Eau de New Car

On Saturday we finally bit the bullet and decided it was time for some new wheels.

I LOVE the smell of new car. Yummy. We ended up settling on the new Saturn Aura. It's a sweet ride, fully decked out, and a huge step up from our little Civic. Yes, the Civic will be moving on. I love that car, and actually was a bit teary as we drove it to the dealership (where we found out they'd give us basically nothing for it). That car has 175,000 miles, and still runs like a gem. It's been wrecked 3-4 times (depending on if you ask Jason or me), driven over about a third of the country, several times, and was the first car we bought together. After 11 years, it's time to cut the cord and move up a bit.

Marriage and Snuggles

It was a fun weekend with the girls. I've got some great stories from both of them.

So some background before beginning the first. When I was pregnant with Sadie, Katie had tons of questions. Somehow, in explaining them, wires got crossed and she began to tell us that you had to get married to have a baby. Now I've never told her that, as I'm perfectly fine with non-traditional means of baby having/rearing, as long as the baby is in a healthy, loving relationship. I didn't want to explain to my four-year old how babies REALLY come about, nor my political/social views of proper baby-making and family rearing, so I just let it slide. This has come back to haunt me.

On Saturday morning I was bathing Sadie, who now requires multiple baths a day thanks to "solid" foods. Katie was helping me, as she loves to do. Sadie has this baby bath tub that on one side allows her to sit up, and the other side to lounge. She was sitting up on the "big baby" side, and Katie looked at me very seriously and said, "Mommy, you should get married again so that we can have a baby boy on this end."

Ummm. Yeah. Moving on...

At Sadie's 6 month appointment this week she hit the 50th percentile for everything except height, where she's in the 60th. Pretty darn amazing for a child who spent the first month of her life more or less comatose.

I have spent the last 6 months agonizing over when and if she would ever really connect with me. Up until the last week or so, she's loved everyone pretty much the same, showing no real bond. It's been tearing me up, but I try to play along, knowing that after all, it is common for a "normal" infant to do the same. Then, all of a sudden this week - magic. I got to snuggle, and I get "hugs". She waves bye bye and gets super excited when I walk in the room. Three nights this week I was able to get her down without having her scream herself to sleep. This is HUGE. It had never happened one night, let alone 3 in a row. Tonight, as I danced around the room with her trying to get a 4th night free of screaming (didn't happen), I realized that, while the doctors said months ago that Sadie was normal, she was not. Our lives were not. Finally, at long last, I can see an end to our long battles. As I snuggled my face in her hair and felt her heave one of her last give up sighs for the night I realized that I am probably the happiest mommy in the world at the moment. Two beautiful, healthy and happy girls. There's nothing better I could dream of.

C'mon Barbie, Let's go Potty (oh, oh, o-oh)

Katie's latest big thing is karaoke dance parties hosted by DJ Daddy. She begs for them every night. He's hooked her up with some fun dance tunes, and she belts it out. Last night after I put Sadie to bed I could hear the banging upstairs as Katie danced around and sang her current favorites, which include "Video Killed the Radio Star" and a punk cover of Scooby Doo. She then broke into another one that's big in her books, and I could hear her cute little voice carrying down the stairs... "I'm a Barbie Girl, in a Barbie Wo-orld. It's bandlastic, I'm so exstatic. You can brush my hair and throw it every-whe-ere.. (mumble, muble)... COME ON BARBIE LET'S GO POTTY!"

I'm actually glad she's young enough not to get the implications of all the words, or to know what they are. I think I'll leave that one alone for a while.

Oh, and another fun thing I learned this week. Vonage Sucks. Do not even bother. There's a reason they're so cheap. I signed up for it last week, thinking it would be great, since we barely use our landline anymore. Turns out that it doesn't work with our security system, which they were supposed to tell us to start out with. I'm in a 3-year contract with Vector, so there's no way I'm paying them fines to drop it. So I called Vonage to cancel. They want me to send bacck the equipment they sent on MY dollar, and won't refund the payment I put down. Vonage = Poo in by book today.

Also equalling poo is Anthem and the UVA health system billing. I just got a new bill for a new ungodly amount that they "forgot" to bill me earlier. So now I'm back in full fight mode on medical bills. Will it ever end? I do not heart Anthem. Not one bit.

Herding Cats

Ever been on a preschool field trip? If not, I don't recommend trying it. Katie's class took off to the science museum today, and by the end of it, I was ready for a really stiff drink (this was at noon). It's bad enough trying to coordinate the efforts of preschoolers to do anything, but then to have a teacher who has no clue how to handle children in public places... total nightmare.

It started off by children wandering throughout the "holding area" of the museum. They ran, jumped, slid, slithered and hopped about, waiting for the fun to begin. As I don't know many of the parents, I didn't say anything, just observed. Then we went to the IMAX where the lights were all turned out so that the kids could watch a movie about stars. GREAT idea for preschoolers. Katie lead the crowd in the wailing that soon ensued.

After seeing one of Katie's classmates walking with a group of adults I did not recognize, I finally hit the roof and cornered Katie's teacher and insisted that she create a "buddy" system with the parents and kids so that no one got forgotten/lost/kidnapped. I mean, seriously, this is not rocket science. If Katie weren't learning by leaps and bounds daily, I would have dropped her enrollment right then and there. Lesson learned - never let Katie go on a field trip with this class unless I'm there. Also, avoid all field trips until she turns about 12.

In other fun news over the past week or two, my "office manager" Becky resigned last week. Her last day is Friday, so I'm stressing a bit. Kerinda (my sister) is going to take her place and work for me, which should be interesting. I know Kerinda will do a great job, I just worry about the business interractions of hiring my baby sister, especially since I actually WILL be the "boss of her" for a change.

