Herding Cats

2011: The Year of Rebirth

2011-12-31T23:42:00.000-05:00

Looking back on 2011, I can see some tremendous strides that our little family has taken. While 2010 was a year of change and pain, 2011 was the rebirth of my soul, our lives and our home. It feels great to look back on the year and see all that was accomplished, and to know all of the pain and loss in 2010 was not in vain. I learned from the loss, have been soothing the hurt and have witnessed my girls blossom as I've never seen before. Here are a few highlights, since I was so woefully absent from blogging this year...

Sadie's Bragging Rights

Speech - Sadie has long suffered from a speech impediment, often making her hard to understand to even our closest family members. This year Sadie conquered the letter sounds "l" and made significant progress with her "r"s.
Kindergarten - Sadie's social skills continue to grow as her speech develops. She's little-miss-know-everyone in the school and her silly personality brightens up almost every path she crosses. It's so hard to believe this funny little girl was once a screaming, drug withdrawn infant.
"Perfect" Heart - well, as close as you can get to one when you've had TGA, at least. This year Dr. Allen took a good look at the ultrasound and declared her heart to be the most perfect TGA switch he's ever seen. She's in fantastic health, so much so that we get to skip next year's cardiology appointment!

Katie's Accomplishments

Social growth - While 2010 was a year of introversion and sadness for Katie, 2011 offered new friends and tons of fun with them. It's heartwarming to walk into stores and have kids come running up to her to say hi. She even has a boy that has a crush on her in her class (she politely turned his "Do you like me" note away and told him they could be friends). She's come so very far post-divorce, and gained an incredible amount of self-confidence this year. I hope we continue to see growth in that area in 2012!
Smarty Pants - she's getting great grades (all A's), and has really grown this fall and into winter with her 3rd grade teacher. Thank goodness for her revitalized love of learning!
Soccer Diva - She's finally found her stride in soccer. While she's not yet the very best kid on the field, she does try very, very hard and is gaining confidence and skill each season.

My Metamorphosis

Career Growth - at phenomenal speeds. I received a double promotion in May at Ironworks Consulting. As much as I loved the firm, I couldn't help but jump when Dominion Digital crossed my path and another bump up the ladder was dangled in front of me. DDIG, as Dominion is affectionately called, has more heart and soul than any other company I've encountered, and I've enjoyed spending the last couple of months reconnecting with my core needs and spending some time evaluating what I want to do when I grow up. The company is in a metamorphosis as well, and I can't feel that I am at the right place, at the right time. Another big change is on the horizon in terms of my career (as soon as within a month or two), and I'm very, very excited and optimistic.
The boyfriend. Yep, I had a boyfriend this year for five months. It was a learning experience, too - learning who I really am, what I really want in a relationship and such. And I figured out that I'm not ready for one quite yet. We had a blast together this summer with our kids and each other, and I rekindled my love for the water and learned how to just sit still and enjoy nature again thanks to him. I'm already planning my summer around how I can get the kids to the water, camping and outdoors more frequently! Anyway, the boyfriend was the first step in reclaiming my romantic life from the ruins left behind by divorce. I left the relationship feeling more confident, happier and healthier than I have in years.
I gained a brother! And there has not been a luckier sister-in-law than I on this earth. I'm thrilled for Kerinda's happiness, and absolutely adore Spencer. He's made my life and the girls lives better and was an amazing source of support this, and the last few, years. Kerinda and Spencer's wedding was amazing, and a fantastic time was had by all.

A few other events shaped (or enlivened) our lives this past year. Highlights include:

The earthquake of 2011, which literally rocked our world here in Richmond.
Hurricane Irene, and our fantastic neighbors we weathered it out with. I heart YellowRose.
The Japanese earthquake, tsunami and flooding, which we all watched with horror and tears.
My final term on the CJSTUF board. I really enjoyed helping to get the nonprofit off the ground in previous years, though I admittedly had little time this year to devote to the charity in 2011 compared to previous years.

And with that long, drawn out post, I close the blog out for 2011. The new year offers so much promise for our family, we can't wait to see what it brings!!

Yet Another Change

2011-10-28T21:13:00.000-05:00

I started a new job on October 12. I'm still figuring out how I feel about it. It's hopefully a very good step forward in my career, but I don't take it lightheartedly. I left a great company behind that I really enjoyed working for.

Without a doubt, I have joined a very "thinking" firm, they seem to be on a different plane of existence. It's what lured me in - the beat of a different drummer than most of the corporate world. But part of me isn't there yet. I miss my old company and friends there. The work really hasn't interested me too much. But I have to give it time.

In the meantime, I'm back to storming. Life got a little bit normal over the summer, and it seems I just can't take too much of that. So, more change, new faces, new places. We'll see how it all pans out.

Birthday Season

2011-09-14T20:50:00.000-05:00

It's hard to believe that my girls are now 5 and (5 days from) 9. Seriously?! They're both into Kids Bop, have outgrown Hannah Montana, and Katie has informed me she's too cool for Barbie and birthday parties now. Sadie had a rock star 5th birthday blowout and is on the fast track to divadom. And I... I'm just trying to keep up with them.

In the last 6 months I feel like our life has finally leveled out and is becoming 'normal' once again. Last year was all about change - family, home and career all changed drastically in a period of 6 months. The aftermath left us all spinning and just trying to hold on.

This year I was determined it would be better, and so far, it is. We have become closer and developed routines to support our new lifestyle; we've made new friends and expanded our support system; and I've learned to better manage long work weeks with family life. Not that it's perfect - it's not, but it's better. I even found time to date someone for a few months this year. It didn't work out, but it was a good first time out of the batting cage with a relationship post-divorce.

I think of birthday season (both girls have birthday season) as my personal 'new year.' School starts again, work generally goes into overdrive, fall hits, signaling my favorite season's start in Virginia. And I get excited, antsy, and tend to make most life changes/decisions in the fall, for some reason. This birthday season is no different - I see some changes coming, but nothing drastic, all good and all positive. Life is getting better and easier, and I'm proud of the progress our little family has made in the past year. I'm hopeful and ready for whatever is next!

Awakening...

2011-02-26T20:00:00.002-05:00

I'm so angry I can't even see straight today. Not only is the ex unemployed for the third year in a row this time of year, but he's informed me he can not pay child support and does not see why he should if he isn't earning an income. Um, well, maybe you should because they are your children, and they still eat whether or not you are gainfully employed.

I may seem cold-hearted to even publically post this, but it's my cheap therapy tonight. I can not take even one more heart-broken phone call home from my girls. I will not continue to convince them that they should go with their dad when they don't want to.

Those of you who know me well know that, despite my outgoing nature, I shrink from conflict. And today was ripe with it. But something inside me finally really broke. It had been hanging by a thread, but I let lose like I've never done before and said exactly what I felt about the situation. I fought back. Sure, it didn't really do any good, but damn it felt great.
During a resulting telephone conversation (read 'fight), the ex told me to take a look in the mirror tonight and see if I'm happy with what I saw. He's always been the master of controlling these situations, of making me feel like less than what I am. He knows my mortal weakness... that I have a poor self image. Let's be honest - I'm overweight, I hate my fine hair, I don't like how I look without makeup.

But you know what? I took him up on his dare - I looked in the mirror. And for the first time in years, I'm not disappointed like I normally am. Call me a nut, but when I looked into my own eyes (yes, true story - sat on my bathroom countertop and looked at myself, right in the eye) I saw a fierce determination, a strength to get through yet another uphill battle and someone who looks much healthier and happier than she has in years.

The ex's move to try to break me even further brought about an unexpected moment of awakening and happiness, and it's unleashed a fury of emotion. I have cried harder than I ever have in the past six months today. I feel like I'm finally able let myself be immersed in the hurt that I'd bottled up for so many years. These tears feel like a sweet relief from the drought of shame over a failed marriage and denial of self.

Nevermore.

Because of James

2011-02-01T21:14:00.000-05:00

A few days ago a friend posted a random article about organ donation on Facebook. It's odd, but the innocent news article triggered a flurry of emotion for me. It reminded me of James.

I know that James had dark hair. I know he had a moustache. I have a picture of him, with his pet German Shepherd. He was from Virginia. And he died too young. I never knew James, and I never will. But James is an integral part of my family and my every day life.

James saved my daughter's life, though. He was an organ donor, and a piece of the body he left behind is now so integrally a part of my daughter's every heart beat that it is, quite literally, the reason she is alive today.

Three Months Later...

2011-01-06T21:29:00.000-05:00

Wow. Three months since I've logged in and written anything. There are many reasons why. But the primary reason is work - I spend all day on the phone and on the computer. The last thing I want to do when I come home is spend more time on there (except when working at home, which I've been doing a lot in the evenings). I love my current role right now, but as all contractors know, the good ones always end too soon. I roll off soon, and while I'm disappointed that I don't get to see this particular project through warranty, I've learned more than I imagined I could about my client and healthcare in general in the last few months. It's been an incredible opportunity. But a ton of work.

So let's see, three months worth of updates in one blog entry. I'll keep it simple and bulleted. It seems that's the only way I write these days anyways...

Katie:

Straight As, perfect behavior at school, my little perfectionist clone. God help her.
Got her first bra. Not that she needed it. She doesn't. But it's her most prized possession. And a Christmas gift from my mom. Which I find ironic since my mom wouldn't let me wear a bra until I was waaaaayyyy past due.
Coping a bit better with the separate households these days, though it's still a struggle for her more so than anyone I think. She wants to be here all the time, yet misses her dailiy interactions with her dad. My heart breaks for her, though on the flip side, I know we are all better off than we were before.
Took violin lessons and rocked at them. Unfortunately, however, she hates practice. And I don't have the time or energy to push her to do so daily. Or drive for an hour for each practice twice a week. And so we're taking a haitus this semester.

Sadie

Funniest 4-year old ever. Ever. The kid keeps me in stitches 24-7. Right now most of her stand-up focuses on potty humor. She does have quite a few other themes, however, the most painful of which is, of course, knock-knocks that end in whatever the subject was and "butt!" A prime example was tonight's bedtime joke (she tells me one each night after stories and snuggles) - "Knock, knock" "who's there?" "unicorn" "unicorn who?" "unicorn butt!".
Has taken to gnashing her teeth at night when she's over tired. Not grinding. Gnashing. If you have never heard someone do this, it has to be the worst sound ever heard by mankind. Now I understand all those biblical verses that talk about the wailing and gnashing of teeth. Um yeah. That's a typical night in my household lately.
Has the cutest way of speaking, but it's more and more apparent that her pallet issues need to be addressed (she has a raised pallat that resulted from intubation as a baby). We're working on r's and g's and l's at home, but we are going to need some help as I'm finding more and more people have a tough time understanding her. It's kind of sad, though. It's so darn cute. But of course I don't want her to speak this way when she's 13. Not as cute then.

