Monday, August 16, 2010

Single Parenthood

I think I'm finally coming to terms with it. Well, kind of. I'm starting to assimilate at least.

Katie and Sadie, on the other hand... not so much. The single parent thing was fun for them the first month. New house. New friends. New lives. Less drama.

And then came Carl's death. Sadness. New dog. New drama.

And my new job.  Long hours. Stressed out mommy. Less quality time.

And less time with their dad.

So while I've begun to settle out and find a routine, they're only now feeling the full ramifications of divorce. They see their dad a few hours every week and every other weekend. They have less time with me than ever before. And, to be honest, I'm not half the mom I was. I'm tired, I'm stressed and I've forgotten how to play. Well, mostly.

Last week I really noticed it the most. One day I looked over at their pictures on my desk and realized I hate where I have let life lead me. I missed my babies. And it was everything in my power not to walk out of the office at 1:30 that day to get home to them. But I stayed.

On the way home I was in full meltdown mode. My life, I realized, was never going to be a white picket fence, fixing dinner for the family, hanging laundry on the clothes line with countless daytime hours with my children. And it's fine. I know. But it's not what I envisioned. This is not what I pictured at all. And I have to allow myself time to adjust, to let go of old dreams and to refocus and find new ones.

And with that last sniffle, I decided to start reclaiming and quit the pity party. If I spend the few hours I have with them drowning in regret and sadness, then I'll miss out on the best parts of now. And I feel like I've been missing out on a lot lately thanks to my pity party. So, pity party is officially over.

I'm a single mom. I work full time and then some. I have an insane schedule and demands. And I'm going to kick butt as a mom despite all of that. Time to put the big girl pants on and make the most of the time we have together.

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