Tuesday, January 01, 2013

So... New Year.

Well, 2012. I didn't post much. At all, really.  Because, to be honest, my life has changed dramatically since I first started blogging.

When I first started blogging, I had a child in critical condition and needed to share information without being pestered. I don't even recall if Facebook was around yet. If it was, I had not yet joined. And so... blogging. I chronicled Sadie's rocky start, Katie's triumphs, our family ups and downs. And then came the beginnings of divorce in 2012 and I quit. I just didn't want to share my personal crap with strangers.

I kept up a few posts, though. The Montessori school I founded. The girls and their progress. My desire to make congenital heart defects better funded for pediatric resaearch. But then I stopped that, too.

The truth is, I don't have a lot to share with my life right now. My close friends/family know where things are with my life. I have nothing urgent I need to update. Life has resumed a new routine - one I haven't figured out but am still adjusting to. I still love my babies. I still crave a better education for them than public schools currently  can afford. I still think Montessori is not only relevant in today's society, but should be embraced in education - both childhood and adult. We are tactile, visual creatures that learn by experience - it's not rocket science.

What I do have to share is really pretty personal. It's stuff like trying to be a better mom, trying to date as a single mom, figuring out what I really want to do with my career and how I can be better about giving back. Balancing my obligations with my desires - understanding what divides the two. Trying to determine my path in life.

My path in life... so I know I've failed to stay on track this past year. I was determined that it was MY year, the year of the dragon; that I'd achieve great personal and professional success. What it turned out to be was a year of really hard knocks and lessons. Humility was one big lesson - I like to be the best at what I do. Where I work, I'm just one of many and it's hard to stand out. It's ok- it's good - I have peers I respect and love. Another big lesson was the ability to be alone and self motivate. Don't get me wrong. I've been alone for YEARS... but learning to admit that and stand on my own has been hard. I miss a partner in life. So that takes me to the dating scene - the ugliest part of 2012.

I dated 3 men this year for short lengths of time (3 or more dates) in 2012. After 14 years of marriage, I've found that reentering the dating scene isn't easy. Or much fun. I also went out on dates with friends of friends ("you have to meet my friend") and tried online dating once again. I'd done that in the past with mixed success, but this year I went out with an agenda - who I was looking for, what I want. Which, frankly, is crap. You don't know the right person for you until you meet him or her, and you can't decide based on a picture. So, here's the summary of the "big 3" of 2012: one was an awesome guy - everything I want except  he had a crappy job, kids with special needs and a demanding ex. Next! The following was an awesome guy - everything I want except he had 3 kids the same ages as mine that kept him super busy, was newly separated (not yet divorced) from a cheating wife and, well, had family issues. Yeah. Next! The final was a single guy my age who'd never been married or in a long term relationship. Guess how that went? Umm, yeah. Next!

So this past year I don't see my usual laundry list of accomplishments. I wasn't the mommy I wanted to be, I worked too much. I dated people that don't fit my lifestyle and I worked some more. But I did learn a hell of a lot about life and some really tough lessons. With that in mind, next year's resolutions are a no-brainer...

  • My kids are most important and I need to find ways to get more quality time with them. The petty crap like bills, housework, work, etc., will all pass. But I blink and my time with the girls will be gone. I need more time with them. It's funny - when I had less, I seemed to know more. Time to readjust - I've been in survival mode too long. Now it's time for living and growing.
  • I need to quit working such long hours and work smarter. I'm so over 50-70 hour weeks. This year I learned nothing is gained by it. STOP and NO will be my new mottoes.
  • I need a budget. Ugh. I hate a budget. But It's necessary as I need to be better about my savings. Again, it comes to survival Kim - a few years ago when I lost everything I lived paycheck to paycheck and bought what I could when I could. Somehow I find myself living pretty much the same way today, despite entering financial recovery. I won't delve into the psychology of poverty, but let's just say I'm learning how to get back to the basics of budgeting and saving.
  • I want to give back more to my community, family and friends. Frankly, I stopped caring last year. Which is funny - it's the whole reason I switched jobs.  I want to be passionate again and make a difference. This should be easy to do. I just need to devote time to do this.
  • Get healthy - I suck health-wise. I want to be in the best shape of my life by 40. This gives m about 3 years. Last year I took off and kept off 15 lbs. This year my goal 20 lbs, run 240 miles, and to buy a kayak and use the hell out of it.
And this is why I don't blog these days. It comes out like more of a personal journal entry. So to close out this post, I'll leave with the simple truths I need to focus on next year - I love my babies. They are awesome and funny and I will find ways to have more quality time with them so that I can enjoy them. I need to do a lot of work on myself. (crickets... we all know it's true). So, you won't likely see blogs any time soon as the work I have to do is deeply personal. But hang around, maybe my muse will reappear in 2013 after I get through this re-prioritization work on my life!!

1 comment:

  1. Hello!! I am hoping your muse will reappear!! I miss "hearing" from you. I think your blog was fine and it is good to know what is going on with you right now. Miss you guys!!!