Wake. Kids/dogs. Work. Kids/dogs. Work. Sleep. That's basically my life these days. Unless it's a weekend and you double the number of kids running through my home. If you haven't seen or heard from me, it's not that I don't like you any more. I do. I'm just too tired to be a very good friend these days. Or do much besides clean up after the hoards of children running rampant through my home.
The divorce is final and a done deal. My only feeling when it was over was relief. A tinge of sadness, sure, over what might have been, but we all knew that ship sailed long ago, so I'm glad to be moving on with life, officially.
Dating. Ugh. The thing about dating when you're in your 30s and you've been married for over 13 years (would have been 15 in December, but we decided that neither of us really counted the last two... sadly), is that the ENTIRE thing has changed. You have to remember - last time I was a free agent was a brief fleeting moment in my freshman year of college. I had no cell phone yet. I'd just set up my very first email account. Now? Everything is done by text, email. Chivalry and basic dating manners seem to be for the most part extinct. I was shocked when I went on a date the other day and the guy walked me to my car afterward. And then opened my door for me. Then I thought - wait, didn't this used to be the norm?! Ah well. I'm just now settling into my new routines (yes, apparently it takes about a year for me to do so) and actually learning to just breathe, relax and enjoy being single and not having to take care of or worry about anyone beyond my kids. It's selfish, sure, but nice all the same.
My place. So, I rent now. Which I haven't done in years and have a hard time with. I want to change this and that, and it's not mine, so there's no point. I don't even know if I'll renew yet in May given the state of the repairs here. But I love the floorplan and even more so, the neighborhood. The kids and I feel safe, supported, and it's definitely a great community with kids running from door to door. I never fancied myself as a neighborhood type, but at this point in my life, it's perfect. I finally got through all the boxes, divided up all the remaining things that needed to be divided, organized and got rid of carloads of 'stuff' that had accumulated through the years. It feels good to be back to the basics, restarting life and rediscovering the things I'd been skimping on so long. I even started a new canvas over the girls winter break. When I'll find time to finish... who knows, but I'm at peace and content for the first time in many years.

So, that's our life in a nutshell. We keep on skipping down the winding path of life, never quite sure what's around the next bend, but we're definitely enjoying the scenery much more these days. Last year was a tough year - probably the hardest of my life. So much pain, change, loss and grief. But 2011 looks promising and full of hope. I finally am starting to see myself again when I look in the mirror, the girls seem to be fitting into their new lives a little more comfortably and we're going to be OK. Scratch that. We're going to thrive this year. Here's to 2011, and to you, my friends. May it be the best year of your lfie thus far!

Survivor's Guilt

2010-10-12T22:26:00.004-05:00

A few months ago, I met a lovely lady who came to visit my dad in the hospital. A couple months later, I found myself reaching out to her after her son had been diagnosed with Transposition of the Greater Arteries. The same heart defect Sadie has. I tried to think of comforting things to say. Tried to encourage her and avoid mentioning the horrors of surgery. Tried to assure her that the surgery was usually successful (it is).

Tonight, as I watched Sadie sachéing across the floor in her first-ever ballet class, I found myself perplexed by the tears that were in my eyes. When I stopped to think about the emotion inside, it was easy to pinpoint its source. Four years ago I would have never fathomed that she would be the happy, healthy, hilarious little girl she has become. I wouldn't dare dream of it. Four years ago I sat in the hospital and was told she was the sickest TGA baby they had ever seen, that her kidneys may be failing, that it was so, so serious. But Sadie survived. Not only surivived, but thrived. And here she was, tonight, the cutest ballerina in the class in her bright orange tutu. And graceful to boot. How could I keep those happy/sad tears at bay on such a momentous occassion?

And then I looked down and saw the text message. Baby Zachary had passed. Only 10 days old. The same heart defect as Sadie. Our same town. At the very same moment I felt tragically sad, unbelievably grateful and incredibly guilty that my child survived yet another did not. It's hard to put words around. I looked back up at Sadie, beaming at me as she learned to plié, and smiled through the no-longer held in tears. I'm sure the instructor thinks I am insane.

I don't know what to do with myself tonight. So, I'm going to go snuggle and give thanks for my beautiful soccer-playing violinist and the prettiest little ballerina ever. It's the only thing I can think of to do right now. Snuggle and breathe in every moment with them.

This New Life...

2010-10-11T22:54:00.000-05:00

It's hard to believe a whole month has gone by since my last post. Life seems to move at warp speed these days. Being a single mom takes so much more time and effort than I ever imagined! I have a whole new respect for my fellow single moms to say the least.

Since the last post, Katie turned 8. EIGHT!!! It's hard to believe. I celebrated with my usual tear-fest over her baby pictures, wishing I could turn back time, or at least reduce the speed at which it goes by. I'm so very proud of her - she is an awesome kid. So kind and compassionate, an awesome little artist, very determined and very, very strong. I think people who are close to her forget how very strong she is, in fact. She has gone through a ton of change in the past year - the loss of her favorite pet and a favorite uncle. A family split apart, a grandmother with very grave medical conditions, a grandfather who took a near fatal fall, a daddy who isn't around as much, a new school, a mommy who works outside of the home for long hours. That's a LOT of change in a short period of time, and while others think she's not doing well, I think she's doing fantastic. It's ok to cry, it's ok to question and it's ok to be angry - all natural parts of dealing with change. I still worry and fret over what this all does to her self esteem and self worth, but I think she's getting there and accepting more of it all with every passing day.

To celebrate Sadie's 4th birthday and Katie's 8th, the girls chose to once again have a joint birthday party. This one was held in our home (Dear God!) with more than 20 kids present. I lost track at 20... it's kind of counting guppies in a tank - they never stop moving and they're constantly moving from group to group so you can't get an accurate head count. It was fun for both the kids and adults I think, though as I do every year, I swear not to have another party in the home of that magnitude. Ah well, at least I didn't bring in live animals this year.

The girls' schedules this year are a bit insane. Katie has violin two nights a week, soccer one night and every Saturday and Sadie starts "bawaway" (ballet) tomorrow. Never a dull moment around here. I miss the younger years when activities did not take over our evenings. Our nights off are spent on homework, playing outside with the neighbors and the occassional walk to the park.

In other news, I've started to date a little bit. It's so weird to be back 'out there' at 30-something, and as a single mom. I'm enjoying it thus far, though there are no real connections to be found yet. It's more an opportunity to get out and meet new people, see new places, stuff like that. And it helps me, of all things, to put a focus back on what I want out of life, where I want to go next and who I might be interested in getting there with. If nothing else, I get some great stories out of the experiences, and it's a cheap form of therapy every time you meet a new person and get to tell your life story.

So, that's life in a nutshell at the moment. Work is going really well (I love it!), the girls are adjusting, once again to the latest change that the new school year brought about, I'm adjusting to single mommydom and life keeps ticking by. I'm working on some plans for a (gasp!) vacation early next year I hope - it's long overdue for the girls and I to get away and regroup.

Here Comes the Sun

2010-09-12T21:50:00.000-05:00

What an amazing weekend. My kids and I are so blessed to have so many people we love in our lives - their birthday party was this weekend and our house and yard were overflowing with friends and family. So. Much. Fun.

Since my post a few weeks ago when I felt like I was at rock bottom, so much has changed. My position at work transitioned - tonight I got awesome feedback from the client to top off the already perfect afternoon. The girls are back in school and we're on a schedule, which brings peace and process to our home that we had all been craving since the constant turmoil and change that persisted throughout this past summer. And it's fall. I smell the football in the air, and it's my absolute favorite time of the year. The girls birthdays have been a wonderful reminder of how truly blessed we are - healthy kids, happy home, and love abound.

So, I didn't quite get to the drugs. And I may still need them - I'm not counting it out. But I definitely feel like I'm starting to come out of the dark and it feels wonderful.

I'm dying to tell all about the girls birthdays, but will save it for another night when I have more energy and time to sum up their last year with any sort of justice. Suffice it to say, they're happy campers tonight, too.

Like a Good Book...

2010-08-30T21:51:00.000-05:00

I love it when I read a really good book with an author’s voice and thoughts I identify with. In fact, if the author really touches a chord I find myself thinking in similar prose; analyzing my surroundings and every day events in that ‘voice.’

It’s not just books it happens with. My friends often rub off on me in that manner. Especially my gay guy friends who have the ‘valley boy’ lingo. Man, that sticks like glue to my brain. I digress.

Anyway, my neighbor is also a single mom, going through some of the same angst and soul searching I find myself in. We went on a long walk the other day, talking about our shared hopes, spiritual longings, heartbreak and fears. And, of course, bitching about the Ex's. That is what we do best. As we got back to our cul-de-sac, she said, “Kim, you have GOT to read this book. It’s so you.” She went inside and came out with Eat Pray Love.

Now, a disclaimer. I had no intention of reading this book. I’d heard just enough about it to turn me off – it’s about a woman’s quest for God across countries, divorce and (the final nail in the coffin to turn me off to reading this it) it's now a major motion feature. Bah. I have no need for that drivel.

But, I was out of good books. So I opened it up Thursday evening and each night since, have anxiously awaited bed time so that I can read. I feel like the author is putting words to the feelings I didn’t even know existed, but when I read them I think, damn – THAT’s how I feel, I just hadn't gone deep enough to realize the source of my anxiety and sadness. Somehow, I just could not let myself recognize my sadness lately. I knew it was there, eating at me, screaming to be recognized, but I had convinced myself that, if I acknowledged it, I would fall to too pieces like those "spilt milk" puzzles that are all white with no edges and damn near impossible to ever put back together. And I just don't have time for that kind of jigsaw puzzle right now.

But as I got deeper in the book, I began to recognize more and more of myself. The author talks a lot about depression – even giving it a name and persona, coupling it with its old buddy loneliness. Oh, how I loved that imagery. I read that chapter twice in a row. I could so identify with those characters - they are frequents at my home lately.

The book combined with other catalysts this weekend that led me to a moment of self-discovery. On Friday night a friend told me that I don't "sparkle" like I used to - a simple, harmless thing to say, one expressed truly out of concern, but it cut me to the core. On Saturday another friend mentioned that she’d been worried about me. I’ve fallen off the blogosphere, her way of keeping a barometer on my life. And she’s right. When I stop writing, I’m brooding. And not in a good way at all.

