Monday, January 05, 2009

Not so tough, are ya?!

During the past two weeks, a lot of people have told me I am strong. I want to set the record straight. I am NOT strong. My nerves are raw and my emotions are on edge. I've cried the past two days over multiple things, big and small. I'm exhausted and, dare I admit, feeling a tad blue. I know, I shouldn't be. I have a lot to be thankful for. But there it is, I said it - I'm weak.

I know that the "you're so strong!" comments are meant in sincerity, and as a compliment. I do appreciate the votes of confidence. But the "me" that comes out on this keyboard or chit chats on the phone is far from the deeper "me" that is curled up in the recesses of my brain in a fetal position, rocking away, rocking away...

For some reason our family got hit by two major medical traumas in two short years. And I had a front row seat both times. When you're thrown into something like that, you don't HAVE a choice but to hold it together and "stay strong." But I'll tell you, the minute it's all over with, I, for one, go to pieces.

So, I disappeared the last few days from humanity. I spiked a nice fever at 102 the day after Jason was released from the hospital, and two days later, when it went away, I was left feeling more exhausted than I ever remember feeling before. The adrenaline that kept me going during crisis mode has long since gone, leaving behind a worn-out, stressed-out mess in its wake. I was home with the kids and Jason for what felt like an eon, leaving only for doctors appointments and must-have Target trips. I answered the door in pajamas. I didn't bathe for two days at a time. Thank goodness for our friends in the local Mended Little Hearts, who were so kind to bring food by for our family this past week. I had no presence of mind to cook, clean or do anything beyond caring for the kids and Jason (when allowed - he's rather irritable on all those steroids). I pretty much fell to pieces.

Tomorrow things start up again. The girls are back to school, our preschool is again open, and my consulting business is back in full-swing, gearing up for tax season. Jason goes back to work, as well, though he's still not quite back to his normal self (he's dying to go back to work - that right there is an indicator that something still isn't quite right).

I'm ready to move on, too. To pick up the pieces and get life back in order. Tomorrow is a new day, in a new year that I KNOW holds great things! I just need to pull it together, get up off the couch and get back in the game.


  1. Hey Kim,

    I am here for you. I know how you feel. I always fall apart after a crisis, there is just nothing left of me at that point. For me, it is good to get it all out though, as long as it does not keep you on the couch too long. Please call me if you want to talk. I am here for you.

    Heart hugs,
    Christy Davis

  2. Anonymous9:44 PM

    Hey. I should have read your blog before I emailed you. Hang in there girl. The after crisis stage is almost as unbearable as the crisis itself. PTSD is a real thing. Give yourself some time and lean on some of us that understand and have lived in that "fetal rocking "moment.


  3. Just wanted to say that I'm thinking of you. Wish there was some way I could make it better for you. If it makes you feel any better - I've been there and you're right. I felt the same way. Not strong - just no choices to do otherwise than get through it. If you're not tough now - you WILL be!!!


  4. Anonymous6:22 PM

    I've been thinking of you so much and was hoping to hear from you BUT I do understand your going through a lot. I also fall to pieces after the crisis has settled (except for today our power went out and I couldn't get my garage door to open to go pick up Abriel from school) I not only only cried while I was on the phone with the school, I said about 25 curse words in 5 seconds and even punched a nice dent in the garage door. Anyway you are ALLOWED to fall apart but do get off the couch before you do get stuck to it.

    Natalie Sanders

  5. Kim,

    I too am familiar with that "fetal rocking" and the inevitability of falling apart after crisis. When you're up for it, maybe another girls night out would be a good thing. In the meantime, know that we're here for you and we'd love to help pick up the pieces.

    Big hugs,

  6. Anonymous12:58 PM

    I totally relate to the difference in being strong and feeling strong. You do what you have to when you are taking care of others, as you mentioned, that when it comes to the down time you don't have the energy to take care of you. I hope that you are able to relax this weekend and maybe escape with a good book or movie. Being not so tough is human and actually a very good quality to have. It allows us to care.
    With love,
    Lauren :)

  7. Kim, you have so much on your plate, and it's ok to feel the way you do. I know about people telling you how strong you are, it's ok for them to say so. What's important is what's in your heart, and what's in there will give you inner strength to carry on. I believe that we're are all given a purpose in life, and we're chosen to handle different situations because we can handle them. Therefore no matter what you're going through, no matter what type of day you have from hospital experiences to everyday's aggravation, BELIEVE that you've been chosen to handle all those situations because YOU CAN. This is the place I am right now, it's not very rosy, but I know in my heart I'll find the inner strength to deal with everyday and what's to come. I just have to choose to make my day a Happy Day.