Tantrums

OK, someone tell me how to handle a tantruming three year old. Please. Because I have NO. FRIGGIN. CLUE.

As a Montessori mom, I use the 'choices' approach to help stave off about 50% of the tantrums. But some days Sadie has already escalated well out of the realm of reasonable discussion.

So I remove her from the situation if I can. Try to talk about using a calm body and kind words. But sometimes she's already over that, too.

So she kicks, screams, scratches, tears things apart, throws things, etc. And if we get to that point, well, it's going to be at least 20 minutes before she can calm herself.

A friend was here today and witnessed what transpires first hand. Sadie hit her daughter in the head with a toy, several times. When I called her over to speak to me, she refused to budge. I went to her, knelt to her level and said, "we do not hit our friends with toys, it hurts." To which she replied, "I know" and made a face. I replied, "if we hurt our friends it makes them sad, so we need to apologize to help them feel better. We don't want to hurt our friends, do we?" To which she replied, "yes I do. She's stupid." Stupid, you see, is the worst word she knows... at least at this point. It's like a curse word in our home.

So I gave a choice, we could go over and apologize to the friend and play nicely, or we could go sit down and calm down. And the screaming began. Not a "wah" but a high pitched, ear pearcing scream. I told her that "screaming is not nice, it hurts my ears, it hurts all of our ears. You need to use your words so that we understand what you want to tell us." Yeah, no effect. So another choice was given, stop screaming and use words to talk to me about how she was feeling, or go upstairs. And a hit flew. And I scooped her up, went upstairs to her room and put her on the bed.

Again the conversation about using words. She's kicking, screaming, throwing things, so obviously, no more conversing at this point. I tell her that if she continues to throw things, I will have to hold her until she calms so she doesn't break anything or hurt herself or me. It escalates. I hold her. She bites, screams. Twenty minutes pass. No dice. I put her down several times during that time, each time to get assaulted. At this point I'm wondering if my friend has left. I wouldn't blame her if she had.

Sadie calms enough, finally, to say she wants to go downstairs. I say sure, if she can use a calm body and quiet voice. She starts down the stairs, and the wails start up before we're half way down. Full blown crying again at the bottom of the stairs. Again, the choice to remain calm downstairs, or go back up. She chooses screaming. We go back up.

During this, my friend is downstairs. She's pregnant, otherwise I would have hooked her up to an IV of alcohol to help with the pain being inflicted by Sadie's wails (mentally and physically). I ask her in frustration if she has any ideas. She said sure, put her in the room and walk out. Let her tear it up. Then she has to clean it up after. Take out any special items you do not want broken. And so, at wits end, I do that. And I close the door, go to the other side, and sit against it so she can not get out. She breaks a part of the door banging and wailing. I sit and cry. My friend leaves. 40 more minutes pass. Finally she calms.

So, my question. How the heck do you deal with a kid like this? How do you a) keep it from escalating to that level and b) calm a child once he/she is a full blown tantrum? I've searched the internet, and books, and asked some friends of toddlers. They give me advice on avoiding the situation, but not one resource can tell me how to deal with it once it happens.

I'm beginning to wonder if there's a behavioral problem. My friend today admitted she'd never seen anything like this. I tell people all the time about the difficulties, but few have witnessed the full blown Sadie Tantrum. I need Nanny 911!!!!

Recently heard...

Katie's at that age where her reasoning, expanding vocabulary and innocent insight combine in a lethal combination of comedic quips. Here are a few heard just this past week:

Katie asked me earlier this week why girls just have the "short thingies" instead of penises, like boys have. I told her because that's how we're made. She replied that it would be so much easier if we had them, so that we could pee on trees like boys do. She then asked if boys have the "third hole." No, I tell her, boys don't have a vagina. Later I hear her telling Sadie "You have a 'banina' like me because you're a girl. You don't have a penis." Ah, great. Can't wait till my 20 month old starts running through the house talking about penises.

She loves to personalize Old MacDonald with family in it. For Jason, it's "with a poot, poot here," with me it's "and drama, drama there" and Sadie is "everywhere a scream, scream." Tells you quite a bit about our daily lives.

Katie: You know Carlee has a boyfriend now?
Me: No, really? Who is it?
Katie: It's Jacob.
Me: Oh wow, that's big news!
Katie: Yeah, but she's already tired of going with him. She's breaking up with him tomorrow, but she's too scared, so I'm going to do it for her.
Me: How will you do that?
Katie: Duh, I'll chase him when we're playing wolves, catch him and tell him it's over with him and Carlee and that he needs to move on.
Me: Sounds like a good plan. But try to be nice about it Katie. He may have his feelings hurt.
Katie: No, Mom, he's used to it. All his girlfriends break up with him that way.

Tonight, while playing animals I said something to amuse her. A few minutes later she told me that her brain was still laughing inside her head.

Preschool Party Survival Tips

Last weekend we celebrated Katie's 5th birthday with the ultimate little girl's party, complete with a pony. Yes, I'm a total sucker. Yes, I realize I'm trying to relive childhood. And yes, I am a glutton for punishment.

But, Katie had a blast, and the look on her face when she saw and rode the pony was priceless, so it was all worth it. I enjoyed watching her play with her friends, and seeing how much that circle continues to grow each year. I actually even relaxed and enjoyed some of the party myself.

It's been an incredibly tough year for Katie, and I wanted to do something extra special for this birthday. She loves a good party better than anyone I know, and it was fun watching her be spoiled rotten for a few hours. If anyone deserves it she does - she's had more responsibility, stress and emotions than most kids will have in their entire childhood wrapped up in the last 12 months. I'm glad to see that she is finally starting to move past it a little bit, and get back to just being a kid.

I credit the success of the party to a few tricks I've figured out after 5 years of trial and error with children's party. For those of you who have kids just entering the party age, let me pass on some of these nuggets of wisdom regarding children's parties.

1. Don't even think of organizing a game. Half the kids are afraid of blindfolds. The other half are all too busy picking their noses, digging in sand or running in circles to pay attention to the instructions.
2. Skip the piñata. Yes, it's so cute to see little ones whack the heck out of a paper maché pony, but really, it's a liability. I was only hit once this year (a record, I think), but it was a good blow to the head, and it still hurts when I brush my hair. No piñata next year. Period.
   
3. Know the people you invite. I invited Katie's entire class (10 kids) because they have a rule at her preschool that if you want to invite one kid, you have to invite all, or none at all. It made for an awkward beginning and it was nearly impossible to break the ice with some of the party-goers, adults and children alike. On the plus side, I now know who to avoid at preschool get-togethers.
   
4. Dollar store cowboy hats are not a good investment. They leave a ring of color on your kids' heads that do not come off. Ever.
5. Have adult drinks. You will need them by the end of the first hour. Trust me. You may want to share them with parents who are spending the afternoon, as well. The parents relax and let the kids play while they visit, and the kids learn not to cling to mommy like cat hair on black pants. Read "The Three Martini Playdate" for inspiration in this area.
6. Lock the children out of the house. Allow them in only for party breaks. This serves two purposes - one, it gives the parents a space where they can go for quick doses of sanity and refills of item #5 above. Two, it helps with the aftermath that comes after a tidal wave of children descend upon your home. A little, at least.

I think we can say that the party was a success. Katie had a blast and honestly, I did, too. After the initial hour or two's awkward moments, everyone mellowed out, relaxed and enjoyed a nice, muggy central Virgina afternoon.