I also hired a part-time editorial assistant who is wonderful and a quick learner. The only problem is that she's all of 23 or so. We were talking about music last week, and she told me she liked "the old 90's alternative stuff... like Soundgarden and Pearl Jam." Ahem. Excuse me. Barely a decade has past since it came out. That is NOT old!!! Sheesh. She's also a sweet, bubbly, happy, single, no-kids type. It just makes me cringe.

It's great to have a fresh start to the office, though, and I hope that in a couple of months I can get my association management company certified. Which will lead to another full-time client, I hope. It would be great to have an actual office and a couple more staff on board by next year. I'm finally comfortable and ready to make the business grow, but want to hold out until Sadie's a bit older. I figure that by 2 1/2, if Sadie's anything like Katie, she'll be ready for preschool part time. Hopefully by then, if we're still at this preschool, the basic principles of safety in public places will be mastered.

Six Months Today!

Happy 1/2 birthday, Sadie!

It's hard to believe that six months have passed since you blessed our lives with your presence. You bring so much joy into my life, and to everyone you meet. We are so lucky to have you with us, and we love you!

Poo and the Fries

Let me preface this story by saying Katie isn't potty trained. Yes, I know. She's 4 and a 1/2. Yes, I've tried positive reinforcement. Yes, we've done the sticker charts. And wearing panties no matter what. And going sans any type of bottom covering, hoping that it forces her to go. Yes, I've taken away priveleges, too. We've also bribed, punished, ignored, cried, plead... nothing works with her. She has chronic constipation issues, which the pediatricians and GIs say is completely normal, and as such is on major laxatives, which leads to problems with control. This being said, she knows when she's going and refuses to use the potty. We'll go for a few weeks where she tries very hard and willingly goes. Then one morning she wakes up and will have nothing to do with it. It becomes a major battle of wills, which we try to avoid because we know she's stubborn and hard-headed as heck. As our pediatrician told us, if it comes down to a battle of wills, the kid will win every time. Yep. So, that's the build up for this story.

We went to Katie's Montessori school open house this past week and got to see some of the "work" Katie does and meet some of the parents. Afterward, Jason and I decided it was time to try to go out and eat as a family. We've done this all of once since Sadie's arrival, and it ended in disaster after 15 minutes. We took the kids into Nacho Mama's, I settled in with a good margarita, Sadie fell asleep and Katie behaved and sat all the way through dinner. It was a miracle. Until I looked over and noticed Katie was making a face and looking at her hand. She had put her hand down her pants and had poop on it. Yum. So I grabbed a napkin and wiped it off immediately. About this time Sadie woke up and began to cry. Jason and I decided to make a break for it, and I did the only think I could think of with the napkin of poo - put it in the fries basket that Katie had. It was the only place I could think of that would prevent anyone from picking it up. Jason gave me a look of complete disgust and informed me that he had not finished cleaning up Katie's fries. Needless to say, i don't think any of us will be eating fries any time soon. Gross, but a good sample of the life we lead these days.

Last night I got to go visit Maddie and her parents at the PICU in UVA. She is still fighting, and such a pretty little girl. Yesterday she turned six months old. This week she is scheduled for diaphram surgery in the hopes that it will enable her to get off the ventilator, or at least help her to be able to get onto the heart transplant list, which is her hope for survival. If you're reading this, please take a minute to stop and say a little prayer or send some positive power up for this beautiful baby and her brave parents. Every little bit helps. Like her parents, I'm hoping and praying for a miracle on Tuesday.

We've had more firsts this week that are exciting to report. Katie wrote her name for the first time! And, Sadie had her first cookie. She's addicted to them now, and I love it. I can stick her in the high chair with one of her biter biscuits and actually get through the dishes before she cries. Onward and upward!!

Ahhh, love...

We were at a b-day party today, and I overheard the following conversation:

"Do you have a boyfriend?" a little girl asked Katie.
"Sure, I have lots of them."
The little girl asked her something I couldn't hear, and then Katie replied,
"yeah, there's Theo. He is nice and has blue eyes. And Jacob likes me, but I don't know why he calls me Katie-cootie."
(pondering silence followed by...)
"oh yeah, and Alexander thinks he loves me. He tries to hold my hand and kiss me. It's sticky, but I kinda love him too."

For those of you who know the Mentons, you won't be surprised to know that the Alexander Katie was referring to is their son. Time for her daddy to invest in shotguns.

Sitting pretty

I can't believe how time flies. Sadie is sitting on her own. It just started yesterday. She won't get into sitting position on her own yet (of course), but still, this is big excitement in our household. Katie is thrilled at the potential of having someone to play with in the near future, and I'm beginning to panic to even think about all the babyproofing that has to be done. There are Polly Pocket shoes embedded in the carpet that must come up immediately. Sadie's also started solids, and hasn't found a food she doesn't like that.

Katie is all of a sudden almost a teenager. What is up with that? One day she's drooling, the next she's telling me that although she was holding one boys hand after the circus (he tried to kiss her throughout, but she held out on him), she really likes his brother because he's cute and quiet. Then she did a flip-flop on me later that night and said that since the older brother didn't try to kiss her, she "loved" the younger one.

Medical issues for the week (because I know you care): Katie has a bladder infection. Sadie has an ear infection. Sadie's reflux has also gotten crazy the last few days, but it may be because she's on antibiotics (I hope). Good times. But honestly, I can't complain.

