Saturday, January 23, 2010

I'm not supposed to talk about it...

I'm close to the final stages of divorce, but I'm not supposed to talk about it. I guess some people who read this (hard to imagine there are many left as infrequently as I post) are upset about it, or found out through the blog instead of being told. Or that it shouldn't be shared with the public. But I'm tired of censoring myself.

Tonight I had dinner with another single friend. I desperately wanted to ask what it's like on the other side. On the 'recovery' end of it all. Granted his situation is entirely different then mine, but I wonder. I'm not ready for dating, even if everything is finalized with the divorce in the next few months as hoped. But I'm starting to get those pangs of loneliness. Sometimes the pangs make me remember I'm alive, I'm still a woman and I have (ahem) needs. But other times they're a bit deeper. I'm scared of being a single mom of two girls. I don't take the responsibility lightly. But I'm ready.

The holding pattern right now is what's driving me insane. I feel like my entire life is on hold.

Career - have two businesses. Bored with one, can't make a profit off of the other. Found an interesting job, thought I had it, only to find out it was never there to begin with. Ready to go back to working outside of the home and dropping the 80 hour weeks down to something more normal, yet not really wanting to miss those small moments I can steal with the kids once and a while during the days.

Love - marriage is over.  Living in the same house with the 'ex' because financially it's the most logical thing. Hating every minute of it. Wondering if I will ever find love. Wondering if I will ever trust enough to fall for someone if I do find it. Wondering if my "irrational" decision to move in the next week if the situation doesn't change will ruin the children.

Education - had hoped to go back to school this year. Not happening. Not sure when and if it can happen. But need that masters degree to get to the 'next' level.

Finances - yowza. The start of this year has been a wake up call personally. Sure, you hear about he economy all the time, but now... well, now it's REALLY hit home. Really, really.

So there. I shared entirely too much personal poo with total strangers (and many friends, too, I know!) on mass media. And strangely enough, my angst is slightly relieved...

7 comments:

  1. Hang in there! Let me know what I can do to help :-)

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  2. Hugs :-D I wish I could help in some way - you are in my prayers

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  3. Hello,

    I'm am sorry to hear you are going through a rough patch right now. As one door closes another will open. Your divorce is going to open up new opportunities for you to experience. Stay strong!


    Best,
    Hua
    Director of Bloggers
    wellsphere.com

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  4. Sending you lots of love! I cannot imagine how difficult this all is for you, but please know that you're never alone. Let's have a girls night out where we can talk about everything to our hearts' content.

    xoxo,
    Josie

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  5. Hugs. Hugs. And more hugs. And then wine. And my company. I hear they are a great combination. ;-)

    xoxoxoox,
    Christy

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