Remembering Maddie

I just found out this morning that Madison Rife passed away on July 18 at 10 months and 15 days old. Those of you who have followed her story will know that Maddie was born the day before Sadie, and that her family and ours became friends at UVA.

Maddie was an incredibly strong and beautiful baby - I've never seen another like her. She would smile in the midst of unimaginable pain, laugh in the face of fear. She was more of a person as a baby than I could ever hope to be in my entire life.

My thoughts and prayers are with her parents (Jeff and Kathy), and I hope you will send yours their way too. I know they need all the support they can get.

AAAAAAaaarggh (stress).

To all who have asked why I haven't blogged lately, here's a little taste of my last 3 weeks:
- worked an average of 10 hours per day
- had only 5-6 hours of child care help, maybe 3-4 days a week (a couple of times I had 8 hours). You do the math with how that works with the number of hours I work. Basically means I work all night, and get 4-5 hours sleep - MAX. Most nights much less.
- I'm behind in all of my work, so much so that there's no end in sight for at least 3 weeks... IF I continue this pace!
- Vancouver convention (that I planned and run) is about a week away. Yikes!

Yeah, so that's why I'm not blogging as much as I'd like. The girls are great - Katie's back in the second session of ballet, and Sadie's finally decided to crawl a bit. Jason's trying to stay out of the line of fire, as I'm not a pleasant person most days. Sorry, Jas.

Insurance battles have begun again, and I'm pretty discouraged by what the final verdict is looking like - we lose. At least it's not the initially insurmountable sum from the early days they said we'd have to pay. All the same, I'm still battling them and hoping something will give on their end.

All round, life here is blah and work. Thankfully the girls break up the monotony with their funny antics, giggles and snuggles, otherwise I'd go insane!

Update on the kids

Yeah, so time to brag. I don't have time to download photos, but will in the next week or so, when I resurface from the paper piled atop my desk.

Sadie turned 10 months on July 4 - also the day she cut her first tooth! Two days later she had her "9 month" check up and was deemed to be healthy and so adorable that it almost hurts to loook at her. Ok, well, healthy. She's 18 lbs 7 ozs, which puts her in the 50th percentile for weight and 28.75 inches long, which puts her in the 75th for length. No surprise there, since she's in 12 month clothes that fall off her skinny butt, but are the right length.

The doctors are all impressed with how well she's caught up after all of the drama of her first few months. Personally, I'm amazed. As few as 3-4 months ago she was this screaming bundle of, well, screams that could not be taken anywhere. Now she's laughing up a storm, entertaining everyone and working on adding a few words to her budding vocabulary. She's a total clown, and is constantly trying to find ways to make us laugh. Tonight at dinner she was throwing food on the floor and saying "uh oh". I told her "no," so she started picking up a piece slowly, while looking me in the eye and smiling. Yeah, funny game. Sure enough, on the floor it went as peals of laughter errupted from my little gremlin. The teenage years are going to be AWESOME. I can tell already.

Sadie has never learned to crawl, as she prefers to do the "finger grab" and walk. Our backs ache at the end of the night, as she insists that this shall be her mode of transportation until she can figure out this whole balance thing. Guess it's time to put the plugs in all the sockets, since she has a tendency to try to stuff objects in small crevices.

She's got quite a few words down in the last month, including "mama," "uh oh," "bug," "baby," "hi," "bye bye" and "ama" (for grandma). Today we were playing with animals and she was thrilled with herself for "moo"ing. Fun times.

Katie is doing well, though apparently mommy is not a lot of fun in the summer. Every day she tells me that she wishes she had a kid to play with or she could go to school. I can't keep up with the flow of conversation, and often find myself zoning out after 20 minutes without a breath from the child. But, we will perservere and survive. She's got at least one play date a week, plus she's still doing ballet and Spanish, so she should be ok. We're working on reading and writing, and she's doing fairly well, though doesn't seem to enjoy it for more than 15 minutes at a time. She wants to read, but gets frustrated with how long it takes to sound out words.

The big news with Katie is that we finally figured out the potty solution. (You have no idea what this means to me). Apparantly, a Fiber One bar and stool softer pill a day in place of the laxatives was all we needed. I haven't told the doctors and don't plan to, as I know this would be frowned upon (they want her on laxatives for at least another year!). I figured we give it a try, and within a week she was doing better.

Katie's growing like a weed this summer, and I can't keep her in clothes or shoes it seems. I bought shoes in late June that she can't force her foot into now, and her 5s are history. What is it with summer and kids growing? It must be the sun, I guess. She's been a great helper with Sadie, and spends lots of time "teaching" her words, playing silly games and such. I can't say enough good things about her - she really is a joy and so much fun. Yes, there are trying moments (daily), but I love her kind and giving spirit and quick sense of humor. No matter what is happening around me, with one hug she can bring me back down to what really matters most.

Night of the living dead (fish)

After the Swimmy Hokie episode, Jason took Katie to get a new fish. They came back with three mollies. One disappeared shortly upon return home (about 2 months ago), one died, and we've managed to keep the third alive. Kerinda (my sister) brought about a million baby snails to add in with Gary the Snail (who is now the size of a Mack truck), and nothing else exciting has happened. Until this morning. I fed them, when this strange looking corpse came to the top. A greyish-white, very-dead-looking fish. Yet he ate. He was... ALIVE. Then he floated back to the bottom. He's still in there, still "breathing". Let me remind you, we have a 5 gallon bowl. There's no where to hide.