Combine all of this, and when Sunday morning came I awoke feeling bruised and battered, desperate for help that I, for so long, have tried to deny needing. My immediate reaction was not to call a doctor (well, it was Sunday, anyway, so wouldn't have done any good), but to lace up for a run. It helped me to step back and take a look at my life and my general psyche right now. Three miles flew by, and I decided to double my distance, which was really stupid since I only run about twice a week these days, IF that. In mile 4 my knee began to hurt. By mile six I was limping back toward home. And I felt more down than ever. I mean really, can't I make myself better? Can't I run it off, read it off, rationalize it, face it head on and conquer this anxiety, this depression on my own?! My knee yelled back at me that no, unless I wanted to get a knee replacement next time I awake feeling that way, I should not tackle this alone. My heart agreed wholeheartedly (ugh, I had to write it), and offered up a heart attack if I do not address this. Stupid body always trying to undermine me.

I hate depression. I hate to think of myself as being there. I’ve been surrounded in one way or another by loved ones who battle depression and other mental illnesses all my life, and to me, it’s terrifying. Long before the loss of so many people I loved in the recent past, before Sadie’s life-or-death battle at birth, before the end of my marriage I began my own epic battle with it. It really, I think, started even before high school, but was most prevalent in the year following, and never quite went away.

The worst of it came shortly after having Katie, when I found myself alone in a college town with an infant, a spouse who completely shut down, two jobs and a full-time student schedule. At that time, I felt a tightening in my chest, something that felt like a heart attack I thought. I could barely breathe. The pain was stabbing through my chest and abdomen when the episodes occurred. It was scary, and these feelings began to happen more and more frequently, at odd times. Usually when I laid down to sleep for 2-3 hours before starting the next day. When the searing pains and lack of breath were not present, I would have argued that I was content (perhaps more content than I am now?) in life. But when they came they would last anywhere from 5 minutes to 45, and they were excruciating. It took EKGs, a few scans and blood work before I landed in a psychologists office with the diagnosis of panic attacks. She told me in the very first session that I suffer from ‘generalized anxiety disorder.’ She suggested medication. I vehemently refused, but did agree to follow up appointments to work through the condition without the aid of drugs.

I left the office and armed myself with self-help books, vitamins and began a regimented diet and exercise routine. Within two months I had a handle on the panic attacks – I’d lost weight, I felt better, I was stronger and I was much more knowledgeable about GAD, postpartum depression (my self diagnosis that the psychologist never agreed on – she said it was current-marriage-in-crisis syndrome instead), panic attacks and self reflection. But I still couldn’t get past those blues. So I finally caved and took the minimum amount of medication to help me get over the edge. And it worked. I was calm and cool and... well, numb. And to be numb meant not to hurt. So that felt good.

But I was scared of the meds. They aren't natural, and the lack of emotions began to wig me out (the psychologist rationalized this as 'leveling my emotions.' Hardly human in my book - we have emotions for a very good reason, and sometimes, they should not be kept in such close check). I didn't like being numb and merely 'content.' I wanted to be 'happy.' So six months after starting the regemine of drugs, I weaned myself. I had been much faster to wean from the psychologist (who took less than three months. I still remember the last time I saw her, when she said she felt she was no longer of value to me because my marriage SHOULD fail because it was so unhealthy for me, and that if I was unwilling to admit it, then she could not help. How dare her, I thought?! Now I'd like to go back and hug her...). A year later I had even weaned myself from the self-help books, and I could manage a panic attack if I felt it coming - I'd address it, have a little mental conversation and tell it to f* off, which was really quite effective. And I was OK. I was better, really.

Fast forward about two years, and I found myself once again battling the same demons, minus the panic attacks. But the depression was so much worse this time. I was in a new city, again. I’d gained weight, again. My husband was further than ever from me, and the last marriage counselor we had been to analyzed our relationship to be “over the edge, barely clinging. There’s little, if any, hope of saving it, and to be honest, at this point, it’s best to just let go.” We both left in a huff. But we both knew he was right, even though we couldn't admit it then.

Anyway, once again, the anxiety returned, but it chose this time to manifest itself in new ways – obsession with work, finding the right school for Katie, focusing on Sadie's survival, a crusade to help other families 'victimized' by heart disease, etc. Anything, ANYTHING to avoid paying attention to what was hurting. Anything to avoid the emptiness inside. Anything to avoid going back to a shrink’s office and getting on drugs.

A year later and I was back in on a chaise lounge, eager for a new 'script to make me numb. I wanted a magic pill to make it all better. I wanted a pill that would make me happy since I couldn’t seem to find happiness anywhere I turned. I took them for all the wrong reasons, which the shrink (who was fantastic) quickly realized and worked with me to address. She told me I shouldn't use the drugs as a crux (well, no DUH, that's why I avoid them until the last minute, I told her) and that numbness was not a state any human belongs in. And I agreed. I didn't want to be on them either. And talking to her made me feel better, gain some new self-help skills, and again, I was quickly off of them, off my need for her, back 'on track.' Kind of.

Fast forward two years to now, post failed marriage, post post-partum years, post allowable grieving period for losses of loved ones. I find myself thinking, more often than not, if I just get through this hurtle I’ll be happy. If I can jump through that hoop, and the stars are aligned, and my winning lotto numbers come up that day (impossible, since I don’t play), then, THEN, I will feel better. I’ll be happier. I’ll be a better mom.I don't need drugs to get there. I'm meditating twice daily using the '10 minute miracle' method. I'm breathing, I'm eating organic lunches (mostly), I'm reading new self-help books (and apparently this self-help autobiography that spawned this post). I'm trying to focus on my kids, the great new things about my job, the lawn, the wide-open future ahead that I get to mold into whatever I want it to be.

Yet I'm sad. And anxious. And lonely. And I want to be whole again.

Truth is, I don’t know what whole is. I’ve been pieces and parts of everyone else for so long (at my own choice of course) that I have a hard time being alone and thinking about what I want, who I am, what I want to do next. Instead, I spend most of my time devising ways I can be so busy that I won’t be annoyed with my dwindling self. Kids! Bills! Lawn! Businesses! Volunteering! Friends, family, cleaning! But please, please don't make me sit alone for an hour with nothing to do, please!

Some of that goes with the territory – when you’re a mom, everything else comes second to your children. I get that, and I embrace it. But a big chunk of that is mental, and of that chunk a lion’s share can be directly my nemeses Anxiety and Depression. Screw them and the horse they rode in on.

It’s so hard to admit that there’s something broken within you. At least for me. I hate talking about it. I hate thinking about it. I hate that I can’t control it on my own. But I also don’t want to be unhealthy for my girls, unhealthy for myself.

My friends, bless their hearts, have not abandoned me during these times of turmoil. Well, a few have, or I have abandoned them perhaps, but they were peripheral. My core base of friends have held me up and supported me, bringing me soup when I’m sick, cheery messages, shared bottles of wine, commiserated and laughed over my recent misfortunes (some self-brought, others truly the roll of the dice). And I can not even begin to express in words how much they mean to me – actually, most of you that read this ARE my close friends, so to make it more personal, I can’t tell you how much YOU mean to me. And I have to apologize. I know I’m not myself lately.

So there it is - a long ramble about a book that I’ve halfway read that for some reason opened the floodgates I’d been holding barred shut for so long brings me to this – the crux of the post. I think it’s time to look into medication. I don’t think I need the psycho babble (though I did enjoy the mandala-drawing hypnotherapist I saw for a while a few years back and may seek him out if nothing else than for art therapy). I can easily identify my problems and potential solutions (non-drug) that will help me. But when you've gone this far off kilter, sometimes, I think, you need something to help you push the reset button.

I hate the idea of drugs. I’m scared of them, actually, after the last round with Cymbalta, which left me in cold sweats for three weeks with migraine-like headaches when I was weaned off. But I also realize that I have to be better at life. I have to take control again – because I’m getting swept up in the hurricane of change without an achor, buffeting from one drama to the next, soaking up unnecessary rains of pain and sadness and spilling it, despite my best intention, on others along the way.

Even as I write this, as ashamed as I am to admit my shortcoming and need for help, I can feel the storm turning back toward sea. It’s time to dry off, pick up the pieces of my life and move to higher land.

An overdue, very fun, relaxing weekend!

2010-08-22T22:21:00.000-05:00

I have to admit - I was really looking forward to the every-other weekend off from parenting thing when I first moved out. It was going to be AWESOME to have free weekends. Well, I quickly found out, not so much. The girls miss being home, I miss having them with me and I'm just, well, LAME. I don't want to do much but clean, work and unpack these days. If they're here, it forces me to stop and play.

This weekend was a fun reprieve from the go-go-go lifestyle we've been having. Yeah, I still worked, but only a few hours today. I had some one-on-one time with each girl on Saturday, which was a total blast - to multiple parks with Sadie (my back is killing, though, she was tiring and out of breath a lot out there in that humidity), and to get a (gasp) cell phone for Katie. That's another story for another day. Don't judge. Shut up.

We had a great time with Kerinda and Spencer, who chilled with us a good portion of the weekend. We went to an inflatable-jumpy place with friends, had a houseful of new friends over Friday night for an impromptu cul-de-sac party, spent a couple hours at the salon today to get new cuts and ate out way too much. It was fantastic. I feel so much more... me. Yay for free time with my babies!

Single Parenthood

2010-08-16T21:42:00.001-05:00

I think I'm finally coming to terms with it. Well, kind of. I'm starting to assimilate at least.

Katie and Sadie, on the other hand... not so much. The single parent thing was fun for them the first month. New house. New friends. New lives. Less drama.

And then came Carl's death. Sadness. New dog. New drama.

And my new job. Long hours. Stressed out mommy. Less quality time.

And less time with their dad.

So while I've begun to settle out and find a routine, they're only now feeling the full ramifications of divorce. They see their dad a few hours every week and every other weekend. They have less time with me than ever before. And, to be honest, I'm not half the mom I was. I'm tired, I'm stressed and I've forgotten how to play. Well, mostly.

Last week I really noticed it the most. One day I looked over at their pictures on my desk and realized I hate where I have let life lead me. I missed my babies. And it was everything in my power not to walk out of the office at 1:30 that day to get home to them. But I stayed.

On the way home I was in full meltdown mode. My life, I realized, was never going to be a white picket fence, fixing dinner for the family, hanging laundry on the clothes line with countless daytime hours with my children. And it's fine. I know. But it's not what I envisioned. This is not what I pictured at all. And I have to allow myself time to adjust, to let go of old dreams and to refocus and find new ones.