On a very different front, our friends Jeff and Kathy are still in the PICU with their daughter, Madison. Maddie was born a day before Sadie, and we met them on the PICU floor. Like Sadie, Maddie had a heart condition that was not detected before birth. However, unlike Sadie, there is no fix for Maddie's heart, only measures to assist her over time. She has Hypoplastic Left Heart Syndrome, which means one side of her heart is not developed completely. She underwent two open heart surgeries thus far, and now her family is waiting to see if she can get on the heart transplant list. She's also got to have another surgery to fix a problem with her diaphram that occurred when a nerve was damaged last week in surgery. I went to see her and her family yesterday, and she's one of the most beautiful babies I've ever seen. Jeff and Kathy are such strong people - I admire how well they are handling such a tough situation. Please keep Maddie in your prayers/mediatations/thoughts. It all has been a big reminder for me of how fragile life is, not just for this beautiful little girl, but for each of us.

Breastfeeding at 32,000 feet

Sooo... went to Portland last week on a business trip, and I had to take Sadie with me, since she's not weaned and refuses a bottle (still). I convinced mom to go along with me to serve as a nanny (didn't take much arm twisting there), and on Sunday we loaded up 4 large suitcases, 3 carry ons and a travel system and headed to the airport for a day of fun. Upon arrival, we were informed that our flight was cancelled, and that we'd have an extra hour at the airport to get on the next flight on another carrier. We grabbed a bite to eat and headed to security (extra fun, seeing as I had 2 laptops, an LCD projector, two 3-1-1 baggies, a baby, a stroller system, etc.) only to be informed that we had been flagged for a super secret search since our flight carrier had been changed. Sweet.

After disrobing the majority of our clothes, waking the sleeping baby, having the stroller torn apart and having my diaper bag completely rearranged, we took off at a steady trot to barely catch the plane in time. We took a short flight to Atlanta, then switched to another plane to Portland. Talk about a long trip. Sadie totally surprised me on the way out, though, and was a trooper. She slept most of the time, nursed well and didn't fuss the entire way. We had an extra seat to put her carseat in so that I didn't have to hold her, which made all the difference. The plane we were on was decked out - had touch-sensitive LCD screens on the back of the seats and you could even play trivia against other passengers, which was a first for me. We arrived in Portland at 1:00 a.m. (yes, that's PST) and I was thrilled by my 4 am wake up call from Sadie the next day. I wanted to try to stick to her East Coast schedule we'd been working on developing in the last few weeks, though, so 4 am could not be negotiated.

By the end of the week, I was completely exhausted. I'm used to travelling alone (meaning sans children) on business trips, and it was tough to have a long day of meetings while trying to slip out unnoticed to nurse, conclude the day by going into full mommy mode and get up in the morning hours before my first meeting would start. Not recommended. I've got to get Sadie to take a bottle or sippy cup before August (my next scheduled trip), no doubt.

All this said, the trip itself was great. My client, the Consumer Trends Forum International (Website under construction. Don't let the site dissuade you that it is actually a legitimate organization.) had a really good meeting. I had left feeling unsure about my future with them - I currently provide their management services and serve as Executive Director, and have had a tough 6 months as they were very disorganized and lacked direction. Before the meeting I'd spent hours of unpaid time working on a strategic direction document for the meeting, and I was unsure as to how it would be received. Turns out that they were on the same page as me, and willing to make the changes I felt were necessary if the organization was to survive. The Forum they put on was excellent - I enjoyed the speakers (at least the ones I heard) and found a lot of the information provided to be relevent even to my small business. I also found out about Pandora.com and have already become addicted to it. Anyway, I left the meeting feeling that the membership had been empowered, the board was on the right track, and we even managed to diversify the board a bit by adding three new members, which had been a goal. I'm excited to see where we can go with this client.

Enough of work... back to the business at hand - travel with an infant. So, the flight back was not at all like the flights there. We were on United, and compared to Delta, I have to say, they really suck. I've been flying United a lot lately, due to the miles I can save up, but I'm switching as of Friday. It's not worth a free trip with them, and I'd rather pay $20 more and have a comfortable and friendly flight. The flight home was crowded, but not full - but they didn't offer to move me to another seat so that I could put Sadie's car seat in. So Mom and I took turns holding her. For 5 hours. In a row with three people. I was in the middle, sandwiched between mom and a very large man. The guy in front of me reclined his seat the minute we took off, which happened to coincide with the beginning of Sadie's wails, so I had about 9 inches of operating space in which to manuever Sadie on my lap. And she wanted to eat. Several times. Breast. Not sweet potatoes (her favorite) or cereal. As the guy beside me tried to keep to himself, I tried to modestly arrange myself without drawing too much attention (quite a feat considering the size of my mongo-breasts at the moment). Of course we were near the back, and there was only one restroom in coach, so everyone was lined up next to our seats to catch a glimps of my show most of the trip. Sweeeet!! Sadie cried for a couple hours of the trip, which was also fun.

So, that's the fun that was here. I came back home to a very sad Katie who informed me she'd been "worried sick about mommy and Sadie." She's gotten even worse in the bathroom department, and had lots of accidents at school, which have lead to a new UTI. So, to the doctor we a-go tomorrow. Katie's terrified of having the doctors look at her "bottom" (rightly so after all the prodding and testing she's had in the past few months) so I've got to figure out some way of consoling her and keeping her calm. She's also acting like a holy terror, which, combined with Sadie's new breakthrough of teeth (two are coming in) and my exhaustion, has made for a VERY happy weekend in our home. The animals have both gone into hiding, and I think that, if Jason could figure out where they were, he'd join them. I'm sure it's all preparation for him - for the day that both girls are teens and we all PMS at the same time. It'll be grand.