Amanda (an avid fan of the living dead), you may be right - the zombie invasion is imminent. It's apparantly begun in my daughter's room.

Travel rant

This past weekend we headed to Chicago for yet another wedding. At 8:00 am we arrived at National, ready to catch our 10:15 flight. At 11:40 PM (Eastern) we hit Chicago's runway. Our day featured a delayed flight, missed connection, a detour from National to Dulles to find another flight, super-secret security fun complete with an ion scan and "full" pat down, another delayed flight and finally, to top it all off, a nice hour-long sit on a runway. So fun. We missed rehearsal and the rehearsal dinner, and ended up wandering through greater Naperville, IL searching for a dive that would serve food at 11:30 p.m. (central - 12:30 eastern).

The tally for the weekend?
27 hours travel
28 hours in Illinois (16 spent sleeping = 12 waking hours).

It's no wonder that our airline system goes belly up every few years. It's plagued with ineffencies, poor management and it's a logistical nightmare. During my 27 hours of standing in line, I figured out the solution. One single company could replace this entire f'd up system. They'd start completely from scratch and own all their own airports, planes and staff. Here's a rough outline of how it would work:

• New airports. They would have one and only one carrier, making them small, private, with 64 major city departures and 32 local flights daily between 6 am and 10 pm. That's 6 flights an hour departing and 6 flights arriving - piece of cake. The airports would remain small and intimate. As more travelers flux into the system, new airports would be added around the city in strategic locations (North, South; West, East).
• Ambience. Keeping with the massive current trend of customization, each airport would have a similar "feel" with a flair for the location (think Starbucks). They'd feature comfy seating in the airport; free WiFi while you wait; upper tier vendors; the smells of baked goods and coffee as you enter. No more toilet-bowl-cleaner smelling waiting areas.
• Consistent rates. No sitting online waiting to pounce on a low rate. The rates would be the same from month to month, with quarterly adjustments as needed. The "Saturn" model if you will (no hassle, no haggle).
  
• In-flight food. This one is simple, folks. Hit up the food and beverage companies for snack sizes of their latest, hottest items. They'd get free promo on the plane (Today's snack courtesy of Kraft. Touch the screen for nutrition info...) and all they'd have to do is provide product. For longer flights, feature frozen entrees in the same manner - Wolfgang Puck's new entrees come to mind. Fed passengers = happier passengers = happier employees. Easy equation.
• Corporate discounts. Entice the early adopters by negotiating large corporate contracts. It will ensure the start-up costs are recouped quicker.
• Top-of the line planes with comfortable seating, interactive screens on the back of each seat, the latest safety options, etc. So we lose 4 seats on the plane by having seats that recline more than 5 degrees. We'll make up the difference by having full flights.
• Courteous flight attendants. Much like you would not expect to find a McDonalds employee waiting tables at Ruth Chris, no United attendants would be a part of this air service (yes, still bitter).

Now, all I need is a few billion to get this baby off the ground. Anyone have Trump's or Gate's home number?

Travel

So, we made yet another road trip sans kids. This time we both left them, for the first time, to go to a wedding in Charlotte. The wedding was great (Congrats Nap and Amelia!), but we were anxious to get home after it all. In fact, Jason was so anxious, that he was pulled for doing 86 in a 65 zone just outside of Charlotte. Sweet. I don't know why he can't figure out cruise control. Luckily, the cop was nice and dropped it to 74 and sent us our merry way with only a fine-yielding sort of ticket.

The rest of the way was pretty tame, until this moron came flying by our car, weaving in and out of traffic. I was just telling Jason that it was (I'll use nice words here) "morons" like him that get people killed when, surprise of all surprises, he lost control, went all over the lanes and ended up flipping 3 times on the side of the road. In the interest of sensitive readers, Oh Poo. We pulled over, and I ran out of the car, yelling at Jason to call 911. I stopped cold when I saw the wreckage and heard the sounds. I did NOT want to be a part of what was happening. Luckily, quite a few others stopped too, and people dove into action, trying to see if anyone was alive, beating out windows, bandaging those getting cut on glass. We did what we could, Jason made the report to 911, I helped the guy who bashed out all the glass to get some bandages so he wasn't bleading, etc... until the driver got out, obviously intoxicated, and started trying to pull people out of the wreckage. When we told him not to (neck injuries and such), he started getting crazy.

Another woman came up and started screaming about "her baby" and it just started to spiral out of control. As there was now a small army of people gathered, Jason and I figured we were only in the way (by then a nurse and off-duty paramedic were there), that the drama was going to lead to trouble and that we didn't want to be there for it, so we went on. We were so in shock, it didn't even dawn on us until much further down the road (after hitting a squirrel - darn rodents) that we should have left a statement.

I don't know why, but I seem to come upon these horrific accidents about once a year or so. I've seen a woman with a stop sign through her head who (we think) had a seizure while driving, a drunk woman in a ditch upside down, two elderly couples in a minivan that catapulted of 81... plus many minor accidents. Are they just way more prevelant these days, or am I just "lucky"?

