Grief is Strange

Sometimes you think you've moved on, that the process wasn't as bad as you feared, etc. Then some days it drops on you like a load of bricks.

In the process of cleaning out office files and old emails, I came across a few notes from Amanda. Stupid, silly, snarky stuff. And I completely teared up and felt like I'd taken a left hook from out of nowhere.

I frickin' HATE cancer.

Growing Up

Like it or not, I've suddenly been faced with the reality that I am a grownup. I don't know when it happened, it just kind of snuck up in there. True, most people realize this in their 20s, but I'm a bit slow, I guess. Despite owning a home at the ripe old age of 21 and taking on progressive levels of responsibility ever since, it never really hit me that I was really, truly grown.

Kids came along, and I have relished reliving childhood memories (and creating new ones for them), but still, did not feel adultish.

I started a couple of businesses. Now I was stressed. But still not grownupish.

And Sadie was born with her complexities and my eyes were opened to a whole new world of struggles, sick children and even those lost. Friends started getting cancer and strokes. I lost a childhood friend of 20 years. I went into this suddenly adult world kicking and screaming, not ready for it. So I ignored it.

And yesterday, I became a grand-aunt. Seriously. And suddenly, very strongly, I feel grown up. And I don't want to be.

I don't want the whiskers that have suddenly popped up on the side of my face. What is that about? I am not thrilled that my body suddenly decided not to support my current lifestyle and eating habits. And I'm disturbed when the teens at concerts talk about bands as "old school" (No Doubt - REALLY? Old School?!) when telling me they enjoy the show. Not. Cool.

So I'm going to pout about it. That'll show you, adulthood. Ppppphhhhbt!

Harlie

One of the wonderful friends I've made since my move to Richmond is Christy, mom to three. Her middle child, Harlie, has been mentioned here several times before - her medical needs are huge. I so admire Christy, who I swear should have an honorary PhD in pediatric medicine. She can juggle a creeping infant and talkative five year old all while suctioning her trached two and a half year old daughter. The woman has cleaned more puke than any full time nurse, attended to countless wounds and can plug in oxygen and a feeding in no time flat. Yeah, she deserves lots of gold stars.

I'm thinking of her today, as she sits, again, in a hospital, waiting for a surgery. I've only had to be through major surgery with a child once, and I can tell you, no matter how tough you are, it's so hard. So, so hard. Christy's sat in that OR waiting room more times than I care to think about (I think this is number 11).

What a lot of people don't get about a major surgery like this is that the surgery, itself, isn't the scariest part necessarily. It's the recovery road. Christy had to pack not knowing how long she'd stay. Planning for the unknown is an impossible and daunting task. It really is too much to ask of a mom, but yet you don't get a choice in the matter. I think Christy does a fantastic job handling the hand she's been dealt, even if she thinks she doesn't.

So say a little prayer for Harlie today as she undergoes yet another surgery (this one's open heart). And, just as importantly, send a little good mojo to Christy and her family!

UPDATE: Harlie did well in surgery, though they were unable to do all they hoped because her heart is so complicated. She woke up briefly afterward and signed a bit with her parents. Should be home in two weeks or so if recovery goes well!

News on the Home Front

First of all, congrats to my friends the Stevens on their new little girl! Welcome baby Rebecca! Can't wait to meet her...

I've sucked at blogging lately - life seems to be in overdrive lately. I can't wait for the summer and a break from at least one of the businesses for a couple of weeks. Until then, you're forced to endure bullet points and brief tidbits:

• The Toothless Wonder. Katie lost her first tooth last Monday. She's got this phenomenal lisp that makes me want to reel over with laughter everytime she says something that starts with an "s". I've got to get it on video. She's so cute I can hardly stand it.
  