And with that last sniffle, I decided to start reclaiming and quit the pity party. If I spend the few hours I have with them drowning in regret and sadness, then I'll miss out on the best parts of now. And I feel like I've been missing out on a lot lately thanks to my pity party. So, pity party is officially over.

I'm a single mom. I work full time and then some. I have an insane schedule and demands. And I'm going to kick butt as a mom despite all of that. Time to put the big girl pants on and make the most of the time we have together.

My New Life

2010-07-21T19:22:00.001-05:00

I should be settling in about now, adjusting to my new life. The new dog. The new house, new yard, new job. But to say I'm settled would be a bit, well, overboard.

I am starting to get more familiar though. I recognize a few faces at work. I finally located the box with my important files. I'm starting to set into a daily routine as a single mom.

My new life, in reality, resembles nothing of the old one beyond the same friends, family, kids and one of the dogs. Everything else is very different. While it's too early to feel totally comfortable in it, I feel better, despite the stress of the past couple of months. I feel more like, well, me I guess. I've gone without TV, conveniences such as trash service or an evening sitter, and while I miss those things, they have given me time to find a bit more of myself. And work harder than ever. But the work is somewhat gratifying - it means I'm on my way, I'm learning, I'm emerging from the shell of a life I've been living for so long.

In the past month I've done a few things I haven't done in years. Sketched a picture. Rode a bike. Ate dinner at midnight, broken out art supplies in anticipation of new projects, sat outside and just looked at the stars. I'm on my way, I think. Now to figure out where it is I'm going...

It will get better.

2010-07-06T22:48:00.000-05:00

When, I'm not sure. But I'm ready for life to get better. Somewhat easier. Something's gonna give soon. And hopefully it's not my brain.

Another tough, tough day. Another long week of work ahead. A week away next week for more work in Denver, while I try to juggle the other job. Closing two businesses - who'd have thought it to be so stressful? New job? Still on a major learning curve. U. G. H. And don't get me started on the personal numbers I've been through the last month.

I heard it was over 100 today. I had no clue it was hot. I spent my day inside a cube or a business building downtown. I did drive, and I think it was hot, but I was on calls, so really didn't pay attention. I was gone 12 hours, and worked about 18 thus far. I should get in 2 more before calling it quits and gettig up at 5 to do it again. But I think I'll slack off, take the heat for not getting everything done tomorrow and get a few hours of sleep.

Sorry to those I'm ignoring/not responding to/missing. I hope to come up for air again one day soon. I miss you. I miss daylight. I miss laughter and fun. I hope to find it again soon.

Funeral Songs

2010-06-29T00:58:00.001-05:00

I've had way too much time this year to contemplate funeral music. And so, to save others the time, here are a few I'd like at my own funeral, which I hope is not for 100 years. In case it's not, here's a head start. None of that Wind Beneath My Wings, Dust in the Wind crap for me.

- Enter Sandman - Metallica - I want my urn to be carried in ceremoniously to that. Hokie Stone optional. Oooh, ooh - an urn made from Hokie stone. There you go. Hopefully I don't go any time soon as this may scare the crap out of my children.

- Spirit in the Sky - Norman Greenbaum - goes nicely with the "mount on wings of eagles" scripture from the Bible.

- My Way - Frank Sinatra - a nice photo tribute piece

- Blackbird - Beatles - because it's my most favorite song ever

- Another One Bites the Dust - Queen - to go out to post-ceremony

- Down in a Hole - Alice in Chains - as I'm lowered down or scattered wherever.

So there. Easy enough. Now you don't have to spend 10 hours searching the internet for the right songs for me. Not that that is what I've done all night...

Classic rock (late 60s early 70s) songs outside of the norm. Email me if you have suggestions. So far I've got "Long as I can See the Light" by CCR. Need 2 more. I love "Everything I Own" by Bread, or "Can't Cry Hard Enough" by the Williams Brothers (I know, not classic rock, but my God, can't get it out of my head right now), but find them to be too, too sad.

In a Phoenix Phase... again

2010-06-26T21:37:00.000-05:00

I've battled with depression in the past. That hopeless feeling you get when you feel you're stuck in a situation you just can't get out of. I haven't dropped to that level yet, but good God, I'm having a rough time lately.

My sister put it into perspective for me this past week in an email. It was hard to look at, but so true. My entire life has changed - 95% from what it was less than six months ago. I'm burning again, and I know there's major rebirth - there's some hard seed deep within that's just beginning to crack open to new possibilities I've never considered. I get that. But philosophy aside, this period of my life sucks. It really, really hurts. And I don't feel like I can take much more. Here's a snippet of the changes:

- Single mom
- New house
- Loss of brother-in-law, who I loved dearly
- Major financial changes
- New job
- New job isn't what I'd hoped for
- Loss of a business, built from a dream
- Loss of steady child care thanks to the loss of the business
- Many, many upset families thanks to said business loss
- New dog, again. A puppy that chews, to boot.
- Health issues
- Closing down the second business
- Failing a client for the first time in my life
- Living in a house starting from scratch. No furniture. No cable. Constantly breaking appliances.
- No place to go to to relax, calm, renew
- Missing out on the time I had with the kids - narrowing from 5+ hours to 2 hours a day of free time with them, IF I'm lucky. I'm half the mom I was. Hell, not even half. I'm tired, I'm cranky and I don't friggin feel like playing Barbies. Sheesh.

And so, yeah, I'm down in the dumps. I haven't been out with any of my friends in over a month. I haven't had my regular girlfriends over on our regular nights, who I never realized made me so much saner. I've made plans, but every time I do, I end up having the kids, dealing with a crisis or emergency or working a trillion hours that won't allow me to get away for a moment of peace.

So, I guess it's just a funk. My temptation is to go to the doctor, to ask for something to make it all feel better. To find an easier way out than getting up each day, battling through it, coming home defeated. But I won't. Not yet. Given that long laundry list of changes, i think it would be abnormal not to feel unhappy, unsatisfied, forlorn. I will get there, and I will mark each day off the calendar until I get to that day where I can once again wake up, knowing I can make it through the day and that it will, indeed, be a better day.

Until then, burning down to ashes, awaiting my reawakening.

He's Gone

2010-06-21T21:35:00.000-05:00

Rest in Peace, Carl, free of pain at last.

I love you, brother.

In Awe of the Firefighting Brotherhood

2010-06-20T23:09:00.001-05:00

I spent yet another weekend of my year at a hospital, this time with my brother-in-law Carl. For those that know him, he's been battling colon cancer for several years. This weekend, as the cancer moved with brutal force forward, I watched my friend and brother head toward the other side. He's still with us, but each breath takes him closer.

I was not alone in the vigil, of course. Carl's wonderful girlfriend, Cindy, and my sister-in-law, Kim were there right along side me. And they are still there, and I'm here at home, feeling awful that I had to leave, but knowing I had to come back to my babies and get to the new job tomorrow. Time, it seems, waits for no one.

Many others were there, too - family coming by to say goodbye for hours on end, friends galore. But what stood out to me, the most, was the brotherhood of firemen that stood by Carl's side, easing his way, easing his mind, sharing memories and openly crying over the impending loss of their colleague and friend. So many of them were trained by Carl, motivated by him, even saved by him. And they told their stories - ones full of oohs and aahhhs, others with lots of laughter, some that brought tears. I can not describe the beauty they brought to the desert landscape of death. They brought the story of Carl to life, and I know they will continue to do so for years to come for family and friends, for each other and for rookies who will doubtlessly be subjected to many of Carl's famed pranks.

The men and women of the fire departments of Dale City, DC, Occoquan/Woodbridge/Lakeridge (OWL), Fairfax and Manassas were all there to offer comfort in so many ways. Some came and simply quietly sat for hours at a time. Others brought goodies to share. Many spent time alone with Carl, saying goodbye. And many, many, many are planning his departure services, raising money to ensure his children are well cared for, ensuring all is in order when he passes and easing the burdens usually bore by immediate family alone. There is no better gift nor support that could be asked for.

Brotherhood can not be a more apt term for those in the fire departments that serve our communities. Thank you, brave men and women. For watching over your communities, for saving lives, for what you mean to Carl, and for what you mean to all of us who Carl is leaving behind. You. Are. Wonderful.

Survival Mode

2010-06-12T19:50:00.002-05:00

A lot of times I write a blog, only to delete it all and post some sunshine covered piece of crap that doesn't really represent what is happening inside. Not tonight. I don't keep a journal anymore due to lack of time, so this is the only record I have of daily life, so I'm laying it out straight. Life, right now, is not easy.

The new job has required killer hours so far. I worked more than 70 last week, with more to go today. So. Very. Tired. I love the job, and the people, but hate the hours required to get my job done. I'm sure it will reduce as I get into things, but for now, I feel like I'm drinking from a fire hose during the days, and working at night to make up for my lack of productivity from that day.

And I'm extremely emotional right now. Closing down the school is harder than I imagined. I have no place for Sadie yet, and I'm heartbroken that the school I built for her - quite literally - will not be her base through first grade as planned. I'm really angry about it too - at myself for not seeing the writing on the wall with one staff member, and at that staff member. It sucks that one stupid incident and the lack of one's ability to control emotions resulted in a $40k loss for me over a two year period. Not to mention the hours I put in. And never, once, did I get paid. Not once. So I'm bitter, sad, melancholy and frustrated. That just kicked in last week, when I began to inventory the materials I love so much to sell off to pay back parent deposits. This. Sucks. I feel like I'm selling part of my heart.

I'm also struggling to keep up with the remaining client with my company, and not doing well with it. I brought in someone to take over, but it's not an easy transition, and many things fell between the cracks in the last few months. They haven't paid me in two months, so it's hard to want to work for them in my spare time after putting in 60+ hours on a job that pays.

And the transition to being able to choose my own hours has been a difficult one. While I'd love to just go to the office 9-5 or whatever, my days are never like that. I go from 8-7, or 7-6, or whatnot and that cuts into those precious hours with my girls that are oh-so important now that I'm a single mom. I hate that I see them a couple of hours a day. I have close to soul custody in terms of time with them, and it's very, very hard to be perky with the hours I'm putting in. I feel like I'm failing them, too.

It all makes me feel like the last 7 years were a waste. How hard I worked to be able to be with them, only to end up working ridiculously long hours away from them. How hard I tried to make that school work, so that Sadie could have the education Katie was afforded. I'm tired of working like a dog, and missing out at the bone at the end of the day.