I usually do much better in these types of situations. I stay calm, help out, leave a report, whatever. But this time around, I was freaking out internally. I think it's because I knew there were kids in there, and could see that I couldn't help and that it was bad. One girls eyes are still haunting me as I lay down to bed at night - I'm so anxious to know if she made it out ok. I've been reading the accident reports, but have seen no mention of this one. I hope that everyone in that vehicle is OK. I also kind of hope that someone beat the crap out of the guy that was driving before the cops got there. But that's a commentary I won't get into.

Next weekend is air travel to Chicago. Let's hope it is MUCH less eventful.

Reality Check

I have managed to convince myself these days that Sadie is a normal baby. After all, she's doing great, finally putting on weight, acting "normal"... I even find myself forgetting at times the hell we went through those first few months. Then I get a reality check.

Today was Sadie's cardiology appointment. Everything was perfect - her heart is functioning as expected, the valves are great, the pulmonary artery isn't stretched to far, the coronary arteries aren't kinked. She's 18 lbs 3 ozs and 27.75 inches now, so right on target. So why am I feeling so blue? He said almost good things today, though he did say that he was surprised that she was so alert - he had expected a bit of a zombie after all of the problems we had with drug addiction/withdrawal.

I guess it just all kind of hits when you go back to the cardiologists office. A whirlwind of memories comes flooding back. Until faced with the man who gave me the news that scary first night of Sadie's life, I can pretend it's a bad dream. Dr. Albrecht (her cardiologist) is wonderful - I think the world of him, and can never thank him enough for saving her life.

I guess my emotions really hit when our conversation about what to expect from this point out. He only wants to see her annually this year. Any time we want to sign her up for a new sport/activity, we should call, order a stress test and EKG and clear it first. Although they're lifting the recommendation for most "heart" kids to get antibiotics before surgical and dental procedures, he still wants her to do it, given her history. But the thing that got me was when we were chatting after the visit. He was telling me about his best friend's son, who had TGA as well. He was one of the first to undergo the "switch" operation Sadie had, and is 21 and active (a lacrosse player in college) today. Albrecht was telling me that, hopefully, Sadie will be able to be just as active, and "maybe even live long enough and be well enough to have children..." but that he couldn't tell me more than that. They don't know how long this surgery will "keep" or what is in store. For all we know, at 30 the stress on the pulmonary vein may be too much. Many kids have had complications, and the numbers just aren't in yet to know what odds are.

Not that I'm trying to be pessimistic - he was telling me this to try to encourage me. He also said that for all we know, she may live longer than any of us, and be more healthy. It should have been a comfort, but instead, it scared the heck out of me. I've been able to hold on this long by just thinking about today, the next year or two, etc. I haven't really thought about her future too much, or if there would be long-term complications. It just reminded me that although we've moved on, she's doing well and we're back to the "norm," she will never be truly "normal."

Sweet Escape

Not only is the title of Katie's favorite song these days (unfortunately), it's what I did last weekend and am considering doing in two weeks. Last weekend I was in Asheville for a weekend of ghost-hunting, wine-tasting, mansion-viewing and a dash of work. It was so much fun - I'd forgotten what it was like to be an adult without children clamoring for my attention every moment of every day. Not that I don't like it - I love my kids more than life itself. But everyone needs a breather.

So then this past week I got an invitation to go to Scotland for work - all expenses paid for 4 days, to tour Aberdeen. Includes castle visits, 5-star restaurants, golf, 5-star accommodations... and I can't decide if I want to do it. I have to make the decision tonight. While I enjoyed last weekend, it was only 2.5 days. This is 5. It also wasn't an ocean away. But, then again, how often does one come upon the chance to go to Scotland for free? On a fun trip? I'd be going on my own, which makes it even more of a draw - I could really roll up my sleeves and get some work done. Try to relearn how to sleep through the night (couldn't do it in Asheville). Listen to some great accents. Aaaah... I guess I'll decide tomorrow. It's bad timing, as it is the week after Jas and I go out of town for a wedding, and two weeks prior to the next wedding we are out of town for as well. Enough about me and my wanderlust.

Sadie's now 9 months. Still not crawling, still no teeth, but doing tons of cute things. If you ask her if she's sick, she'll cough. Ask her if she likes sweet potatoes and she'll nod her head and go "ya-ya-ya". Calls my breasts "baba" when she's hungry. Oh, and she says "bug". Everything is a 'bug'.

Katie's finishing up her school year, and it will be her last year at her current preschool. We're holding her back one more year before Kindergarten (she's right at that cutoff), so we're debating what to do next year with preschool vs. home learning. She's starting to come along with her letters and reading - she's got a good handle on most 3-4 letter words when it comes to sounding them out. She spends hours on the potty practicing her penmanship (don't ask).

In other non-important news, Darla (our dog) got attacked by a neighbor dog this week while we were out for a walk. She's ok (sore and tired, but seems to be fine), but it scared the living heck out of me, Katie and Sadie. All I could think to do was grab the dog and hope for dear life I could a) keep him from the kids, b) get her off Darla and c) not get eaten alive. Katie froze -when I said it was OK and we could walk away she said her legs were shaking too bad to walk. Sadie just screamed through it all (she loves Darla). I was too much in shock to berate the owners for not having him chained up, and I'm still trying to decide what to do about it. They were apologetic and said they'd pay for the vet bill, but that's not enough. I'm sick and friggin tired of living in a neighborhood overrun by aggressive dogs. If you know me at all, you know I'm a complete freak about animals - I love them. But I've been tempted to get a taser or something to keep with me to get them when they come up to us or Darla. I've called animal control a half-dozen times, as have my employees at various times, but nothing is done.
Any ideas?

