In a Phoenix Phase... again

I've battled with depression in the past. That hopeless feeling you get when you feel you're stuck in a situation you just can't get out of. I haven't dropped to that level yet, but good God, I'm having a rough time lately.

My sister put it into perspective for me this past week in an email. It was hard to look at, but so true. My entire life has changed - 95% from what it was less than six months ago. I'm burning again, and I know there's major rebirth - there's some hard seed deep within that's just beginning to crack open to new possibilities I've never considered. I get that. But philosophy aside, this period of my life sucks. It really, really hurts. And I don't feel like I can take much more. Here's a snippet of the changes:

- Single mom
- New house
- Loss of brother-in-law, who I loved dearly
- Major financial changes
- New job
- New job isn't what I'd hoped for
- Loss of a business, built from a dream
- Loss of steady child care thanks to the loss of the business
- Many, many upset families thanks to said business loss
- New dog, again. A puppy that chews, to boot.
- Health issues
- Closing down the second business
- Failing a client for the first time in my life
- Living in a house starting from scratch. No furniture. No cable. Constantly breaking appliances.
- No place to go to to relax, calm, renew
- Missing out on the time I had with the kids - narrowing from 5+ hours to 2 hours a day of free time with them, IF I'm lucky. I'm half the mom I was. Hell, not even half. I'm tired, I'm cranky and I don't friggin feel like playing Barbies. Sheesh.

And so, yeah, I'm down in the dumps. I haven't been out with any of my friends in over a month. I haven't had my regular girlfriends over on our regular nights, who I never realized made me so much saner. I've made plans, but every time I do, I end up having the kids, dealing with a crisis or emergency or working a trillion hours that won't allow me to get away for a moment of peace.

So, I guess it's just a funk. My temptation is to go to the doctor, to ask for something to make it all feel better. To find an easier way out than getting up each day, battling through it, coming home defeated. But I won't. Not yet. Given that long laundry list of changes, i think it would be abnormal not to feel unhappy, unsatisfied, forlorn. I will get there, and I will mark each day off the calendar until I get to that day where I can once again wake up, knowing I can make it through the day and that it will, indeed, be a better day.

Until then, burning down to ashes, awaiting my reawakening.

Darn.

So close to my goal of a blog a day, but didn't quite make it. I did put up a post yesterday on learnaboutchd, so I guess that counts, right?

Flu is still raging. I thought I was better this morning, and headed out to work in the office a bit, only to be promptly reminded about 45 minutes later that the flu had not had enough of me yet.

I am dying to get out of this house! Katie doesn't seem to have the flu. Just sore throat and slight fever. Thank goodness. Sadie's still ok. Guess I'm just the lucky one!

I promise to be back to my blogging self soon...

Flu.

Need I say more?!

I woke up Saturday morning in Boston with my throat raw at 4:00 a.m. I figured it was from playing outside in the snow the night before with only a light jacket on (totally didn't pack right for Boston), so drugged myself with ibuprofen and coffee and headed to the mall for last minute souvenirs. Shortly thereafter, the rest of the flu bug made itself known.

The flight home was uneventful (thankfully) and the kids and the rest of the zoo at our house were most welcoming. I however, just wanted to curl upstairs for some shuteye. Not happening.

Fast forward to today... been battling a 101 temp all day, chills, angry throat, angrier bowels and a raging headache. Katie was great all day - played on her own often, and tried to entertain Sadie from time to time. Sadie, on the other hand, is a teething banshee who was not having anything to do with anything I wanted her to do today.

Whatever happened to sick days?!

So Lucky

I've made quite a few friends through the various outlets I've found for parents of CHD kids, one of which posts frequent updates of her daughter, who suffers the same defect (and more) that Sadie has. While she is in a much more serious situation with her child than I am with Sadie, I felt that her post read a portion of my heart, a part that I'm unable to verbalize as eloquently (if at all). I'm posting a portion here:

I can’t describe what it’s like to be a part of this new world. Things that I never once thought about, are a part of my daily life now. As parents – no matter how old your children are – you never want to think about losing them. Unfortunately, when given the very special honor of raising a medically fragile child – those thoughts never go away. They are literally in my mind all the time – lurking in the background on a good day, and more obvious on the bad days. We have certainly had more close calls than I care to remember!

So many parents and children I have read about and couldn’t help but cry – even though I have never met them and never will. Even though I have not lost a child – my imagination of those feelings are very real. Especially when these parents have worked SO hard to do everything to keep their children alive and healthy. It just seems so unfair!