Back to life

Well, things are slowly returning to "normal" around here, whatever that may be. Sadie is doing well now (minus the rotavirus last week and a cold this week), and is basically a normal baby. In fact, next week she's going with me to Portland for a business trip. She's still nursing and I can't seem to get her to want to take a bottle, so I'm taking her and Mom with me.

The days have gotten much easier - Sadie no longer cries for hours at a time, and the colicky evenings are starting to subside. The booger still won't sleep through the night, but she's keeping the wakeup calls to 1-2 per night now, which isn't too shabby in comparison to the past few months. She's starting to "talk" just this past week, and has been practicing saying "mama" in the cutest way ever. She doesn't associate the word with me yet, of course, but it's still one of the best sounds I've ever heard. I've started giving her cereal now, which she prefers to wear rather than eat. Next week she'll be five months old, which is hard to believe. Last week she weighed 14 lbs 5 ozs.

So, with all this good news about Sadie, it's hard for me to understand why I'm now feeling so exhausted and anxious about life in general. I guess I've been running on automatic all these months, and only now is the real impact of what has happened in our family really hit. And man, is it hitting hard. I find myself laying in bed quite a bit, replaying all the scenes from the PICU as I try to fall asleep at night. Last night, for example, I was remembering the first day I was in the PICU with Sadie. I was alone with one nurse, when all of a sudden Sadie's stats plummeted. I sat in the corner, hugging my knees (I was still weak from the whole childbirth process less than 24 hours before that) and watched as the nurse ran out into the hall, frantically pressing the "button" (emergency crash call) and yelling that she needed help. The doctors came running in, and it must have been 5-7 of them surrounding the isolette, working on her. It was scary then, and I knew what could happen, but only last night did it really hit me that I was literally watching her teeter at the edge of death. I saw her life being saved by total strangers, and they weren't even sure if what they were doing would work. I remember them discussing what possible things they could do since they had pumped her with all the drugs they could at the time. (They ended up doing a transfusion and raising her epinephrine drip to the highest dosage possible in order to get her heart pumping.)

It probably wouldn't make much sense to anyone reading this, but in a sense, I feel like I was living outside of it all, watching myself respond as needed - calm and collected. All the while caccooned within me was the helpless woman crying for her baby. And it's like all of a sudden, that woman has decided to surface. I didn't need her then, and I don't want her now that things are clear, but I guess I just kind of repressed it all and now my brain is playing catch-up. I know it's probably normal, but it's not any fun to deal with, all the same. I have always prided myself in being able to control my emotions. Now I can hardly bear to take Sadie to get her shots and I find myself panicking if I think she's in any pain. Like last week, when she started vomiting and couldn't stop for an hour or so... it was everything in me not to rush out to the ER. And I still find myself waiting for the "other shoe to fall" and for things to unravel again.

Thankfully, Sadie's pediatric group is very understanding, and they put up with my frequent calls for any ailment with her. They have gone the extra mile in doing blood work and cultures to make sure the virus she had last week was only a virus and nothing more seriuos. They leave no stone unturned, which I'm more grateful for than I can express. I feel like a bit of a loony-bin every time I take her in, but they never roll their eyes and take every symptom very seriously. One of the nurses there even called me yesterday to see how I was doing, since I'd broken into tears last week after they finally got an IV line into Sadie after trying for 10 minutes to hit a vein. Big props go to Richmond Pediatrics - I'd recommend them to everyone!

Since I'm having a pity-party tonight, I might as well go ahead and admit the biggest thing that has plagued me in recent weeks. I feel jipped. There, I admit it. I feel like I lost out on the first month of happy memories, that the whole "magic" of birth was stolen from me, and just generally that I missed out on a big chunk of fun those first few months. I feel incredibly selfish and completely ungrateful for even thinking or feeling that way, but I can't help myself. I know I should be just be thankful that Sadie made it, that I have her cries to wake me at night, that I have a mostly normal baby now. And I am. But some part of me is still bitter, and the more I ignore it, the more it rears its ugly head. I feel even more guilty of these feelings when I talk to some friends who are still at the hospital with their little girl, only a day older than Sadie, who is facing yet another surgery and will never be able to be "fixed" in the way that Sadie was. It's like a vicious cycle - anger, guilt, sadness... You know, in just writing that down, it dawns on me that those are some of the stages of grief. Maybe I'm, in some wierd way, grieving the time that was lost through the ordeal. Or, maybe I'm just hitting those baby blues that everyone warns about. Who knows. You know me. I love to over-analyze.

Anyway, I needed to vent. I'm having a bit of a tough time right now and generally feeling overwhelmed with the "new" emotions surfacing, not to mention the everyday circus-style balancing act I'm trying to perform in being both a stay-at-home mom and a full-time business owner. The two really don't go well together, but there's no way I can compromise either "job." My typical day begins with an early wake up call from Sadie around 5:30 or 6, is followed by a blend of work and kids throughout the day and goes until after I get the girls to bed at night, work 4-5 more hours, and then hit the bed somewhere between 1 and 2 am (to be awoken within an hour or so to feed Sadie her early-early-morning snack). Repeat daily. I guess that, more than anything, I'm hitting a wall of exhaustion after living for months off of adreneline and strong coffee.