In "The News"

Last night we took both girls to their first concert... and I'm not ashamed to admit it was Huey Lewis and the News. We weren't sure how they'd hold up (especially since they didn't come on until bedtime), but Katie and Sadie LOVED it. Sadie was bobbing her head and smacking her thighs, Katie was mesmerized by the musicians and loved shouting, dancing and clapping with the crowd. When we got home, I asked her what her favorite parts were, and she said she loved the guitars and when they sang "with just their voices" (accapella). She asked what the name of the band was, and when I told her, she said "Mommy, when I grow up I want to be in The News and sing too." Watch out rock'n roll hall of fame, here comes Katie.

Overall, it was a fair show. Huey's showing his age a bit, but vocally sounded as good as he did in the 80s. Katie was very impressed that he sang the songs in Disney's Oliver and Company, which I have a feeling we'll be watching a LOT in the weeks to come. This morning she asked for "The News" over her favorite Gwen Stefani track on the way to school. Yikes. We might have created a monster.

Total LOST junkie...

I don' t know how I'm going to get my fix... I'm a total LOST addict, and this was the best season ever. Now I have to get through the summer without it. Not to mention Heroes is done (what a lame way to end the season) and Idol is finito. What will I DVR now? Two episodes of Sopranos. Then I guess I'll start reading through my normal TV fix in the evenings. Summer can be so cruel.

In one of the last episodes of Lost, Charlie, knowing he was about to die, wrote down his five best moments in life. Being the total dork I am, I decided to try it myself. The amazing thing I discovered is that my top 5 those things happened in the last 4 years of my life. The other thing I realized through this exercize is that many of my happiest moments came at the expense of major "tragedies" in my life. I guess it was a reminder for me that, even in the midst of grief, loss, fear and sadness, great things and beautiful moments still happen.

I could easily come up with top 10 (actually, the list ended up being around 25). There are so many other favorite memories... happy childhood moments, beach vacations, my first kiss, the concert I met Jason at (Lollapallooza!), road trips all over the country with Cristen, my dad teaching me to dance, going to Longwood with Mom, the girls calling me "mama" the first time... it took me forever to narrow down the five "best." But this is the list I ended up with in the end. What are yours?

Here's what I came up with:
1. Katie's birth. That first time around is such a miracle - you have no idea what to expect and how your life will change. Katie looked up at me, and I've been her slave ever since.
2. Holding Sadie the first time. Imagine having a newborn and not holding her... watching her suffer, worrying she wouldn't survive. Then, magically, one day she is better and you get to hold her. She screamed the entire time, but it was magic, none the less.
3. Sadie's birth. Even though bittersweet, the actual process of giving birth without any drugs, in hindsight (not at the time) was a very rewarding and fulfilling experience. Would I do it again? Heck no. Hook me up to the drug machines. But the pride I felt for getting through it and living was immense.
4. The final moments I had with Nana. Jason's grandmother will have a lasting and lingering effect on my life. The communication we shared near her final days, both verbal and non-verbal, will stay with me forever. I always felt at peace in her home with her, and I miss her.
5. Getting my degree. Walking down the aisle, knowing I'd done it on my own, albeit the hard way, and that it was worth all those years of headache, debt, etc.

OK, and now because I know you care, here's the update on the girls the last few weeks. Katie came down with the flu on Mother's day. Sadie joined the party a few days later, followed by me. We all started feeling a bit better on Sunday of last week, when Jason suddenly threw out his back by picking up something off the lawn. He was just feeling left out, I think.

Katie is getting super excited about summer. She's got a million things lined up - classes (Tae Kwon Do, ballet, swimming, Spanish), play dates and other fun stuff. We're debating doing KD passes again this year. She had a blast going there last year. I'm hoping to work only 3 days a week (meaning working nights even longer hours, but at least i can get out), so that will be nice.

Sadie is "talking" up a storm. She's doing all kinds of sounds, and has mastered "Hi" and "Mama" - often using them together when I walk in the door, and waving like mad. She looks like if she keeps waving so hard she'll take off and fly. She's still not crawling, but that's ok. I know it's coming soon enough. She's decided to wean herself, which I'm kind of sad about. Actually very sad about. I feel like it was way too short. But she hasn't been gaining weight like she should, and she wants more than I can seem to keep up with, even with pumping in odd hours. So, I guess I need to just accept the inevitable. Next week she'll be 9 months!

Mother's Day Saved at the bottom of the 9th

So, I had a very crappy Mother's Day this year for the most part. I'd had no sleep the night before, was up early with the girls, they were both cranky and sick most the day, Jason didn't pitch in... it just sucked. That is, until toward the end. I was about in tears because it had been such a bad day, when all of a sudden Sadie looked up at me, threw up her hands for me to pick her up and said "Mama." That's right... dog be darned! I got to be Sadie's first word! (Katie said "Darla" (our dog) first). She's made the mama noises quite a bit lately, but I never could be sure before yesterday that she had connected that mama=me. There was no doubt in her actions yesterday! It instantly went from being my worst day to one of my best. Jason's very lucky, because he was inches from sleeping in the garage.