• Bye Bye Toddler. And helloooo preschool diva Sadie. All those words she didn't utter over the past few months that led me to worry endlessly about her 'milestones' are left by the wayside. This girl can talk. Just this past week she told me that something was 'incredible' and that Carly was 'ferocious'. She's still refusing to wear any shoes other than her purple butterfly rain boots. Style by the mile, this one.
• I HEART Hanover. Though sometimes too backroads for me and often requiring a good ol' boy network card to get a word in, Hanover County came through in flying colors for our little school. Supervisor Elton Wade was a phenomenal support, was attentive when I called him with our issues and went to bat for increasing the options (and quality) of preschools in Hanover. Debbie Coats was also a huge support. It was interesting to watch the inner workings of county government in action - perhaps you'll find me at a board meeting again (in my free time, right?!). Anyway, we got approval to expand onsite to 13 kids (plus my own) next year. We've got 11 spots filled and a hefty waiting list to follow up with!
• Smarty Pants. I decided to pull out the little mini-pond in the back yard to clean it, and recess it a bit further into the ground. I saw a vine, grabbed it with my bare hands and yanked it out. As I wiped some sweat from my eye I looked down at the weed I'd pulled I discovered (no need for drumroll on this one) it was poison ivy. I threw it over into the crazy neighbor's yard and promptly washed my hands and face. Guess I didn't get my eye well enough because I awoke the next day to a disaster of a face. It spread behind my ears, on my chest, in my (ahem) nether regions and everywhere else. The doctor gave me two shots in the rear last Friday, yet I continue to fester. I haven't worn makeup in a week. And I look oh so pretty. Really, I do.
  

The Forum

I have some blog posts I wrote on the plane I'll have to back post when I have time, but for now, I wanted to pass on that I'm free again! For a month at least...

The 10th Annual Consumer Trends Forum (aka "my baby") went off well this past week, with Jeremy Gutsche of TrendHunter.com kicking off the event with a keynote. I was extremely nervous when he went on stage - our most expensive speaker he was my pick, and my push, for the keynote. I was nervous his youth would be cliche and trends would be stale. I will admit that I cringed when he started his warm up with a bass-thumping video with text overlays I cringed. I darted glances around the room at my Boomers to see if they were already casting him off as fluff. My stomach turned thinking he would try to motivate without delivering the goods on trends, and the tools we need to translate them into innovation. Luckily for me, it turns out the guy was not only NOT fluff, but intelligent, motivating and even, dare I day, inspiring. He left with a darn near perfect score from our very diverse group of trend watchers. Check out his picks for 2009's trends....



The rest of the Forum went well, and I left with some great insights from SlowFood USA, Google, the Center for Culinary Design and other well-respected trend leaders from across the nation. All in all a good week, and a great way to conclude a taxing year of meeting planning for the event.

Now to start planning for next year... how can we top it?!

Having babies

Katie told me tonight that she doesn't want to have kids, she just wants to babysit. When I asked her why (assuming it's the pain factor - she's discussed that quite a bit lately) she told me something I didn't expect.

She said it's because mommies have to work to hard and don't get to rest much. She doesn't want to be like me, having to work and take care of kids all the time without very much sleep.

*Sniff.*

I need to set a better example.

I'm about to blow

I'm trying to hold my crap together, but in all honesty, I'm about to lose it. The past few months have been trying and I feel that if one more thing were to drop, one more catastrophe hit, that I will just not be able to function any more. And then the next shoe drops.

Perhaps it's the four jobs that I'm juggling simultaneously. It could be the overwhelming pressure I feel to find new sources of income, such as agreeing to write an eBook on a topic I have zero interest in. It could be the simple pressures of managing a household. Maybe it's the pressure I feel when trying to find creative ways to pay bills when our income has been decimated by job loss for over four months - something I'd never accounted for in my worst case financial plans. Could be the financial demise of both of my clients, my main sources of income. Perhaps the crap Hanover county is putting me through to get a special exception to operate a home-based business? Or social services hoops required for licensing? To find time for the girls - quality time - in the midst of all of it. Or the grief over losing a long time friend. The death of a marriage. Yeah, I said it. Those of you closest to me already know, but throw it into the mix.

I am desperate for a way to escape it all, but I know escape isn't the answer. I have to somehow find a way to take on and tackle each of these, and the million smaller burdens they bring along. I guess my issue at the moment is figuring out how to handle even one, let alone all of them, simultaneously.