Side note. I realize I didn't mention Katie - she's doing fabulous for the most part lately. She loves that her sister is now more "playable" (her words, not mine) and that she can do stuff with her. She went on a shopping spree with me yesterday and picked out all her own stuff, and I have to say, she has a pretty decent sense of style for a 4-year old. The girl knows her shoes, that's for sure. Her vocabulary is ridiculous - yesterday she told me that she needed some "inspiration" for the painting we had been working on together. She also recently told me she likes "deligous" trees (for the longest time I thought she was telling me they were church-going until she explained that she liked them for their "beautiness" because their leaves change colors and then she can jump in them). She likes to figure out what kind of "hoofprints" animals leave when they walk in mud or clay, enjoys a stimulating "conver-station" with her Daddy and loves to play "hims" video games whenever she is allowed to. Her best stories are often orated while she sits on the toilet and forces me to stay in there with her so she can tell me all of these exciting things.

4 Months Old! (and photo update)

Katie on the Teacups at DisneyWorld over Thanksgiving. Her expression says it all!

Still lovin' bath time!

Last week - Sadie at 4 months.

Katie and Sadie's Christmas Picture

Sadie is now 4 months old! It amazes me that it's been that long since she entered this world. Our family's whole life has flipped upside down, and we're only now putting the pieces back together. I'm thrilled she's 4 months now, but part of me is sad, because I feel like I missed out on the whole infant stage with her. So much time was spent in the hospital with her comatose, or "fighting" to keep her calm and happy, that there are very few of those "magical" moments that I can look back and reflect on. That being said, she's growing and changing every day, and now the fun is really starting!

Sadie's a typical 4 month old - she smiles, occassionally laughs, grabs things, and just tried some rice cereal last night for the first time. She's growing by leaps and bounds, and has become much happier than she was in the early days. She still has quite a temper, though, and we tread lightly, trying to keep her pacified.

Katie is doing well with her ongoing Big Sister role - she is very protective of Sadie, but loves to show her off to her friends. She's back in preschool five days a week now, and it's making a huge difference in behavior. I think she was going as nuts as I was with all the crying.

Who's been reading?

In just the last few weeks, I've had a remarkable number of people tell me they read or are still keeping up with the blog, and with the girls... I've been amazed at just who logs in to follow along! When writing in the early days, I thought that there were maybe a couple of dozen people who logged in - since then I've heard from so many from around the world - friends, family, friends of friends, families that have been through or are going through similar situations... I can not thank all of you enough for your love and support!!

As things are now starting to settle down a bit, I'm trying to get caught up on putting some things together for Sadie's baby book/scrap books that I hope to one day have the time to work on. I know that some day, most likely in her teen years, she's going to have questions about her scars, and, while I hope she never does, she may even feel embarrassed or ashamed of them. I want to be able to have something tangible to show her how special and amazing she is. For part of it, I would like your help.

I think I've finally fixed the "comments" section now - I'm on a new version of Blogger, and the bugs seem to be worked out a bit better. If you wouldn't mind - just drop a line, and let Sadie know you've been rooting for her. Or, drop me an email at kthies@vt.edu. I'll compile all of the comments into the book I'm making for her, which will also include this blog. Feel free to send photos, too - it would be nice to have pictures with the comments!

Now, on to Sadie - she had her monthly Synagis (I have no clue how it's spelled, but it's an RSV immunization) shot today, and got weighed - she's now up to 12 lbs 14 ozs! That means she put on a pound and 13 ounces in one month. She is becoming more alert and active by the day, and wants to be entertained ALL the time. She got some new toys to chew on/play with from Santa and has been busy with them the last few days. She's rolling from back to tummy now, but gets really ticked once she's on her belly. The doctors tell me to do tummy time with her as much as possible, just like a normal baby, but to be honest, I don't. I've gotten to where I know her cries a little better, and she really has a hurt cry and is upset for several hours after being flat on her stomach - I think she's still sore, no matter what they say. Anyway, she's holding her head up well, and can sit up on her own with very little support. I can't believe how alert she is - it's like that first month that she was in a comatose state never happened.

Katie is another story. She's in the full throws of being misplaced from her previous position of "center of mommy's universe." Now that she has to share the spotlight, she's been reverting to baby behavior and driving me absolutely insane. I miss my independent "big" girl who would entertain herself from time to time, talk like a normal 4 year old, etc.. Now that she's got competition she wants my attention every waking moment. I know, I know, it's normal, every big brother/sister goes through it, but I was totally unprepared all the same. Some days I just want to scream if I hear "mommy, mommy, mommy, mommy" one more time (she loves this mantra, and will keep it up for hours at a time. She doesn't want anything, just likes the noise and the negative attention she gets from me.) I love her to death, and I'm trying to figure out how to best handle the regression issues, but my God, how much longer will this last? Seriously?!

A friend gave me this book called "The Three Martini Playdate" and I highly recommend reading it. After what I've been feeling about my life as "mommy who can't get out much because her baby cries in a way that everyone in the supermarket thinks she's beating her to death and who's toddler is asking "why can't I have __?" nonstop," it was a refreshing read, to say the least. At least I know I'm not alone...

Sadie's first Christmas

The morning began as it does for most moms of preschoolers on Christmas - with Katie running at breakneck speed into my room at an ungodly hour and shouting that Santa had arrived. This was by far the most fun Christmas morning we've ever had. Sadie enjoyed watching us opening gifts for her, Katie was on cloud 9 and I was close to tears all day, just thankful that our family was together, and missing those that we lost over the past year.

The one that is most closely on my mind today is our beloved Nana, who passed away last January. She is Sadie's namesake, and was one of the most loving people I have ever had the pleasure to know. Since I haven't had the time to add the story of how Sadie got her name, now is probably a good time, since we're all missing Nana so much today.

Sadie Esther Blanton was a strong-willed woman, and the matriach of my husband's family. She had many things she loved - her family, a good game of Rook, the church she went to most of her life, good food, and, most of all, babies. When Jason and I found out we were pregnant with Katie, she was the first person we told. When we found out we were pregnant with Sadie, however, it was a different circumstance.