Katie is currently on this kick about asking questions concerning reproduction. She wants to know where everything comes from. Questions this week have ranged from "Do lady bugs carry babies in their tummies?" to "Do horses push babies out of a hole in their bottom?" to "Can cats have their tummies cut to pull the babies out like some mommies do?" Usually these conversations take place at inappropriate times when in public. I'm loving it. On the plus side, I find myself looking up things like insect reproduction late at night so I have some valid answers the next morning.

Sadie's getting long and remains fairly thin for a baby. I think she might be 17 lbs now. Length-wise she's outgrowing those 6-12 month sleepers, but they're still baggy around the middle. Of course, I worry myself sick over how much she eats. She still only eats small quantities every couple of hours. She's babbling a lot these days, and does this crazy rocking number that has caused quite a few bruises already. Mostly on me. She also pinches everything - me, the dog, her sister - and it really hurts. I'll be glad when this phase passes. No crawling yet, but she's inching forward on her belly.

Here are some bragging photos. I've been failing miserably in my mommy duties of posting them lately.

Katie, 4 1/2 yrs. And yes, those are weeds galore in the rock bed. Oh well. At least Katie looked pretty! This is one of the very few times she's worn a dress in the last year or two without fighting it.

Sadie, 7 months in a gorgeous dress a friend gave (thanks, Patty! Both girls' dresses were beautiful!). She ate the bow about 10 minutes into the pictures.

Good Morning, PoPo!

I awoke this morning to a series of beeping noises. I listened, didn't hear the kids moving (it was 5:45 am), so kept snoozing... too tired from the frequent wake up calls from the night before to get up and turn off (what I assumed) to be the alarm clock. Little did I know that the beeping noises were prelude to the loud alarm that was about to go off. Katie had opened the front door to "look outside at the weather", which had tripped our alarm. I ran downstairs to a hysterical 4-year old covering her ears and rocking in a corner, tears streaming down her face. I punched in the code, only to hear a woman's voice come over the system - "Are you OK?"
"Yes"
"I hear screaming"
"It's my 4 year old. She's scared of the alarm."
"Please give me your verbal password"
Ok, well, I set up this system almost 2 years ago, and have never used a verbal password. Great. I run through my list of passwords that I commonly use (there are like a million) until the frustrated woman on the other end of my alarm system sighed in exhasperation and said she'd call the number I had listed to verify. She called, I answered. Talked. Still didn't know the password. She said she'd call another number. No other phone rang.

A few minutes later, a nice police officer showed up. Again Katie began to panic and ran to her room crying loudly. I explained what happened (by this time I was holding Sadie, also crying), and he was kind enough to believe me. I then fixed the strongest cup of coffee known to man and gave up on further sleep for the day.

Sadie is now 8 months - it's hard to believe. She's scooting forward on her belly and starting to "talk" more. Today we went to NoVa to see Jason's brother's 50th birthday (Happy Bday Carl!) and she clearly said "mama" several times when she was being held by others and wanted me. Yay! I've been seriously worried she's autistic, so this is a very good sign. I guess she's just not the talker Katie was. Of course, it's hard for Sadie to get a word in edgewise with Katie around...

Jason was out of town last weekend to visit in Blacksburg, and was out of town for the last 4+ days to a boys weekend in Vegas. I've had nonstop drama for 3 of the 4 days. Puking, Pouting, Hurt Knee, Screaming, Leaky Fridge, Sleepless Nights, Low-flying Military Helicopters Circling for an Hour at Bed Time, Police Visitation and Outlandishly Early Mornings are just a few of my favorite highlights. He owes me SOOOOOOO big.

Another one bites the dust

On Wednesday, Katie's final guppy died. We started with five, and they had passed one by one, until this one was left. Of course he was the ugliest, most beat-up looking one of them all. He was called SpongeBob (by her because he was yellow/orange, by me because, even for a fish, he was pretty stupid). Katie was broken hearted. It took me off gaurd, because she's never cried over a fish, frog or snail before. And we've had quite a few.

We said our goodbyes, declared Wednesday a day of morning for him and sent SpongeBob via the porcelain express to fish heaven. Every hour or two after that Katie informed me that she really, really missed her fish. And that Gary, the snail, was lonely. Each time I'd confirm that it was OK to feel sad, and said that, when she felt like it, we could go get a new one. She said, "Maybe someday, Mommy. But right now I'm too sad." Well, someday arrived on Friday.

Friday morning arrived and Katie informed me she was ready for a new finned friend. At PetSmart she found a Betta that had escaped from it's little cubby into the big fish tank. She loved him, and wouldn't even consider another. He did still have color to him (as opposed to most who looked pretty white) and seemed active, so I finally caved.

Katie was thrilled over her new fish. She made phone calls. She made plans for show and tell. She told everyone she saw. That night the fish had kisses showered upon him (blown through the glass). I was told that in the morning, I would learn of the fish's new name.

Morning came, and the fish was not only alive (I breathed a huge sigh of relief), but had been named... Hokie Swimmy. Swimmy is her last name (don't try to tell Katie it's a male). Day 2 came and went, and the fish had a steady stream of conversation coming its way. In fact, that may be why the next day, she found him, laying on the bottom, belly up. Ahhh, Hokie Swimmy. Such a short life in our home.