But one thing I’ve started to notice more and more – is that the ones that have been honored to raise these special children feel so lucky, so blessed. How can that be? We deserve to feel cheated and bitter and angry! Well, okay, we do feel those feelings. But, more than that, we feel blessed and grateful. I find that so amazing. Those that have never spent one night in the hospital with a child recovering from life-saving surgery should feel like that. Those that have never had to learn about a rare medical condition, surgery, birth defect, how to be a nurse for their child, etc. should feel like the luckiest people on earth.

I am incredibly thankful. (Even though I am very bummed that the Packers lost tonight.) Every single day completely amazes me. Now isn’t that something?

The New Year

Well, we're already half-way through the first month of the new year, and I'm finally finding a moment to sit down for an update. This year is going to be a good one, I just feel it. Even if it's not great, it has to be better than last year! I've never been so happy to leave a year behind in my life. It was stressful on all fronts - work, kids, house, relationships...

So, this year I'm actually making a few resolutions to ensure it's a better one. I started out with only two, but as the year opened up, I found a few more I want to add. Here's what I've got:

1. I'm not going to take the backseat in my life anymore. Don't get me wrong... I will always help others when I can, but not at the expense of my emotional health, nor my family's. Last year I tiptoed around quite a bit, not wanting to hurt anyone and bending over backwards to accommodate what I thought others wanted of/from me. This applied to a variety of aspects of my life both personally and professionally. So, this is the year of taking the reigns back, which leads me to,
2. I will make more time for fun. With the kids, with the husband, on my own. Life is too short not to be having more fun! This means expanding my social network that shrunk so much over the past two years, getting to the theater more often, trying new things, having more girls nights out, etc.
3. I'll learn how to take care of myself again. Since I work from home, I rarely put on makeup, "do" my hair, etc. Because of child and work obligations, I forgot how to take time and take a bath, go for a walk by myself, shut myself in my bedroom and read a book without interruption, enjoy a moment of silence. I'll start MAKING time to go to the gym (already have started to return to that routine), even if it means missing an hour with the kids, the husband or the pets.
   
4. And then there's the ever-present (it seems in my life) need to lose some weight. Yeah, yeah, that too. It fits into #3, but needs to be broken out so I can see it in writing. Time to get back to pre-baby weight again. I can and will fight the battle of finding an elliptical at the gym in January (amongst the hoards of other resolution-makers) and will stick with it through the end of the year when the gym once again echoes and I have my choice of machinary.

That's the lowdown on the soon-to-be new-improved Kim. More backbone, less fat, more fun. Sounds good to me. Plus we have some fun stuff planned. I'm heading to Boston in February for the Consumer Trends Forum (shameless plug for my client organization... it will be a GREAT meeting packed with lots of insight into current consumer trends), to Hatteras in May with a group of friends to try out scuba diving in frigid waters (if we can get our certification in time), to one of my fav cities in the US - New Orleans - in June for some Cajun cookin' and microwave science (again, client meeting) and then to the big one... Lake Biwa, Japan for an international microwave science congress. I can't wait to go. Jason will be coming with, and we are saving and planning now to make it the trip of a lifetime. It will be his first trip out of North America!

Happy (belated) New Year!

So in love

Our new puppy arrived last night... all head and paws. She's clearly a German Shepherd/Pitbull mix, with possibly some Lab thrown in for good measure. She's so cute we can hardly stand it.

We still haven't settled on the right name yet - though I'm probably going to try to convince Jason to let Katie have her way and go with "Sparkles". Both of us hate the name, but Katie loves it, and has taken to calling her that already. What can you do.

As mentioned in a previous blog, the puppy was rescued from a dumpster, where she was placed in a airtight tote in 100+º weather to die. Three did die, though four survived - she is one of them.

When Katie saw her at the fair, apparently it was love at first sight. To be honest, I had my eyes on another pup, and didn't even notice this one. On our drive home that night, Katie talked about the puppy with the "curly tail" (I hadn't noticed her tail) and how much she loved her. The next day she told me that she and the puppy were meant to be together, because the puppy had come to her and told her when she met her at the fair. The next day she was in tears, because I had a short temper (possibly from hearing about the puppy nonstop) and told her that we didn't even know which one had a curly tail, and we weren't sure if we'd be able to get that one. Finally, we got the interview (from AARF, the rescue league that saved this little girl's life), and were asked which puppy we wanted. I told them the one with the curly tail. And now she's here!

Last night Katie told me that it was the happiest day of her life. She said, "Mommy, my puppy and I were meant to be together. I love her so much!" And today's quote took the cake. She was on the floor, cuddling with the puppy when she looked up at me with tears in her eyes and said "Mommy, I'm so in love with my new puppy!"