Last year, Nana was 96 years old, and her health began to deteriorate in the fall. By Christmas, we knew her time was close at hand, and the entire family - even very extended ones - was there by her side for Christmas. Despite her failing health, it was one of the happiest I have ever known. Nana enjoyed watching the children playing, and loved having the family all together in one place. I did not know at that time that I was pregnant, but Jason and I had been hoping for another child.

Several short weeks later, I confirmed that I was pregnant. I went to the doctor to make sure everything was ok, but they could not confirm the pregnancy through ultrasound. A week later, things still looked grim. I had had a miscarriage that began similarily several years before, and the doctor told me to prepare myself - that this one looked like another miscarriage. I was heartbroken, and so was Jason. It was hard enough watching Nana struggle through the end stages of life without having to deal with a second loss at the same time. We chose not to tell the family of the pregnancy, as it would be just too much to deal with.


Several days before Nana passed away, she could barely talk anymore. She said very little to anyone. I had gone to the doctors office for my third ultrasound, which confirmed the pregnancy, but did not show the growth rate we had hoped for. After coming home from the appointment, I got the call from Jason's mother that Nana was failing fast, and that we should come soon if we wanted to see her again. I was devestated by it all, and just could not deal with going to Nana's side at that time. So Jason went without me.

When Jason arrived, he went to Nana's side. In the background, his mom was talking to his aunt and uncle, about this wierd thing Nana had been saying all day - "Tell the Grandson, name the baby." No one knew what it was about. We had not told a single soul that we were pregnant. But Nana knew somehow. Jason talked to her, and she responded with some of her last words - "I love you so." Jason left the room, overwhelmed with emotion. His mom followed him, trying to comfort him - telling him Nana had lead a full and happy life, and was ready to go. "No mom," he said, "you don't understand. Kim is pregnant, and we thought she was likely going to have a miscarriage, so we hadn't told anyone."

Two days later I went with him to visit Nana for the last time. She could not speak, and could barely respond, but her eyes still had that twinkle I so loved about her. As I talked to her about the baby, I said, "Nana, you knew about this baby, didn't you?" and her eyes smiled and she raised her eyebrows a few times. So I started trying to come up with names for the baby, and told her that we would try to use a family name. I even mentioned Sadie, which I could see her laughing at internally.

Just before Nana passed, we were able to confirm the pregnancy, and got the good results we knew we'd receive. The months passed, and we were all calm and happy - the family was thrilled at the prospect of a new baby. We had been plagued by so much loss - Jason's brother, cousin, grandmother and uncle all passed away within a short span of time. We could not wait to celebrate new life.

Jason and I could not agree on a name for the new baby, though. We racked our minds, scoured countless baby books, but just could not find the right fit. I think we both felt a little pressure - Nana had specifically talked about a name for the baby. We wanted something she would have liked. On the night of Sadie's birth, we still had not agreed on a name. Just that morning we had started to throw around Madeline Sadie, and were thinking of calling her Maddie. We knew that we wanted to have Sadie as part of her name, no matter what - in honor of Nana. But I knew that we'd constantly mix up Sadie and Katie... so we thought perhaps Madeline would be a better name. But when we found out that Sadie had some health issues, we knew that we would go with Sadie - after all, Nana lived a long, wonderful life.

When the devestating news of the severity of Sadie's heart defect sank in the evening after I gave birth, my heart cried out, and I just couldn't understand why Nana would have given us "the sign that everything was ok," as I had come to think of her prophetic words. As I cried that night, it slowly dawned on me. Nana gave us an invaluable gift - the gift of hope. Through all of the days that would come, her words sustained me. I just knew Sadie would be alright, and that Nana was watching over her.

On the night before Sadie's surgery, that hope and faith, I admit, were shaky at best. I can't tell you the fear that was in my heart, or explain the anxiety that a parent in that situation faces. Sadie had this wonderful nurse that evening, though. She told me that she felt bad that there was nothing she could offer me, but she said she could give a prayer for Sadie. Now, I am not a religious person, as most of you know, but I do know that there is power in prayer and meditation and my heart was crying out that evening. This nurse was so sweet, and wanted to help, and so I said yes, and we placed our hands on Sadie and she said the most beautiful prayer. I can't recall the words today, but it was a plea for peace for our family, for healing for Sadie and in it she said, "we know that you did not bring Sadie here for disaster, but that you brought her here to fulfill a purpose." Those words brought to me a peace that I can not describe, and soothed my aching soul. It reminded me of what, I think, Nana had been trying to convey with the limited breath she had left on her deathbed. That Sadie was brought to us for a purpose, and that she was going to make it.

So, this Christmas has been a bittersweet one. We are so thrilled with Sadie's progress, and that she is here, at home with us today. We are thankful for our family and friends who have surrounded us with love, and lifted us up when we felt like the world was crumbling beneath our feet. We are grateful and amazed by the love that has been poured out to our family over the past several months - from our family, friends, friends of friends, and the total strangers who became our friends or whome we have yet to meet, but who have been praying, meditating or thinking of Sadie. And, most of all, we are remembering Nana, who for the first time in 12 years I did not spend Christmas with (and likely the first time in Jason's life). We are so happy that she was able to be such a large part of our lives, and thankful for the wonderful gift of hope and the legacy she left behind.

With this, I'll close this overly sentimental Christmas blog and return to my favorite role - Mommy of two. If anyone has suggestions on how to remove ground in candy canes from berber, please let me know. In the meantime, I will vacuum up tiny parts of dolls that Katie will cry over when she discovers they're missing tomorrow and try to make a path through the main areas so that no one steps on a scooter or noisy animatronics animal on the way to the restroom in the middle of the night. When I finally fall into bed, Sadie should wake up within 15 minutes of my dozing off, requiring immediate attention. And I will happily oblige - she is, after all, my little miracle - my own personal little Christmas angel.