Hokie Swimmy was the "bestest fish that was most ever loved ever." Yes, she was a "very, very special buddy." Thus, when the funeral arrangements were being planned, it was decided that the toilet just did not provide the appropriate reverence required for this mournful event. A coffin was thus fashioned from a toilet paper tube, and decorated with a snail (so he'd never forget Gary), a happy face (for fish heaven) and a butterfly. A tombstone was also crafted with his name and a heart. The burial took place behind the play area, under an oak tree, and Katie dug the grave herself. She wanted him near her swing, so she could always remember what a good fish he was. She said goodbye, then sat down in the grass and had another good cry. Sadly, I found myself tearing up just a little to see such a display of affection for a $3.42 fish.

So, we're off to Petsmart again tomorrow. I hope I can convince her to get a few goldfish. They're easier to replace without her knowledge.

The Final Emotion

An article was published yesterday on TechSideline.com that summarises my thoughts and feelings much more eloquently than I am able to write them at this point and time. It's a bit wordy, but so well captures how most of us (Hokies and VT friends and family) feel.


The Final Emotion
by Will Stewart, TechSideline.com


Apr 18, 2007

I am in the business of writing, of articulating my thoughts, of putting into words what others may only sense as a blur of feelings. I have never backed down from the challenge, be it capturing the emotion of a landmark victory, the pain of an agonizing defeat, the triumph and heartbreak that are part and parcel of athletics, even the horror of 9/11 over five years ago. It is my calling, my passion, my God-given talent. But I fear this ... this is too much.

I am not speaking lightly when I say that I cannot comprehend the loss suffered by the families, friends, and loved ones of this tragedy. I have tried to imagine what it must be like to suddenly lose someone close to you in this way. But I can't. I have a wife and three children, and when I try to put myself in that place, that terrible place where so many people have been thrown with no recourse, I can't.

It has only been two days since it happened, but it feels like forever. I am exhausted from being exposed to the brunt of it, from the message boards to the constant news coverage, to the conversations of family and friends, to the scenes on the Virginia Tech campus. Others have said they can't sleep. Not I. When I have fallen into bed past midnight the last two nights, sleep has come easily. It's getting up the next morning that has been difficult. We never thought this would be us. We have watched these kinds of tragedies from afar, but this one has hit us where we live.

The media have descended from around the world, poking, prodding, and worst of all, trying to place blame. An immense amount of pressure has been brought to bear on the Virginia Tech community, first by Cho Seung-Hui himself and then by the crush of international attention. While some of the coverage has been compassionate, much of it has not been, and some of it has bordered on cruel and sensationalistic. None of this surprises me, but being at the center of it still stings, and it changes your perceptions forever.

As I searched for meaning in what happened, I finally found it. I found it in the incredible poise, control, and togetherness shown by the Virginia Tech family. The true character of a person, group, or institution shows itself under pressure, and what the Virginia Tech community has shown us is grace, cohesion, intelligence, and compassion.

I have always thought that there was something different about Hokies, and the last few days have proven it. We always talk about the passion that Hokies have for Virginia Tech, about the special connection they feel to the university, and this tragedy has shown that talk doesn't ring hollow. If it wasn't true, if there wasn't a special bond between members of the Virginia Tech community, then they would have flown apart in the face of this adversity. They did not. They drew together and showed the world a united front.

Those interviewed by the media refused, for the most part, to be drawn into the baiting questions that sought to place blame on university president Charles Steger and the Virginia Tech Police Department. The very students who were in danger Monday let the world know where they stand when they applauded Dr. Steger at Tuesday's convocation service. The vultures were circling, hoping to pick the bones, but the people at Virginia Tech refused. They showed what it means to be Hokies. They drew together.

The students in particular have exceeded my expectations. We tend to think of them just as kids. Loud, shallow, self-centered, focused on the trivial, often spoiled. Adorned with body piercings, tattoos, and too much facial hair.

What we have seen instead, in the countless interviews of students on news channels up and down the dial, are bright, articulate, respectful individuals that any university would be flattered to call its own. Well-groomed, well-spoken, wearing dress clothes, ties, even suits, patiently answering questions, keeping their composure in the face of more than most of us will ever experience. I am on the one part humbled -- they are better people than I was at their age -- and on the other part proud.

Well done, students of Virginia Tech. You are representative of the type of people Virginia Tech is admitting and producing -- you, not Cho Seung-Hui -- and I am proud of both you and my university.

From the beautiful and gifted Reema Samaha to the cheerful, intelligent and talented Ryan Clark, Cho's victims were pictures of inspiration. These were not vapid, self-centered individuals. It is sad that their lives were cut short, but perhaps the way they conducted those lives will inspire others. They make me wish I could go through college again, to be more like them.

By the nature of what I do for a living, my window into the Virginia Tech world is athletics. Among the fans, athletics is about passion. It is about pride in victory and anguish in defeat. These emotions are always strong, always out of proportion to the importance of the games themselves, but I have always felt that with Virginia Tech fans, there was something beyond the typical fan relationship with their sports teams. Now that I have seen that passion and togetherness extend beyond the playing fields and the stadiums and coliseums and into the glare of this awful spotlight, I know it to be true.