So yeah, I try to keep it light and keep that smile on. But to be honest, between working a million hours, failing with the businesses and finding myself in the toughest financial situation I have ever imagined (hello ramen noodles, old friend), it's been a rough few weeks. I can't even come home and crash on the couch in front of the TV - I have no couch, no cable. I know, I know. So many have it worse than I do. I get it. And I know I just have to keep my nose to the grindstone and this will pass, and shortly for that matter. But that doesn't make the current sting of the mornings, when I wake up from 3-4 hours of sleep to do it all again any easier. This is definitely one of the hardest times in my life. By far.

Irony

2010-06-09T20:19:00.000-05:00

Not my picture, but too relevant not to share.

I'm working a bajillion hours a week, so will post when I have room to think again.

The New Gig

2010-05-16T19:40:00.000-05:00

I've officially completed my first week at the new job, and have to say, so far, so good. I feel like I'm on a steep learning curve - especially in terms of health care reform, which is what my current contract covers - but I also feel like I'm already starting to get into a groove with the new schedule. I like the people I work with, and am loving all the West End has to offer for lunch options. Yum. Gotta get back to running before that takes its toll. Especially Jimmy Johns. Man, those subs are addicting...

I digress. So anyway, I'm loving the new job, and having an ok time transitioning from working flexible hours to doing the 8 to 5 kind of gig. I miss seeing the girls as much, but feel like our evenings are a nice smooth pattern, and we're all very happy in the new neighborhood.

This weekend I had a house full of kids (yet still, no furniture... which actually works out well when you have 7 kids in a house). The neighborhood kids come and go from yard to yard and house to house, and the parents all seem great so far. I didn't get much accomplished on my cleaning agenda, but it was a fun, relaxing weekend full of kids all the same.

So, things continue, for the most part, on the up and up. I've had some sadness crop up here and there for external reasons, but feel fairly peaceful with life at the moment and the direction I'm heading. Now to figure out what to do with the kids for the summer!

The Sac

2010-05-06T19:28:00.000-05:00

So far since moving into the new house I've counted 4 seven-year olds, 2 4-year olds and, I don't know, about three or four 2-year olds that live in our cul de sac. The kids can't wait to get home from school because they are sure to be met by at least 2-3 eager friends just waiting to play. Katie's suddenly interested in learning how to ride her two-wheel bike she's always been fearful of, Sadie is enjoying the dogs that live in every single yard around the sac and I... well, I'm just trying to adjust. I love the friendliness of the neighborhood. I love the stories of the previous tenants where I lived (apparently they had 2 repos, 4 dogs and a good knock-out drag-down fight at least weekly - the neighbors were disappointed to find I was "normal" and ruined their Friday night entertainment). But wow, overwhelming after always being a fairly private person. Kids are at the door, in the yard, on the driveway, EVERY WHERE.

I'd been cordial thus far, but frankly, haven't felt very talkative this week. A lot has been going on and, dammit, I'm sick, I'm tired and I just need a minute to breathe/adjust. But tonight I couldn't resist the draw of "Thursday Ice Cream night" and headed out to the sac where a chair awaited my arrival. The zillion kids ran around the sac, laying in the middle of the street to outline each other in chalk. The adults meanwhile sit on the sidelines, chatting about lawns (or in my case, making fun of the weeds and overgrown trees), new beverage concoctions and sipping cool drinks while awaiting the arrival of The Ice Cream Guy. Not to be confused with The Ice Cream Man. This dude is definitely a Guy they tell me. Turns out it's my same Ice Cream Guy from the old house (and yeah, he's a nice guy).

The neighbors are great, everyone's already offering to help out with this, that and the other and I feel at home, but I also feel that the privacy isn't what I'm used to. But the shear joy I see in the girls right now in the midst of all this change, well, it's worth it. They are already planning sleep overs, play dates, whose yard to meet at and how to use morse code from bedroom windows.

I am feeling good in the new house, and feel "home" already even though the boxes aren't unpacked and I cringe at the brass gleaming at me from every door fixture and cabinet. I've been down on the floors at night scrubbing baseboards with a toothbrush after putting in about 15 hours a day of work right now, but I feel at peace. And that, at the moment, is all I need.

Good News Round 2

2010-05-02T21:36:00.000-05:00

I've officially moved! I ended up with a super nasty virus this weekend, but thanks to friends and family was able to get almost everything moved, the girls rooms set up and my sister and her fiance unpacked and put away the kitchen. My house is cute, but furniture bare at the moment. Can't wait to fill it in as we go with all the stuff I like. Yay me!

And on to the next round of good news - I've officially accepted an offer with a consulting company in our area. That's right folks, no more work-at-home three-trillion hours a week. Hello benefits, daily interaction with adults and a job I just can't wait to start! I'll be working on a health care reform strategy-based project, and can't wait to roll up my sleeves and get dirty - it's right up my ally.

So many changes so quickly. Last week there were definitely some bumps along the way that I can't mention but suffice it to say, I was reminded that small business ownership isn't all it's cracked up to me. I'll take it as a sign that I'm moving in the right direction - onward and upward!

Good News Round 1

2010-04-24T22:25:00.001-05:00

So, time to spill some of the beans - Saturday the girls and I are moving! I found a cute little house in a subdivision literally crawling with children. The girls are excited, and the boxes are piling up.

Add to that that I just returned from a fantastic trip. I don't usually say that about my work travels, but this one was lots of fun. I enjoyed visiting with my clients (many of whom I've known for years), had some down time to check out local sites (well, it was Minneapolis, so there wasn't TOO much to check out, but I did tool around Mall of America today), hours of conversation with an old college friend who happened to be in town and ended it all by having a "me" day to kick back and really relax for the first time in quite a while. I got on the plane to come home feeling eager to begin the next chapter in this crazy book of life.

I have much more good news, but don't want to jinx it, so will fill it in as we go. Hooray for new beginnings!

Love Grows!

2010-04-15T20:09:00.001-05:00

Just after informing Katie that her aunt is now engaged, she started gushing about the wedding. And then she told me that she was very excited, because very soon the love would start to grow in Kerinda's uterus, and that then she and Spencer would have a baby.

So she knows what a uterus is, and why it's there. No clue how the baby gets there. And I intend on it staying that way for a few years yet to come.

INSANE Week

2010-04-15T17:54:00.001-05:00

Talk about the ride of a life time. This week has held it all - excitement, adventure, romance, sickness, disappointment, angst, frustration and countless doors opened I never thought possible. Seriously life, couldn't we take one of these a week, or at least spread them out a bit over each day? My nerves are a bit ragged.

I can't report everything yet, or the changes happening, but there's some exciting stuff going on. Big stuff. Really big. I can't wait to see where I am three months from now.

In the meantime, Sadie's sick. Again. This time with Hand, Foot and Mouth Disease (or a virus very similar). Poor thing has blisters on the inside of her mouth that spread into her nose and are starting to appear around her lips. I'm to expect them to go to her hands and feet too. She's got a fever and wants nothing more than to be held. Constantly. While I'm trying to juggle two businesses, a sudden onslaught of interviews and packing.

Yes, packing. Like I said. Can't share everything yet, but life is pretty darn exciting at the moment!

At Long Last...

2010-04-10T18:17:00.003-05:00

I'm getting the younger brother I ALWAYS dreamed of having.

Congratulations to Kerinda and Spencer on their engagement! I've been weepy with excitement/anticipation/sheer joy all day long. So happy they found each other, and so thrilled to see the future unfold for them.

I am one happy camper today! :)

Three and A Half Horrors

2010-03-30T21:46:00.000-05:00

I have this theory that kids hit the "terribles" at their half-year birthday mark. I think that they gain new levels of independence about that time, but with my kids, every half-birthday marks a major shift in behavior - emotionally, combined with a greater desire for independence from me. Sadie is further proof of the validity of my hypothesis.

I give you, for evidence, my last three weeks with Sadie:

The Cupcake Incident. The night before we needed cupcakes for our school St Patty's Day party, the assistant teacher at school got very sick. So, I ended up making last minute cupcakes. At midnight. Until 2 am. I left all 24 of them on the kitchen counter and stove overnight. This was a fatal error. In the morning I found 4 cupcakes. Upon further inspection I found a green child that looked somewhat like Sadie once had and an engorged pit-herd. I counted only 8 cupcake wrappers. The rest have yet to be found. And likely never will be.
Hair Cut. Apparently Sadie was tired of waiting for a haircut. So she did her own. Of course she couldn't be like every other child that does this. She took a big chunk of the top, back section of her head. Which means she will be wearing a pony tail for at least 2 years.
Potty Fun. Yesterday I got a call from school. It was the preschool teacher. Apparently Sadie had decided to go to the bathroom. While in there, she removed her shirt. And began to dip it in the toilet and drip it around. I asked what I should do. Without hesitation the teacher suggested a new shirt. Ummm, yeah.
Morning Rounds. Sadie has once again decided sleeping is for fools. So she wakes around 3. And again, for the day somewhere between 4:30-5:30 each morning. At which time she informs me she's hungry. Starving. So I give her food and go back to bed. She wakes me up 10 minutes later having devoured said food to exclaim she is once again hungry. Starving. So I feed her again, and try to sleep for another 15 minutes before... well, you get the drift.

I've been abnormally angry over her impish endeavors lately. I realize if I step back, I can laugh. It's just hair. It's only cupcakes. The shirt was likely dirty anyway. And we all know sleep is overrated.

Maybe it's the short temper from the stress I'm under (I won't bore you all with details). Maybe I'm just not a perfect mommy (say it isn't so?!?!). Or maybe this kid is driving me batshit with her shenanigans.

New PR for 10k

2010-03-27T11:09:00.000-05:00

64.5. I'm bummed I didn't make my 61 minute goal, but what the heck, it's 7 minutes off of last year. And I'm totally not feeling well this morning, so that may have something to do with it.

Next year's goal - 54.5. Time to kick up the training and sign up for more races!

Mad love sent to the Amos and Reynolds families.

Amanda

2010-03-25T09:22:00.001-05:00

I'm having a hard time wrapping words around all the emotion I feel today. I'll try a bit, but it's not going to be pretty.

Two years ago, almost to the day, Amanda came by to drop off stuff so that I could run in my very first 10K. I'd never run before, but was doing so for another friend's daughter as a fundraiser. It turns out I was too late to register. Amanda encouraged me on, and suggested I take her bib, since she had been feeling bad for so long. When she and her husband stopped by to drop off the running packet I thought, my God, she looks gray. Cancer gray. But still, I never imagined that my childhood friend could be THAT sick.

The next night she collapsed in the shower, and a few days later the leukemia diagnosis was made.