Merry Christmas!!!

Sidenote:
I do NOT recommend the Rescue Pet toy dog. If you got one for a kid, and he/she has not yet taken it from the package, destroy it before said child wakes up and has a chance to play with it. The dogs are actually torture devices. All they do is whine and bark. Incessently. In fact, they have two modes on their control box. Whine or bark (the modes are marked "happy" and "sad"). Worst of all, it's got a motion sensor. With the slightest motion in a 10 foot radius it will begin to whine. And of course, it does not come with volume control. Thus, your kid will love it. You, however, will want to permenantly disable it within 15 minutes or less. The only suitable time to give a Rescue Pet is if, for some unknown reason, you are required to give a gift to the child of a mortal enemy. Otherwise, skip it. You'll thank me later.

Ho, Ho, Ho...

I'm happy to report that we really don't have much news around here for a change! Sadie is doing wonderfully. Last night we took her out to dinner with us, and, as usual, everyone who saw her had to come up and comment on how cute she is. Jason said to me at one point that it's amazing that none of them would even know that anything had ever been wrong with her.

Sadie's scar is continuing to heal, and it looks really good. I think that by this time next year it will be barely noticeable. I hope so! It's the only thing that really remains as a daily reminder of what we have been through these past few months. I guess the positive thing about it is that, when I have a long day with her and feel like I'm going to loose it, it is always there to remind me of just how lucky I am to have her, and it puts everything back into perspective for me.

We're finally getting ready for Christmas around here, and Katie is about to turn herself inside out with excitement. From the moment she wakes until we can finally get her down at night she chatters on and on about all things Christmas. We finally got a tree last week (a total Charlie Brown deal that is covering my carpet with a blanket of needles, but a tree, none-the-less) and Katie rearranges the ornaments every morning. Most of the time they all end up on one branch near the bottom, which does nothing to help the overall appearance of the tree.

Sadie is completely off of the methadone, and has done well with the wean. It's been almost four weeks now, so I think it's safe to say that that chapter of our lives is finally overwith - yay! She no longer cries for hours at a time, and is responding to us very well. She still cries a LOT - don't get me wrong (I think it's safe to say much more so than the average baby), but at least now we can console her. I still have to stay away from dairy, or it will do a real number on her system... I hope she outgrows the milk intolerance. While I was on a business trip recently she had to have formula near the end, and the milk-based lactose-free stuff really messed up her system for three days. It has to be soy-based if we use it anymore. So, I'm learning how to adjust my diet. But man, do I miss cheese.

As far as development, I think Sadie is pretty much on target. She smiles socially now - her daddy can make her smile at the drop of a pin. She is reaching and grabbing for things and has discovered her toes in the past week or so. She loves them. Her favorite thing to do is to hang out on the changing table with no diaper - she sings and coos, kicks and smiles up a storm. And she loves to splash in her bath. I think she's probably up to 12.5 lbs now, is 22.5 inches, and is getting some cute little rolls of fat on her thighs and tummy. In fact, I noticed yesterday that she finally has dimples on her elbows and hands (my favorite thing about babies are fat dimples). She does well following objects and is discovering how to put things in her mouth. I think she may already be beginning to teeth, though, because she's drooling up a storm, cranky and biting everything she can get in her mouth (including me - ouch!). She constantly is shoving her hands into her mouth, so I'm even more vigilent with the Purex when we're out with her - especially since strangers seem drawn to touch baby hands without asking. She is cute, I can see why they do it, but I still have to be careful with her in regards to germs and such. A slight cold could be very serious for her still.

So, that is where things are here. We're all gearing up for Christmas and looking forward to a New Year more than ever. If I don't get a chance to post before then, I wish all of you a very Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!

First time away...

I just got home from a business trip - my first time away from Sadie. It was so hard to leave her, but so nice to sleep for more than 4 hours at a time. I'm very happy to be home, though.

We're back to a lot of crying again, and trying to figure out the cause, or if it's just colic. She's acting like she's teething, but I don't see any tooth buds or feel anything in there. She's drooling a ton, still gassy as heck, and now having constipation issues. I guess it's time to call the GI to make sure there's nothing else going on.

We've now gone 2 weeks without methadone, and she's become so much more alert and interactive. It's great! Now if she'd just quit crying! :)

Our first really good week!

I haven't been posting as much lately, and it's great to say that I really don't have too much to report for a change!

This week was chock full of doctors appointments for the girls. Sadie had to have a few shots on Monday. They give her a special booster called Synagis (for the bargain price of $100/shot AFTER insurance) every month to help protect her from RSV (a respiratory virus). Plus she had to update her HepB shots, since we were behind due to her prolonged hospital stay. And a blood screening was done since the one that was done in the hospital was invalid because she'd recently received a transfusion. So she was pretty cranky the following day, but is now up-to-date and where she should be for an almost 3-month old. Yay!

Katie had to do a VCUG and sonagram this week to make sure that her recent urinary tract infections weren't due to reflux of the urine, problems with her kidneys, etc. The tests were awful and she was scared to death. They had to do a catheter in, fill her bladder through the catheter with barium and watch it go in and out a couple of times. She's got a serious phobia of hospitals (gee, I wonder why?!) and was shaking like a leaf, but was brave and did very well. I do NOT want to have to watch my girls cry though any more tests. I know they're necessary, but there's been way too many of them, and I'm getting weaker emotionally with each one. It was everything in me not to cry when Katie was looking at me screaming as they put the catheter in. Poor baby. Thankfully everything looks good, so we're in the clear on that one. It was nice to get positive test results for a change.

