Having babies

Katie told me tonight that she doesn't want to have kids, she just wants to babysit. When I asked her why (assuming it's the pain factor - she's discussed that quite a bit lately) she told me something I didn't expect.

She said it's because mommies have to work to hard and don't get to rest much. She doesn't want to be like me, having to work and take care of kids all the time without very much sleep.

*Sniff.*

I need to set a better example.

I'm about to blow

I'm trying to hold my crap together, but in all honesty, I'm about to lose it. The past few months have been trying and I feel that if one more thing were to drop, one more catastrophe hit, that I will just not be able to function any more. And then the next shoe drops.

Perhaps it's the four jobs that I'm juggling simultaneously. It could be the overwhelming pressure I feel to find new sources of income, such as agreeing to write an eBook on a topic I have zero interest in. It could be the simple pressures of managing a household. Maybe it's the pressure I feel when trying to find creative ways to pay bills when our income has been decimated by job loss for over four months - something I'd never accounted for in my worst case financial plans. Could be the financial demise of both of my clients, my main sources of income. Perhaps the crap Hanover county is putting me through to get a special exception to operate a home-based business? Or social services hoops required for licensing? To find time for the girls - quality time - in the midst of all of it. Or the grief over losing a long time friend. The death of a marriage. Yeah, I said it. Those of you closest to me already know, but throw it into the mix.

I am desperate for a way to escape it all, but I know escape isn't the answer. I have to somehow find a way to take on and tackle each of these, and the million smaller burdens they bring along. I guess my issue at the moment is figuring out how to handle even one, let alone all of them, simultaneously.

Ut Prosim...

"That I May Serve." Take a moment today honor the memory of those we lost at Virginia Tech two years ago today. Remember the families that suffered the ultimate loss. The friends. The classmates. Those still trying to pick up the pieces today.

I choose to remember by devoting part of my day to service to others, in their honor. I hope you will too. We are Hokies, we will prevail!!

Hitting a wall...

There are times that I just hit a wall. It's a natural process we all go through, I know, but some times the wall seems a bit higher than others.

The past few months have been incredibly challenging in so many ways. I've found myself digging deeper within for strength to simply get up some mornings. It's not like I'm going through more than anyone else, it's just that, for some reason, I'm struggling right now. Doors are being closed all around me, and I'm stuck in a bit of limbo, waiting for new ones to open. I'm not a very patient person by nature, so the waiting is starting to bite at me. I keep trying new doorknobs and they're locked... one day one will open, I'm sure.

I'm having a hard time trying to find time to write, let alone get what I want out. Most of it I don't want to share with cyberspace, let alone many of my closest friends. So, hang in there. I'll be back to my normal self one day soon. Or maybe not. Either way, better blog posts will be in the works.

By the way, Amanda's send off was great. It was so nice to reconnect with friends old and new to say goodbye to one helluva great friend. A gaping hole is left in cyberspace and my circle of friends, but I'm better for have knowing her.