Survival Mode

A lot of times I write a blog, only to delete it all and post some sunshine covered piece of crap that doesn't really represent what is happening inside. Not tonight. I don't keep a journal anymore due to lack of time, so this is the only record I have of daily life, so I'm laying it out straight. Life, right now, is not easy.

The new job has required killer hours so far. I worked more than 70 last week, with more to go today. So. Very. Tired. I love the job, and the people, but hate the hours required to get my job done. I'm sure it will reduce as I get into things, but for now, I feel like I'm drinking from a fire hose during the days, and working at night to make up for my lack of productivity from that day.

And I'm extremely emotional right now. Closing down the school is harder than I imagined. I have no place for Sadie yet, and I'm heartbroken that the school I built for her - quite literally - will not be her base through first grade as planned. I'm really angry about it too - at myself for not seeing the writing on the wall with one staff member, and at that staff member. It sucks that one stupid incident and the lack of one's ability to control emotions resulted in a $40k loss for me over a two year period. Not to mention the hours I put in. And never, once, did I get paid. Not once. So I'm bitter, sad, melancholy and frustrated. That just kicked in last week, when I began to inventory the materials I love so much to sell off to pay back parent deposits. This. Sucks. I feel like I'm selling part of my heart.

I'm also struggling to keep up with the remaining client with my company, and not doing well with it. I brought in someone to take over, but it's not an easy transition, and many things fell between the cracks in the last few months. They haven't paid me in two months, so it's hard to want to work for them in my spare time after putting in 60+ hours on a job that pays.

And the transition to being able to choose my own hours has been a difficult one. While I'd love to just go to the office 9-5 or whatever, my days are never like that. I go from 8-7, or 7-6, or whatnot and that cuts into those precious hours with my girls that are oh-so important now that I'm a single mom. I hate that I see them a couple of hours a day. I have close to soul custody in terms of time with them, and it's very, very hard to be perky with the hours I'm putting in. I feel like I'm failing them, too.

It all makes me feel like the last 7 years were a waste. How hard I worked to be able to be with them, only to end up working ridiculously long hours away from them. How hard I tried to make that school work, so that Sadie could have the education Katie was afforded. I'm tired of working like a dog, and missing out at the bone at the end of the day.

So yeah, I try to keep it light and keep that smile on. But to be honest, between working a million hours, failing with the businesses and finding myself in the toughest financial situation I have ever imagined (hello ramen noodles, old friend), it's been a rough few weeks. I can't even come home and crash on the couch in front of the TV - I have no couch, no cable. I know, I know. So many have it worse than I do. I get it. And I know I just have to keep my nose to the grindstone and this will pass, and shortly for that matter. But that doesn't make the current sting of the mornings, when I wake up from 3-4 hours of sleep to do it all again any easier.  This is definitely one of the hardest times in my life. By far.