Thursday was Sadie's cardiologist appointment, and they did an echocardiogram to make sure the anatomy of the heart and blood flow are working ok. The cardiologist (Dr. Albrecht) was wonderful, and Sadie was a perfect angel during the exam. She now weighs 11 lbs 2 ozs, which puts her in the 10th percentile, so they're a little worried about her weight and growth (she's 22.5 inches), but not so much so that anything needs to be done. The cardiologist is following up with Sadie's GI, though, because he wants further follow up regarding the lower esophageal slow motility problem at a sooner date than she had thought was necessary. So we'll see what happens there. She's on Prilosec, and it seems to have helped a lot with the spitup and crankiness, and I've been avoiding all dairy products, which also helps. So I'm not sure why the weight isn't going on as fast as it was last month.

The best news of all is that Sadie has now successfully completed her methadone wean! We took her off last Saturday, and she's made it all week long with very few withdrawal signs. Day 3 was kind of tough, but nothing we hadn't seen before - just a lot of crying, cold sweats, stuff like that. We've got a whole new baby on our hands - she's becoming so much more alert, even tempered (well, as even as I think she'll get - some of this is just personality) and so darn cute I can't stand it. I'll try to post new pictures later this weekend!

Happy thanksgiving!

Well, we made it down to Florida after all, and will be celebrating Thanksgiving with Jason's family today. Tomorrow we are looking forward to a trip to Disneyworld with Katie.

Healthwise, both kids are doing well this week. Katie came down with a nasty cold and fever last Friday when she came home from school, so I rushed her over to the doctor to get her checked for strep, since it was going around preschool. The test was negative, so we decided to bring her down after all. She's finally acting like she feels a bit better today.

Sadie is doing great this week. She's had very few crying spells at all, and is down to 1 dose of the methadone a day. Next week she'll be done with it for good, I hope.

Next week brings about new rounds of doctors visits - Katie has a sonagram and UGI scheduled to check out her GI problems, and Sadie has another round of shots (including synagis) and a checkup with her cardiologist. It was nice to be away this week so that we COULDN'T go to a doctor's office. It was our first week since we've been home!

Happy thanksgiving!

Update of Photos

Our Halloween puppy. I actually sewed together her costume. I haven't sewed in more than a decade, so I was thrilled that I figured out how to do something with the machine.

See - she is happy once in a while!

After her hair gets wet it gets all curly, but it dries stick straight, sticking up all over. You can tell her scars are healing really well in this picture!

My girls. :)

Sorry, this one is sideways. This was taken almost a month ago. I can't believe how time flies.

A quick update

Sadie's Prilosec is helping a lot. She's still crying a ton, but isn't spitting up so much, and is eating like a champ again. I think she gained a pound this week - it sure feels like it.

I can't believe it - we're all the way to Wednesday this week without a dr's visit (knocking on wood as I write the next sentance...). I think we're going to make it all week without stepping foot in a dr's office. This will be the first time in... well, I don't know how long. Since we've been home. Yay. Even though she cries so much, this week has felt a lot better to me. I'm beginning to be able to tune out the crying a bit, and learning to cope better. I'm getting out more, and just try to stick to stores that it doesn't matter if she cries in (e.g. Walmart). Just getting out of the house helps both Katie and I, I think. Katie seems a lot happier this week too. I've been so worried about how grown up acting and sad she's been the last month. I know it's normal and expected in our circumstances, but I miss my bubbly little girl. It was good to see her smiling and laughing more this week. Even her teacher and parents at the preschool noticed that she seems happier.

So the new drama in our family is that Jason's brother just got admitted to the hospital tonight with a new blockage in his GI system. He's been battling colon cancer for a couple of years now, and just finished up chemo. The only choice they have to fix this problem is to operate again. So please keep him in your thoughts/prayers. He's a horrible patient, so keep his nurses in there, too. Anyway, Jas is pretty upset. He as telling me tonight that he feels like everything in he's being hit by so many fronts he just doesn't know what to do. I can relate to that, but I think he's had all he can stand.

We had hoped to go to Florida next week to visit his parents and hit Disneyworld with Katie, but the plans have to be scrapped due to the latest developments with his brother. Not to mention that my sister's boyfriend's mom passed away yesterday, and she's pretty upset. So I need to be here for her, too. The memorial service is this weekend.

It's all good, though. I was dreading the 14 hour trip each way with Sadie. Maybe in January we can try to get down there. I just hate to disappoint Katie - again. She was really excited about it the last two days. Maybe she'll forget? (wishful thinking...)

Good report from GI and Ped Drs

I only have a brief second but wanted to update. Sadie had her GI appt yesterday and not much came of it. The GI dr seems to think that the methadone/long-term use of narcotics is what is affecting the slow motility in her lower esophagus. She's not going to do anything further until Sadie is off the methadone for good. If we don't see signs of improvement once she's weaned again, then she suggested seeing a neurologist combined with a something-scopy (sorry, I forget the name) that is basically a camera down her esophagus. But I"m not going to worry about it for now. For the time being, she's on Pepcid to help with the reflux, and she says we should see some improvement in a few days.

Meanwhile, we're down to two doses a day on the methadone, so I've got a very cranky girl again.

Today was her 2 month check-up, and she's 10 lbs 5 ozs, putting her in the 50th percentile for weight. She's in the 25th percentile for length and head circumference.

That's the update. She's crying a lot tonight - probably from the 4 shots, so no more time to write.