In a Phoenix Phase... again

I've battled with depression in the past. That hopeless feeling you get when you feel you're stuck in a situation you just can't get out of. I haven't dropped to that level yet, but good God, I'm having a rough time lately.

My sister put it into perspective for me this past week in an email. It was hard to look at, but so true. My entire life has changed - 95% from what it was less than six months ago. I'm burning again, and I know there's major rebirth - there's some hard seed deep within that's just beginning to crack open to new possibilities I've never considered. I get that. But philosophy aside, this period of my life sucks. It really, really hurts. And I don't feel like I can take much more. Here's a snippet of the changes:

- Single mom
- New house
- Loss of brother-in-law, who I loved dearly
- Major financial changes
- New job
- New job isn't what I'd hoped for
- Loss of a business, built from a dream
- Loss of steady child care thanks to the loss of the business
- Many, many upset families thanks to said business loss
- New dog, again. A puppy that chews, to boot.
- Health issues
- Closing down the second business
- Failing a client for the first time in my life
- Living in a house starting from scratch. No furniture. No cable. Constantly breaking appliances.
- No place to go to to relax, calm, renew
- Missing out on the time I had with the kids - narrowing from 5+ hours to 2 hours a day of free time with them, IF I'm lucky. I'm half the mom I was. Hell, not even half. I'm tired, I'm cranky and I don't friggin feel like playing Barbies. Sheesh.

And so, yeah, I'm down in the dumps. I haven't been out with any of my friends in over a month. I haven't had my regular girlfriends over on our regular nights, who I never realized made me so much saner. I've made plans, but every time I do, I end up having the kids, dealing with a crisis or emergency or working a trillion hours that won't allow me to get away for a moment of peace.

So, I guess it's just a funk. My temptation is to go to the doctor, to ask for something to make it all feel better. To find an easier way out than getting up each day, battling through it, coming home defeated. But I won't. Not yet. Given that long laundry list of changes, i think it would be abnormal not to feel unhappy, unsatisfied, forlorn. I will get there, and I will mark each day off the calendar until I get to that day where I can once again wake up, knowing I can make it through the day and that it will, indeed, be a better day.

Until then, burning down to ashes, awaiting my reawakening.

Rollercoaster

I'm on a bit of an emotional roller coaster these past two weeks or so - watching my ex-mother-in-law suffer so is terrible. Horrible. I wouldn't wish what she's going through on my worst enemy. I hate not being able to help - just having to sit and wait.

And the divorce thing is still a stress maker. I can't wait to move on it.

And the businesses. Ugh. The businesses. Some days I want to throw in the towel on them both and hit the reset button.

Yet despite it all, I've had some FANTASTIC days mixed in. Full of friends, my babies, life and spring, oh glorious spring. My forsythia in the back yard are in full bloom, surrounded by daffodils and I go out several times a day just to see them. My God, how I'd missed the sun.

I once read a book that describes this phase as the Phoenix process - a time of death and rebirth, burning to ashes and waking up or opening to a new reality. The author of that book said that you can choose two things - to ignore it and continue to smolder into nothing, or embrace it and take the lesson that life is giving you to create something new, bold and beautiful. That analogy seems all the more poignant at the moment. I'm not sure when the burning stops - it's still in full force, but I'm already beginning to sift through the ashes of what was to figure out what the lesson was. What I can take from it. How I can grow. I'm getting bits of it, but I know I've got a long way to go before this process is over.

"Tears are words the heart can not express"

Thurs Night - The eve of surgery

Sadie has had a busy day. The morning started out with the replacement of her arterial line in her neck. They had put it in yesterday evening, and had not sutured it, so it came out a bit. They had to come in and redo it - this time with 3 sutures to ensure it didn't come out during surgery. I was in here for the procedure, which probably wasn't smart on my part, but I haven't wanted to leave her all day. Right as the dr was finishing up, a nurse came in and said Katie was coughing in preschool and had to leave because it sounded bad (she's in the preschool here at the hospital for now - it's for patients and siblings 3-5). So I freaked out and got over there, just to find out they'd sent for the wrong parents - Katie was fine (thankfully - I was in tears thinking she was getting sick too).

I left Katie to play longer, and got back to Sadie's room to find out that an echocardiogram was next on the schedule. They were searching for her coronaries to make sure that they looked good for surgery tomorrow. The echo guy said he thought they looked good, but when quized further said he couldn't get a good picture of the left one. He left with a promise that I'd know more before end of day. It's officially midnight, and no word on that.

Meanwhile, we've been looking deeper into the situation regarding Sadie's kidneys and whether or not she should get the preventative dialysis tube. The surgeon says no, but several drs here disagree, as well as some nurses. I addressed it to their (the cardiology surgical team's) nurse practitioner who told me they'd made the decision not to do it. I don't feel good about it, and they promised I'd speak to the surgeon today, but haven't seen him. In fact, I've never met him. It makes me even more nervous. I know he's crazy busy, but I'm worried and no one seems to be addressing the fact that we, as parents, have the right to know the reasoning behind it all. The NP said that they talked to some renal specialists, and they concur... but I still want further reassurance.

By this point I had a killer headache/migraine type thing going and took Katie to McD's House for lunch/laundry/nap time. Don't even get me started on McD house - that place is terrible. Once this is over with, they'll be getting a piece of my mind. We want to go to a hotel, but haven't had time to really look into the best place to camp out for the coming weeks. Maybe tomorrow while we await news and have nothing better to occupy our time.

Katie's been a saint during all of this, and loves her little sister so much. She draws these adorable pictures of Sadie - gives her black hair that sticks up all over. :) Tonight I had to call Mom and Dad to get her, though, because I just don't want to leave the hospital.

Tomorrow AM first thing is surgery, and I'm nervous. I eat whenever food is put in front of me, but can't really get into it and would forget if not reminded. My stomache is a mess and I can't seem to focus on anything. I'm teary, but can't get a really good cry in. I'm - in general - a wreck. I can't wait for it to be overwith. At the same time, I dread the thought of what she'll go through tomorrow and in coming days. I wish I could take it away from her.

Sadie was much more alert than I've ever seen her since I've been here tonight. At one point she had to be suctioned again, and I was beside her, watching her cry, which tears me up. Then she reached out and grabbed my hand - hard! I couldn't believe it, and I'm taking it as a sign that things will be ok tomorrow. A short while later she opened her eyes and really looked at me (a who-the-heck-are-you, drugged daze, but whatever, I'll take it). It's those little things that keep me going, and give me faith that she'll be ok through all of this.

Please stop and take a minute (today, now) to think of Sadie and send some prayers/positive energy her way. We expect her to be in surgery from about 7am - 3pm. The first hour will be sedation, second hour will be hook up to the bypass (lung/heart machine) and third will begin the surgery. She will have the transposition reversed, coronaries reattached, ASD (atrium hole) plugged, VSD (ventrical hole) plugged and her ductus tied off, as it has not closed. So much stuff for one little girl, but she's tough and a fighter, and we know she'll be ok.