Fast forward to last year, and it was time to run the race again. I remember training the weeks prior, running and crying, pissed as hell my friend was being taken away. Even more angry that she had to leave behind her gorgeous son who was only three. On March 25, one year ago today and two days before the 10K, Amanda passed. And I was devastated. I ran the race, pushing myself like never before and managed to take 10 minutes off of my time, but passing the finish line did not carry the same rush of joy over my accomplishment. It brought a rush of grief. Thankfully, a good friend had run with me, which helped me keep my emotions in check, but when I got to the car, alone? I lost it. Totally lost it.

One more year has passed. It's time for the 10K again, and this year I'm running, of course, to honor Amanda's memory, as well as the memory of a beautiful little girl, Charlotte, who entered and left life way too briefly. I'm trying to do something Amanda would be proud of - beating my previous times, though I'm still nowhere near the runner she was.

This year running almost hurts more than last year. It provides time to think and feel, and the emotions of everything well up to a point where I feel like I will just fall to pieces. So I try to balance it with memories and snapshots in my head of the 20 years of friendship we shared. I am so thankful she was a part of my life - she was one of those friends that I could go months without talking to and then we could pick right back up where we left off. She could make me laugh and spill my deepest darkest secrets. She was someone I admired and looked up to - her example and friendship taught me how to be an individual and good friend. It is because of her I learned to be comfortable with who I was as a teen, that I ran my first race, that I wrote my first blog entry. And it's her loss that weighs on my heart so heavily today.

Rollercoaster

2010-03-21T21:23:00.002-05:00

I'm on a bit of an emotional roller coaster these past two weeks or so - watching my ex-mother-in-law suffer so is terrible. Horrible. I wouldn't wish what she's going through on my worst enemy. I hate not being able to help - just having to sit and wait.

And the divorce thing is still a stress maker. I can't wait to move on it.

And the businesses. Ugh. The businesses. Some days I want to throw in the towel on them both and hit the reset button.

Yet despite it all, I've had some FANTASTIC days mixed in. Full of friends, my babies, life and spring, oh glorious spring. My forsythia in the back yard are in full bloom, surrounded by daffodils and I go out several times a day just to see them. My God, how I'd missed the sun.

I once read a book that describes this phase as the Phoenix process - a time of death and rebirth, burning to ashes and waking up or opening to a new reality. The author of that book said that you can choose two things - to ignore it and continue to smolder into nothing, or embrace it and take the lesson that life is giving you to create something new, bold and beautiful. That analogy seems all the more poignant at the moment. I'm not sure when the burning stops - it's still in full force, but I'm already beginning to sift through the ashes of what was to figure out what the lesson was. What I can take from it. How I can grow. I'm getting bits of it, but I know I've got a long way to go before this process is over.

"Tears are words the heart can not express"

My Other Mother

2010-03-16T09:37:00.000-05:00

Most people can't stand their mother-in-laws. But my mother-in-law, well, she's great. She's was a second mother to me for more than 15 years, and even as my marriage to her son ended, has been a steadfast friend and constant in my life.

I love this woman.

Unfortunately, she had a tumor in her head. Which required surgery. Which led to complications, leaving her in critical condition. She's now got clots throughout her body, and I just found out moments ago that there is now a second infection in her head, requiring immediate surgery again. I won't get into details, but it's serious.

Please pray, send good mojo and all of that. This morning has not been a good morning.

The Effing Dog

2010-03-11T07:44:00.000-05:00

Lucy continues to perform acts that would astound Houdini on a regular basis. Last Saturday I thought it was all over - she'd run away on Friday, and my sister realized that her name tag had fallen off her collar. I thought, darn, even though she had the worst behavioral issues ever, she was a sweet dog. And I figured she'd find her way back.

Sunday passes, no Lucy. I call the pound. She's not there.

Monday I don't call the pound because it's the worst day of my life (ok, not the WORST, I have fantastic friends who made it bearable - thanks Molly and Tina), so I don't feel like playing "Where's Lucy?". Yes, bad pet owner. That night I have a terrible nightmare about her dragging herself back to the house from 295, hind legs mutilated from being hit by a car. I wake up and throw up. My dreams have been insane lately.

Needless to say, I called the pound the minute they opened on Tuesday. They say they don't have her. Again I describe her in explicit detail. The receptionist doesn't care. I explain she's microchipped and ask if they check that. Oh, sure they do, but she doesn't take my microchip number when I ask if she wants it. I say she's got a bright pink, sparkly collar. She puts me on hold five seconds then picks back up - nope, she doesn't think she's there.

On a whim I call again Tuesday afternoon, and this time actually get an animal control officer. She goes back, says she doesn't see the dog I describe. I ask if I can submit a picture and report, because no one has asked me to do that when I've called. She's shocked, takes more info, and then mentions... (drumroll...) there's a part of the website hidden in there that shows photos of all the strays. I follow the 30 links to get there and, first dog on the page? Yep, Lucy. In a pink collar. With her microchip number beside her name. Seriously.

So I drive out to far Hanover to pick her up. She reaks and the conditions are appalling. Concrete floors, no beds, no food and water bowls in the cages. I know they get fed and the county does the best it can - but they view it, quite obviously, as a short stop between return to the owner, release to a rescue group or euthanisation. I walk in holding back tears and identify Lucy. Forty dollars and an hour later she's on her way home with me, once again cowering and submissive peeing all over my car. She was terrified, and I felt HORRIBLE for her.

When I got her home she started to pee everywhere again. The dog pees on my floor about 5 times a day on average. She's also eaten the edge of my remaining untouched couch. (Carly ate the other one). And she wouldn't come to me. I'd call, she'd go the opposite direction. Just like when I got her. I spent extra time yesterday with her all day, trying to re-establish trust and retrain what I'd taught her. Her response? Pee, cower, run against her leash so hard she escaped my grip twice in the back yard. I finally caught her 20 minutes after the first escape attempt and 10 minutes after the second (she hadn't gotten out of the yard yet).

This morning I'm exhausted. Total insomnia all night, for the third night in a row. I just can't sleep at night, but that's another story entirely. Sadie gets up at 5:10 and I give her breakfast, set her on the couch in front of the TV and go back to bed with the alarm set for 20 minutes. Bad parent.

Twenty minutes later I wake up, and Lucy is gone from her crate. A quick search and I ask Sadie where she is. Sadie has let her outside. And she's nowhere to be found. And guess what's on the porch? Her name tag. WTF. How does the dog manage to get it's name tag off? This time I used pliers to make sure the new ring holding it on was tighter than the last.

I. Officially. Give. Up. On. The. Dog.

The Davis Family

2010-03-01T23:01:00.000-05:00

Three years ago, about this time of year, I was coming up for air a bit from the trauma of Sadie's birth and whirlwind medical circus. Mostly, I was dealing with bills that had accumulated from a million different providers under a trillion different umbrellas. Medical bills suck. But during that time, I found a wonderful resource and friend - Christy - who helped me to navigate the insurance waters. She, quite literally, saved us thousands of dollars. Thousands. I've never been able to repay that kindness - probably never will be able to in any significant way. And I'm not the only person she helped. In our tiny community of CHD folks in Richmond, Christy leads the way through her involvement with Mended Little Hearts and her steadfast support for families in crisis. Her husband, Steve, rounds up men with kids with CHDs for support and friendship. This family is awesome and an inspiration to many. Yes, I have mad love for the Davis family.

Christy's daughter, Sydney, is the reason she became such an advocate in this community. Sydney is three, and has Tricuspid Valve Atresia (TA) ---meaning her tricuspid valve did not form and she essentially has a three chambered heart. You wouldn't know it by looking at her most of the time - she's full of energy and OH SO Cute.

Today Sydney's family got some news that was definitely not what they had hoped for. The answers aren't in yet - a catheterization will provide more information on Thursday, but suffice it to say it has left the family reeling. And everyone in our community who loves Sydney. Please keep her in your thoughts and prayers, send good mojo, or whatever you do to send love her family's way. Thursday seems like forever when you need answers yesterday.

What to do?!

2010-02-25T22:52:00.000-05:00

So, the job I thought I had in December never worked out. Poo. I've been applying more and more since, convinced I no longer wanted to do the same thing I've been doing for the past seven years. And then the tides once again change.

Sudden renewed interest in the school is bringing visitors every week. And they like what they see. We have a nice start to a waiting list now for next year.

And I got a call today about a potential client.

But I wanted change. I'm so ready for it. So what to do now. Throw everything into the businesses one more time? Break and find something new? I don't know what will happen. The suspense is about to kill me!

PS - Please keep our friend Sydney in your thoughts and prayers. She's three and has HRHS (half a heart, essentially) and has been having a lot of medical issues recently.

Full Range of Emotions

2010-02-18T10:05:00.000-05:00

Those who know me know I'm not an overly emotional person. Sure, I'll tear up like any other chick over 'The Notebook,' but when it comes to having a good cry or feeling overly elated, those emotions are few and far between. In fact, when trauma and drama hit, it takes me weeks, sometimes months or years to dig down deep enough to understand how I'm truly feeling.

I've found this week, however, I'm teetering constantly on the edge of emotion. Giddy about the new paths opening up in life - everything's about to change, and I'm ready to open and embrace it. I've been living in the shadows for years, it feels like, and it feels good to begin to feel more a part of the world again.

But there are also some deep, sad emotions that I neglected for too long that have been brewing into a very strong concoction. The last year (well, really, the last few) was a tough one - lots of loss, on many levels. All year I kept plugging through thinking something new, something great was around the corner if I could just keep my chin up. And for the most part, I did. Only when January came did I really begin to think about the path of the previous year. And for some reason it makes me sad to think about it. I'm missing loved ones I lost, I'm missing some small components of life that will never be the same and more than anything, I'm bummed about how much the girls grew and changed without my seeming to have noticed it. It just all happened so fast.

That's not to say the year was not without great things. Of course my girls and the joy they bring me every single day are the most important part of that, but there were also the wonderful friends that I grew closer to than ever, and who are constants in my life now. I felt surrounded by love and friendship in my worst moments, and was thankful to be able to return the favor. Many of these friends had even worse years than I did. Yet we all find a million reasons to laugh each time we're together. And I renewed a lot of old friendships that had been neglected for years, too. It felt good to reconnect - it's been hard working from home for more than 7 years and feeling so... alone.

The other day I put a quote on FaceBook that sums up where I am right now...

"And the time came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom." - Anais Nin

I'm ready to open up and embrace life fully again. So, if I'm suddenly teary around you for what appears to be no reason at all, bear with me. I'm kind of digging these new found emotions - and am trying not to put my feelings at bay any longer. For years I tried to stave them off - like they were a sign of weakness. It's time to let go and bloom.