Being a Hokie is not a mercenary relationship. It is not a business proposition. It is not an exchange of goods and services for money. It is a shared bond, a love that comes from somewhere we don't understand and can't explain to others. We do not take from this university; it gives to us. Perhaps when we first arrive on its campus, we have our own selfish interests in mind, but by the time we leave, we are transformed. We are Hokies.

It is sad and tragic that this happened to us. Because we love this university, we are devastated by what happened here. But if it was necessary for us to suffer in order for others to benefit, it is a burden we will bear, because our motto -- Ut Prosim, That I May Serve -- tells us that's what we must do. If our tragedy brings you together, if our loss makes you safer and makes you value what is important in life, if our suffering is not in vain, then we are prepared to shoulder this load ... so you don't have to. That has always been the mission of this university, and we are honored to carry it out.

Do not let the deaths of these 32 victims be in vain. Look into your hearts and see what it teaches you, and how you may be better because of what we have gone through. And know that when the bodies are in the earth, when the media has left, when others have moved on and life resumes its course, that for us, there is only one emotion left: Love. Love for this university, love for the people who died on April 16th, 2007, and love for those who are left behind. Remember this, and what happened here will not have been for naught.

William Neal Stewart
Virginia Tech, BSEE 1987

Hokie Pride

Reading my post yesterday, I realize the shock and anger that I felt. I've surfed the web for a few minutes today, and see that other alum are feeling the same way I do - angry at the media, grieving for the losses to our fellow Hokies.

After watching the convocation today, I felt something else... a very real sense of pride for the students that are there. I was brought to tears by the standing ovation that Dr. Steger received when he stepped up to the podium. I'm not ashamed to say I clapped along with them. After the hours of scrutiny that the press have put him through, I had thought that there may be a big backlash from the students. I was stupid to underestimate the brains behind the students of VT. Like her alumni, VT's student body is not swayed by the mass media - we know Steger, and the rest of those at VT did their very best, and we thank them for all they have done and are doing to make sense of it all. Yes, there were some terrible lessons learned - but now is a time to mourn this loss. Shame on the media for muddying the waters by trying to tear apart the student body and VT support system, instead of trying to bring together and build up the nation's support for these grieving families.

Yesterday was a day of shock, and today the grief begins to set in. To see the photos of those that were lost, to learn about their lives. It especially struck me how one professor survived the holocaust lost his life while trying to protect his students from a madman. One of the professors had published in one of my client's scientific journals. It is all so close to home.

Please keep Virginia Tech students and their families in your thoughts and prayers and help us in uniting to support the families in loss.

The vultures descend

Thirty-three people are dead. Many more injured.
All at my beloved alma mater.

The headlines and media personality are what are really surreal to me. I'm sitting here trying to get some actual news - who did this? Why? Who was injured?

What do I get instead? Matt Lauer reporting on how long it takes to cross the Drill Field. Bryant Gumball practicing his "serious concerned" look. Double-yuh reading a script. Every major media personality descending upon my favorite small town. Today more than ever I reaffirm why I abhore American media. I want the news, darn it. I don't need to know how it makes Larry King "feel sad."

In the days and weeks to come, I know this tragedy will be analyzed, again and again. I know that many will come forward with their stories, and, like many, I will feel forced to watch it in some hope of making sense of what happened.

Just a minute - here comes Dr. Phil to help us "make sense of it all." Oh thank goodness.

Soapbox and media orgy aside, my most heartfelt thoughts and prayers go out to everyone who lost someone they love today. As a fellow Hokie, my condolences go to the students and alumni who are reeling from it all. To the mothers who lost children, the wives who lost husbands, the girls who lost the loves of their lives... I am so incredibly sorry for their losses. I'm sad for those who got up, went to class this morning, and expected a German lesson, but lost their lives.

And finally, a note to one of my favorite people who should have been in Norris this morning, but chose to skip class. I'm so glad you're a slacker.

Rocky week

I haven't posted lately because things have been a bit on the glum side lately.

Easter was fine. We got together with both families. Stress abounded, tensions were high, the usual tears were shed. I threw out my back. Sadie and Katie are exhausted and today has been a long lesson in payback for not letting them get enough sleep yesterday. It was a typical holiday (sigh).

The friends that we made at UVA Medical Center are still there with their little girl, Maddie. Maddie is a day older than Sadie. They are at the end of their journey with Maddie, and she is preparing to leave this world. It's eating at me that such a perfect little baby has had to suffer, and that Jeff and Kathy couldn't be normal parents. I feel so guilty that Sadie is OK, when Maddie is not. I feel so badly for them that this is their only child, and they have barely had time to hold her, and never had a single "normal" moment without tubes, schedules, meds and stress. They are having a tough time letting Maddie go, and understandably so. I just hope that she is not suffering, and that Jeff and Kathy will have the strength to be able to say goodbye on their own terms. Please keep her and her parents in your prayers.

