, as usual, everyone who saw her had to come up and comment on how cute she is. Jason said to me at one point that it's amazing that none of them would even know that anything had ever been wrong with her.

Sadie's scar is continuing to heal, and it looks really good. I think that by this time next year it will be barely noticeable. I hope so! It's the only thing that really remains as a daily reminder of what we have been through these past few months. I guess the positive thing about it is that, when I have a long day with her and feel like I'm going to loose it, it is always there to remind me of just how lucky I am to have her, and it puts everything back into perspective for me.

We're finally getting ready for Christmas around here, and Katie is about to turn herself inside out with excitement. From the moment she wakes until we can finally get her down at night she chatters on and on about all things Christmas. We finally got a tree last week (a total Charlie Brown deal that is covering my carpet with a blanket of needles, but a tree, none-the-less) and Katie rearranges the ornaments every morning. Most of the time they all end up on one branch near the bottom, which does nothing to help the overall appearance of the tree.

Sadie is completely off of the methadone, and has done well with the wean. It's been almost four weeks now, so I think it's safe to say that that chapter of our lives is finally overwith - yay! She no longer cries for hours at a time, and is responding to us very well. She still cries a LOT - don't get me wrong (I think it's safe to say much more so than the average baby), but at least now we can console her. I still have to stay away from dairy, or it will do a real number on her system... I hope she outgrows the milk intolerance. While I was on a business trip recently she had to have formula near the end, and the milk-based lactose-free stuff really messed up her system for three days. It has to be soy-based if we use it anymore. So, I'm learning how to adjust my diet. But man, do I miss cheese.

As far as development, I think Sadie is pretty much on target. She smiles socially now - her daddy can make her smile at the drop of a pin. She is reaching and grabbing for things and has discovered her toes in the past week or so. She loves them. Her favorite thing to do is to hang out on the changing table with no diaper - she sings and coos, kicks and smiles up a storm. And she loves to splash in her bath. I think she's probably up to 12.5 lbs now, is 22.5 inches, and is getting some cute little rolls of fat on her thighs and tummy. In fact, I noticed yesterday that she finally has dimples on her elbows and hands (my favorite thing about babies are fat dimples). She does well following objects and is discovering how to put things in her mouth. I think she may already be beginning to teeth, though, because she's drooling up a storm, cranky and biting everything she can get in her mouth (including me - ouch!). She constantly is shoving her hands into her mouth, so I'm even more vigilent with the Purex when we're out with her - especially since strangers seem drawn to touch baby hands without asking. She is cute, I can see why they do it, but I still have to be careful with her in regards to germs and such. A slight cold could be very serious for her still.

So, that is where things are here. We're all gearing up for Christmas and looking forward to a New Year more than ever. If I don't get a chance to post before then, I wish all of you a very Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!

First time away...

I just got home from a business trip - my first time away from Sadie. It was so hard to leave her, but so nice to sleep for more than 4 hours at a time. I'm very happy to be home, though.

We're back to a lot of crying again, and trying to figure out the cause, or if it's just colic. She's acting like she's teething, but I don't see any tooth buds or feel anything in there. She's drooling a ton, still gassy as heck, and now having constipation issues. I guess it's time to call the GI to make sure there's nothing else going on.

We've now gone 2 weeks without methadone, and she's become so much more alert and interactive. It's great! Now if she'd just quit crying! :)

Our first really good week!

I haven't been posting as much lately, and it's great to say that I really don't have too much to report for a change!

This week was chock full of doctors appointments for the girls. Sadie had to have a few shots on Monday. They give her a special booster called Synagis (for the bargain price of $100/shot AFTER insurance) every month to help protect her from RSV (a respiratory virus). Plus she had to update her HepB shots, since we were behind due to her prolonged hospital stay. And a blood screening was done since the one that was done in the hospital was invalid because she'd recently received a transfusion. So she was pretty cranky the following day, but is now up-to-date and where she should be for an almost 3-month old. Yay!

Katie had to do a VCUG and sonagram this week to make sure that her recent urinary tract infections weren't due to reflux of the urine, problems with her kidneys, etc. The tests were awful and she was scared to death. They had to do a catheter in, fill her bladder through the catheter with barium and watch it go in and out a couple of times. She's got a serious phobia of hospitals (gee, I wonder why?!) and was shaking like a leaf, but was brave and did very well. I do NOT want to have to watch my girls cry though any more tests. I know they're necessary, but there's been way too many of them, and I'm getting weaker emotionally with each one. It was everything in me not to cry when Katie was looking at me screaming as they put the catheter in. Poor baby. Thankfully everything looks good, so we're in the clear on that one. It was nice to get positive test results for a change.

Thursday was Sadie's cardiologist appointment, and they did an echocardiogram to make sure the anatomy of the heart and blood flow are working ok. The cardiologist (Dr. Albrecht) was wonderful, and Sadie was a perfect angel during the exam. She now weighs 11 lbs 2 ozs, which puts her in the 10th percentile, so they're a little worried about her weight and growth (she's 22.5 inches), but not so much so that anything needs to be done. The cardiologist is following up with Sadie's GI, though, because he wants further follow up regarding the lower esophageal slow motility problem at a sooner date than she had thought was necessary. So we'll see what happens there. She's on Prilosec, and it seems to have helped a lot with the spitup and crankiness, and I've been avoiding all dairy products, which also helps. So I'm not sure why the weight isn't going on as fast as it was last month.

The best news of all is that Sadie has now successfully completed her methadone wean! We took her off last Saturday, and she's made it all week long with very few withdrawal signs. Day 3 was kind of tough, but nothing we hadn't seen before - just a lot of crying, cold sweats, stuff like that. We've got a whole new baby on our hands - she's becoming so much more alert, even tempered (well, as even as I think she'll get - some of this is just personality) and so darn cute I can't stand it. I'll try to post new pictures later this weekend!