Bonding with Sadie

2010-02-07T11:00:00.003-05:00

It's CHD Awareness Week, which I have been actively involved with for the past three years. This year, however, I did nothing to prepare, and I have to admit, I've let the CHD Blog run far behind in posts. But it's for a good reason. I've been bonding with the very reason that brought me into the nightmare world of CHD.

Having a baby you can't hold in the early days has a huge impact on your ability to bond. Ask any parent of a premie who's hospitalized a long time, or anyone who has a child with a chronic, life threatening illness in the early days. Sadie missed out on those early caresses - I couldn't touch her for more than a week beyond brushing a fingertip across her hair without her heart racing. I didn't hold her until she was almost three weeks old. She could not tolerate touch, really, for months, unless she was bundled tightly to minimize it, and bounced to draw her attention away from the fact she was being held. It's difficult to bond under those circumstances.

And that's part of the reason I have been such a 'warrior' about Congenital Heart Defect Awareness. I felt so robbed. If she had been diagnosed, as she SHOULD HAVE been prior to birth, I wouldn't have lost as many days as she stabilized. I have felt that the lack of knowledge, the lack of simple tests, had cost me the bond with my baby. And I was pissed about it. And when I get pissed, I take action to make changes. I don't know what caused this to be my genetic makeup, but it's what happens when I'm faced with something I can't understand, or I think is wrong, or I feel I can make better.

I always felt so awful about not having that special bond with Sadie that I had with Katie in her early years. I craved those moments I'd had with Katie as a newborn - when she'd gaze up from nursing into my eyes and just stare. How she'd snuggle into me and fall fast asleep. How she smiled in those early weeks. With Sadie, it just didn't happen. Every day was a battle. I was, to be honest, disappointed. Let down. Sad.

That's not to say I don't love Sadie more than I can express. I love her so very, very much - coming so close to losing someone makes you realize how much you want them to be in your life. I would content myself with watching her sleep (when she did). Time marched on, and month by month she became a little easier to deal with - allowing me to touch her without crying. Eventually making eye contact. Hugging. Kissing. She became a fairly normal toddler - full of moxy, highly temperamental, but funny and sweet. Still, we didn't have "that" bond.

All of a sudden, three and a half years later, it has finally happened. In fact, I can almost name the moment. We went out on our first mommy-daughter date to the movies a month or two ago, and we sat. We chatted. And the communication began to grow. Now she's attached to my hip (literally, she's sitting her on the couch beside me, on my hip as I type), snuggling constantly and telling me how much she loves me a hundred times a day. And each time I tear up a little bit, so thankful for these moments that were so long in coming.

As for CHD Awareness, I will continue to promote the need for better testing - simple tests can save lives, and maybe even just one mom can have more of a bond with their baby than I was able to have. So I'll champion it. But I won't be putting the hours into it this year. It is time for me to step back and be thankful. To hang up the gloves I've had to keep on to fight for so long for Sadie, and just enjoy her and revel in my new found bond.

Worst. Dog. Ever.

2010-02-05T10:48:00.001-05:00

I don't know what decision process I used when I decided that we should have a new animal in our house. After all, we have a plethora of fish and a Pitbull-German Shepherd mix that take up a large portion of our tiny Cape Cod. But Carly (the German PitHerd) was so sad after Darla passed, I just felt bad. She moped. She quit playing. She hated going outside alone. And so I looked. And looked. And looked for the right dog. As I looked I came to realize why I couldn't find the right dog. None of them were Darla. And man, I missed Darla. She was such a great dog. I loved how her tail was always wagging, up until the very end. I loved how she loved everyone. I loved her love grunts, her playful spirit, her gentle ways with the girls. She was the best dog ever, and I finally realized I'd never find a replacement for that.

So, I finally caved when I came across a hound rescue. She had long ears and sad eyes, much like Darla, but the semblance stopped there. This new dog was timid, submissive, clearly had been abused and/or neglected and was big and skinny. I liked her ok, but frankly, wasn't sold when I met her. We came home and talked about it, and Sadie wasn't sold either. But for some reason, we ended up going back the next day to get her.

Since coming home we discovered that the new dog, which we named Lucy after a Beatles song (the stars were shining when we met her), is in fact an American Foxhound. Apparently a full breed. Which means she'll be big, she isn't a house dog and she's hard to train. In fact, here's the description I found on a breed site.

This breed can be difficult to housebreak. Be aware, the American Foxhound will take off after an interesting scent if they get a chance. They like to bay and have a melodious bark, so much so, in fact, that its tones have been used in popular songs. Foxhounds don't always make good house pets, due to their history as outdoor pack kennel hounds. If you are looking for a pet, whom you are not going to take hunting, try show lines rather than field types.

Of course I had no idea she was a Foxhound. In fact, I didn't know what a Foxhound was, to be honest. I only read this after two weeks of absolute hell with the new dog. She pees indoors at least 3 times a day. She escapes and runs for miles every chance she gets. She can jump a 6' privacy fence. She eats and drinks nonstop. She will not come when called. In fact, she runs in the opposite direction as fast as she can - and she is F.A.S.T. I resorted to buying an aerial run line for her to keep her in the yard. She resorted in chewing through her harness and escaping, chewing through the metal wire braided tether and escaping, or baying at the top of her lungs until my neighbors were yelling at her and I was ready to beat her to death. Not that I'd really hurt her. But the thought definitely crossed my mind more than once this past month.

Just what I needed during this time of financial stress, emotional upheaval and change. A stupid dog that doesn't listen and destroys my home. She's about to push me over the edge. So much so that I ended up calling the SPCA to see if I could surrender her or get some help with doggie rehab. They gave me great literature and guidance, and dropped the bomb - they think she is a feral dog. Her submissive behavior, fear of men, lack of social skills with humans and overall bad behavior are all signs of a dog that has not been raised by humans. Coupled with her breed's lack of "home manners" it's the perfect storm for a bad dog outcome. Awesome.

So I have a feral hound that is going to be twice the size of what I had thought I was getting. She's younger than we thought (5 months or so), which is good - because she may be trainable, but bad because we aren't even CLOSE to the conclusion of the chewing stage. Today, for example, it was one of my favorite childhood stuffed animals the girls left out, one slipper, a hat and a glove. Oh, and another gigantic hole in her doggie bed. She rivals John Grogan's infamous Marley.

I'm giving this animal two weeks, using the SPCA guidelines and assistance for training. She's being crated whenever she's in the house and not under my direct attention. She's being walked on a leash about eight times a day. I'm running her with Carly 2-3 times a day. We're going through a million treats as we work on the simple commands, "come," "sit" and "go to your crate." She's taking hours of my day that I didn't have to begin with.

But, I did discover she gives love grunts (gives an ooooumph when you hug her and leans into you). And she's extremely gentle and loves children. She loves to cuddle. Much like my dear departed Darla. It's the only reason she's getting another chance.

I'm not supposed to talk about it...

2010-01-23T21:47:00.000-05:00

I'm close to the final stages of divorce, but I'm not supposed to talk about it. I guess some people who read this (hard to imagine there are many left as infrequently as I post) are upset about it, or found out through the blog instead of being told. Or that it shouldn't be shared with the public. But I'm tired of censoring myself.

Tonight I had dinner with another single friend. I desperately wanted to ask what it's like on the other side. On the 'recovery' end of it all. Granted his situation is entirely different then mine, but I wonder. I'm not ready for dating, even if everything is finalized with the divorce in the next few months as hoped. But I'm starting to get those pangs of loneliness. Sometimes the pangs make me remember I'm alive, I'm still a woman and I have (ahem) needs. But other times they're a bit deeper. I'm scared of being a single mom of two girls. I don't take the responsibility lightly. But I'm ready.

The holding pattern right now is what's driving me insane. I feel like my entire life is on hold.

Career - have two businesses. Bored with one, can't make a profit off of the other. Found an interesting job, thought I had it, only to find out it was never there to begin with. Ready to go back to working outside of the home and dropping the 80 hour weeks down to something more normal, yet not really wanting to miss those small moments I can steal with the kids once and a while during the days.

Love - marriage is over. Living in the same house with the 'ex' because financially it's the most logical thing. Hating every minute of it. Wondering if I will ever find love. Wondering if I will ever trust enough to fall for someone if I do find it. Wondering if my "irrational" decision to move in the next week if the situation doesn't change will ruin the children.

Education - had hoped to go back to school this year. Not happening. Not sure when and if it can happen. But need that masters degree to get to the 'next' level.

Finances - yowza. The start of this year has been a wake up call personally. Sure, you hear about he economy all the time, but now... well, now it's REALLY hit home. Really, really.

So there. I shared entirely too much personal poo with total strangers (and many friends, too, I know!) on mass media. And strangely enough, my angst is slightly relieved...

One of my favorite days. Ever.

2010-01-18T22:51:00.000-05:00

Nothing makes you appreciate your own children more than after the loss of another's child. I've been mourning Charlotte's loss for some time now, even before she was gone. Yet I felt shut away from the girls. Almost guilty for loving on them, when my friends' child was dying. I know that makes no sense - especially since Charlotte's father's instructions to me every time I saw him was to "hug your babies" but it was just hard to think of how healthy they were, how unfair it was to the Reynolds. But I'm moving on.

The memorial was absolutely beautiful. Thanks to all my friends who helped out with it, donated or were there for me to commiserate with. I love you all, and the Reynolds thank you too.

The service was so touching. I've been singing "I'll fly away," gospel-style for the last few days. It ended with "Let's go fly a kite!" as we headed out to the balloon release (eco-friendly ones of course). It was such a beautiful site, and was a wonderful act of letting go. The reception actually went well, even though we crammed 700 people in a space for 250. The bands were hopping, there was laughter and tears, hugs and friends galore. I even ran into some old high school chums I hadn't seen in years, which was a bonus boost. I felt a great sense of closure - not necessarily for me, but as a collective group. And I am in awe of the Ashland community. That little town truly is the "Center of the Universe." I'm proud to have called it home during my high school years.

But to be honest, I was so busy preparing, obsessing about making it all right, that I'd neglected my babies all week. Yesterday I crashed and burned - a complete pajama day, lounging on the couch, finally showering in the late afternoon and snuggling with the girls all day long. It was bliss to be so lazy (though I did feel very guilty).

Today was back to business. Thankfully it was a school holiday, so I had a fantastic day with the girls doing everything they could possibly want - breakfast at McDonald's playland, shopping for new Schleich animals, playing with said Schleich animals, playing outside, going to the park, making home made pizzas together (my white pizza is the BOMB!) and just relishing the little moments with them. The sun was out, it was a glorious 58 degrees and I felt alive and happy like I haven't felt in weeks. My God I missed my girls. And the sun.