10 Reasons I Will Never Go to Walmart Again.

Today I was forced to go to Walmart. I have managed over the past 6 months or so to avoid it except on two occassions. The local Walmart is less than 5 miles from my house, and open 24 hours. With "rock bottom" prices, it is tempting for one to think it is worthwhile and safe to go there. I've never really loved Walmart. In fact, I barely tolerated it to begin with . But today I topped 10 reasons, so I officially am beginning my personal boycot of Sam's Evil Empire. Here's why:

10. It's dirty. Ewww.

9. Bad business ethics. Booo.

8. They're morons when it comes to logistics. Sure, it may cut costs, but don't be stupid about it. Restocking at the busiest time of the day (e.g. 4:00 on a Sunday afternoon) is not smart or efficient. C'mon people.

7. The obvious shoplifting that occurs around me is downright annoying. People don't even try to be sneaky. (Example - conversation overheard today "Should I get the red or orange?" reply "It doesn't matter, just take 'em both. You're stealing them anyway.") I could make off with an entire cart without being noticed if I didn't have these annoying things called morals. So I stand in line and pay while watching others walk away with hundreds of dollars in merchandise - right under the rent-a-cops noses.

6. Apparantly, being in Walmart gives parents full rights to let their children run through the aisles screaming, without supervision. In fact, it seems to be encouraged. I understand if you can't get your baby to stop screaming (believe me, I really understand). However, once they're 2 or so, enough is enough. No, tying them to a cart is not a solution.

5. I really don't save anything more than shopping at my local Target. Unfortunately, Target doesn't have all the food items yet (specifically produce), but they added wine a few weeks ago (yay Target!), so we're getting there. Please, Target, please. Stay open till 11, add produce and meats and you will see an even bigger percentage of my paychecks!

4. Walmart is ugly. Just walking in there makes you feel cheap. It smells like I imagine Bangladesh smells (my friend who lived there several years called it the armpit of the world).

3. The parking lot is scary - potholes, carts everywhere, shady people hanging out in their cars just watching you... and no matter where you park, you're at least a mile from the store.

2. They purposely put everyday items on opposite ends of the store (dog food, baby items, groceries) to force you through the maze of madness. To get dogfood I had to walk through toys. To go to the diapers I had to trapse through electronics and tents. To get food, I had to go through bedding. I just don't have time for that crap.

1. I like to go shopping without witnessing two arrests, a near brawl, surly staff, abused children and migrant farmers trying to cop a feel. Is that too much to ask?!

So next time I need food, I'll pay a fortune at Ukrops and talk to all the old biddies who want to tell me about their favorite types of cheese. If I need personal care items, I'll head to Target and sip a Frappaccino while checking out the latest in the growing line of designers that have sold out to mainstream America.

And, if I'm in the mood to see first-hand action rivaling the Springer show or COPS, I'll head to Walmart. Seeing that I hate those shows, you won't be seeing me in Walmart any time soon.

Eau de New Car

On Saturday we finally bit the bullet and decided it was time for some new wheels.

I LOVE the smell of new car. Yummy. We ended up settling on the new Saturn Aura. It's a sweet ride, fully decked out, and a huge step up from our little Civic. Yes, the Civic will be moving on. I love that car, and actually was a bit teary as we drove it to the dealership (where we found out they'd give us basically nothing for it). That car has 175,000 miles, and still runs like a gem. It's been wrecked 3-4 times (depending on if you ask Jason or me), driven over about a third of the country, several times, and was the first car we bought together. After 11 years, it's time to cut the cord and move up a bit.

Marriage and Snuggles

It was a fun weekend with the girls. I've got some great stories from both of them.

So some background before beginning the first. When I was pregnant with Sadie, Katie had tons of questions. Somehow, in explaining them, wires got crossed and she began to tell us that you had to get married to have a baby. Now I've never told her that, as I'm perfectly fine with non-traditional means of baby having/rearing, as long as the baby is in a healthy, loving relationship. I didn't want to explain to my four-year old how babies REALLY come about, nor my political/social views of proper baby-making and family rearing, so I just let it slide. This has come back to haunt me.

On Saturday morning I was bathing Sadie, who now requires multiple baths a day thanks to "solid" foods. Katie was helping me, as she loves to do. Sadie has this baby bath tub that on one side allows her to sit up, and the other side to lounge. She was sitting up on the "big baby" side, and Katie looked at me very seriously and said, "Mommy, you should get married again so that we can have a baby boy on this end."

Ummm. Yeah. Moving on...

At Sadie's 6 month appointment this week she hit the 50th percentile for everything except height, where she's in the 60th. Pretty darn amazing for a child who spent the first month of her life more or less comatose.

I have spent the last 6 months agonizing over when and if she would ever really connect with me. Up until the last week or so, she's loved everyone pretty much the same, showing no real bond. It's been tearing me up, but I try to play along, knowing that after all, it is common for a "normal" infant to do the same. Then, all of a sudden this week - magic. I got to snuggle, and I get "hugs". She waves bye bye and gets super excited when I walk in the room. Three nights this week I was able to get her down without having her scream herself to sleep. This is HUGE. It had never happened one night, let alone 3 in a row. Tonight, as I danced around the room with her trying to get a 4th night free of screaming (didn't happen), I realized that, while the doctors said months ago that Sadie was normal, she was not. Our lives were not. Finally, at long last, I can see an end to our long battles. As I snuggled my face in her hair and felt her heave one of her last give up sighs for the night I realized that I am probably the happiest mommy in the world at the moment. Two beautiful, healthy and happy girls. There's nothing better I could dream of.