I had the most awesome time with the kids. I laughed at Sadie running from spot to spot in the volley ball court to make sand angels. I had a long talk with Katie about Martin Luther King Jr and his impact. (She brought it up - this morning she told me she wanted to make MLK's wish come true for his birthday and she was going to be kind to every person and treat everyone the same no matter who they were, where they came from or what they looked like. Atta girl!). I teared up when the girls took turns shouting from the playground mountain climbing rock "I love you Mommy!" at the top of their lungs. I was just plain and utterly happy today.

So, I'm ready to embark on the next adventure in life, and where ever it leads. I will never forget the lessons taught by Charlotte and her brave parents. I will forever be changed by this experience in living and dying, and I am the better for have being graced by being a part of the conclusion of Charlotte's life. I would give anything to have learned in a different way, but am thankful for the lesson none the less.

The Memorial

2010-01-17T09:19:00.020-05:00

I realized I never posted much about the memorial service. Many friends have been asking how that went, how it worked and whatnot. And so, here you have it.

The family asked my friend Meredith and I to plan the reception end of the memorial. We wanted to make it extra special, to put a smile on the face of everyone as they walked in and revive a warm memory of Charlotte in their hearts. We covered the room in butterfly art donated by local children, created a butterfly chandaler to hang over a giant chocolate fountain brimming with fruit, pretzels and marshmallows (chocolate was one of Charlotte's very favorite things!). Rachel, Charlotte's mom, came up with the great idea of tying custom made M&Ms in to tiny organza bags with a tag "chocolate makes everything better." We had a balloon release that allowed children and adults alike to say one final goodbye by filling out a tag to attach to the eco-friendly balloon. We had tons of food. Crafts for the kids. It was a great way for the children to express their grief creatively.There was even face painting donated by the local Stretch and Grow group. I know, weird, face painting at a memorial? But it was perfect.

It took a lot of planning, but was one of the best events I've ever done. And I've planned a LOT of events in the past. Why was it so great? Because of community. The Town of Ashland (Center of the Universe!), RichmondMommies.com, RichmondMoms.com, St. James the Less (especially their youth group - amazing kids!), Duncan Memorial and total strangers to the family who gave monetary and in-kind donations to help the Reynolds give Charlotte a send off that would give us all the strength to let her go. That's not to say it was without tears. There were tears. Many. But there were also smiles and laughter, memories and hugs. It was a beautiful gathering, overflowing with love and sadness simultaneously.

I think a writer for the Ashland Herald Progress captured the day extremely well with her blog post. It was a day no one wanted to arrive, an event no one ever wants to attend, but was a great moment of healing and a grand show of human compassion and of love.

What was the best thing to come from this tragedy was something that I hope the CJSTUF foundation can expand upon - creating an extended support network for a family in crisis. With new advances in technology these past several years (yes, social media, there, I said it) there are new opportunities for nonprofits to give back to their beneficiaries in nontraditional ways.

Heavy Heart

2010-01-13T00:50:00.000-05:00

Just watched the news on the earthquake in Haiti, and I'm feeling pretty sad tonight. I mean, I was feeling a bit melancholy before, but this tops it off. I want to jump on a plane right now and go and help.

Mad love to Haiti. So devastating that people who have nothing should be hit with such tragedy.

Yet another reminder of how very, very much I have.

Poem that found my soul tonight.

2010-01-09T01:31:00.002-05:00

A Butterfly Lights Beside Us

A butterfly lights beside us, like a sunbeam...
and for a brief moment it's glory
and beauty belong to our world...
but then it flies on again, and although
we wish it could have stayed,
we are so thankful to have seen it at all.

Author Unknown

The Butterfly is Free...

2010-01-07T12:30:00.002-05:00

Charlotte Jennie Reynolds: July 9, 2005-January 7, 2010

http://cjstuf.blogspot.com

So Long December!!!

2009-12-31T14:31:00.001-05:00

I'm waaaay overdue on pictures. You know you want to see my beautiful babies. So here they are in all their December glory. We had so much fun this month - we had a weekend full of snow (very unusual for Richmond in December), went to the theater, enjoyed Christmas festivities and music, learned about and celebrated a few 'new' holidays (for us) and enjoyed two weeks off that were packed full of playdates and mayhem. Looking forward to 2010!!!

Planning

2009-12-30T19:11:00.000-05:00

For those that don't know, Charlotte Reynolds, a 4-year old child and honorary student at Three Oaks Montessori School, has a terminal brain tumor. In fact, she is in her final days. I, and our entire community, feel heartbroken.

The memorial reception is my planning area, and I'm hoping some of you may be willing to help by volunteering time, resources or financial assistance in the next week or two.

Specific volunteer needs:
- Set up before/during memorial service
- Craft table management
- Serving/food table help
- Manning a large chocolate fountain (to be found)
- Balloon logistics (looking for eco friendly balloon release options - please send ideas!)

I'm also looking for donations (financial or in kind) for the following:
- Socks (100 pairs of new, long socks for therapeutic puppets the kids will make during the reception)
- Sewing notions (buttons, thread, things to glue on sock puppets)
- Chocolate fountain - the biggest one we can find
- snowman craft items
- Scrapbooking materials (any and all - especially purple or pink)
- Butterfly wings (child costume ones) - purple and/or pink only please
- purple and/or pink plates, utensils, cups
- 1,000 eco-friendly balloons or other optional eco-friendly release item
- potluck style food items - with a whimsical twist (butterflies, pink and purple)
- Monetary donations for the supplies we can't get donated
- And other stuff will come up, I'm sure.

I know I've got the best network of friends, family and lurkers possible. Thank you for your support of me and my family during our trying times. I hope all of you anonymous angels out there will be willing to help this family as well. Please email me directly (or leave a comment here) if you want to help.

- Kim

Melancholy Month

2009-12-29T00:21:00.000-05:00

This December has been pretty tough. There are a lot of emotions running high around here, for a lot of different reasons. Through it all I'm continually reminded how blessed I am with my girls, my home, my life in general. But sometimes the most poignant reminders are the ones that hit you hardest in the gut - things like terminal cancer, major life changes, sick kids.

So, I'm a recluse at the moment from the blogosphere. My heart is too heavy (and my mind is too busy trying to process everything) for writing right now.

The new year is just around the corner, and I hope by then I'll be more clear minded and able to write. Until then, the girls are great, Santa was overly generous (even to the tantrum queen) and I'm anxiously awaiting the changes coming in the new year!

Seasons

2009-12-15T23:44:00.001-05:00

I feel like I'm going through many seasons at the moment - rebirth and spring, death and fall, my summer years and some dark winter nights are co-mingling all at once in a huge force of change in my life.

After 7 years of business ownership, I'll be stepping away from association management and eventually school ownership and taking on a new role as a business analyst (essentially what I was already doing) at a consulting firm in Richmond. It means leaving behind the flexible, at-home schedule, which I have so many mixed feelings about, but the benefits are outstanding, it's what I've dreamed of doing, and where I want to go. I haven't got all the details yet, but I'm almost afraid to pinch myself - I wanted this job, needed the change, more than anyone can ever imagine.

It seems like there have been so many goodbyes this year. Friends, relationships, clients, my favorite pet ever, fleeting childhood moments with the girls. But it's been a good year, too, and there's so much to look forward as we settle in for the long winter months ahead. I can't wait to see what will emerge this spring from all the changes that transpired over the past year.

Tantrums

2009-12-09T23:01:00.000-05:00

OK, someone tell me how to handle a tantruming three year old. Please. Because I have NO. FRIGGIN. CLUE.

As a Montessori mom, I use the 'choices' approach to help stave off about 50% of the tantrums. But some days Sadie has already escalated well out of the realm of reasonable discussion.

So I remove her from the situation if I can. Try to talk about using a calm body and kind words. But sometimes she's already over that, too.

So she kicks, screams, scratches, tears things apart, throws things, etc. And if we get to that point, well, it's going to be at least 20 minutes before she can calm herself.

A friend was here today and witnessed what transpires first hand. Sadie hit her daughter in the head with a toy, several times. When I called her over to speak to me, she refused to budge. I went to her, knelt to her level and said, "we do not hit our friends with toys, it hurts." To which she replied, "I know" and made a face. I replied, "if we hurt our friends it makes them sad, so we need to apologize to help them feel better. We don't want to hurt our friends, do we?" To which she replied, "yes I do. She's stupid." Stupid, you see, is the worst word she knows... at least at this point. It's like a curse word in our home.

So I gave a choice, we could go over and apologize to the friend and play nicely, or we could go sit down and calm down. And the screaming began. Not a "wah" but a high pitched, ear pearcing scream. I told her that "screaming is not nice, it hurts my ears, it hurts all of our ears. You need to use your words so that we understand what you want to tell us." Yeah, no effect. So another choice was given, stop screaming and use words to talk to me about how she was feeling, or go upstairs. And a hit flew. And I scooped her up, went upstairs to her room and put her on the bed.

Again the conversation about using words. She's kicking, screaming, throwing things, so obviously, no more conversing at this point. I tell her that if she continues to throw things, I will have to hold her until she calms so she doesn't break anything or hurt herself or me. It escalates. I hold her. She bites, screams. Twenty minutes pass. No dice. I put her down several times during that time, each time to get assaulted. At this point I'm wondering if my friend has left. I wouldn't blame her if she had.

Sadie calms enough, finally, to say she wants to go downstairs. I say sure, if she can use a calm body and quiet voice. She starts down the stairs, and the wails start up before we're half way down. Full blown crying again at the bottom of the stairs. Again, the choice to remain calm downstairs, or go back up. She chooses screaming. We go back up.

During this, my friend is downstairs. She's pregnant, otherwise I would have hooked her up to an IV of alcohol to help with the pain being inflicted by Sadie's wails (mentally and physically). I ask her in frustration if she has any ideas. She said sure, put her in the room and walk out. Let her tear it up. Then she has to clean it up after. Take out any special items you do not want broken. And so, at wits end, I do that. And I close the door, go to the other side, and sit against it so she can not get out. She breaks a part of the door banging and wailing. I sit and cry. My friend leaves. 40 more minutes pass. Finally she calms.

So, my question. How the heck do you deal with a kid like this? How do you a) keep it from escalating to that level and b) calm a child once he/she is a full blown tantrum? I've searched the internet, and books, and asked some friends of toddlers. They give me advice on avoiding the situation, but not one resource can tell me how to deal with it once it happens.

I'm beginning to wonder if there's a behavioral problem. My friend today admitted she'd never seen anything like this. I tell people all the time about the difficulties, but few have witnessed the full blown Sadie Tantrum. I need Nanny 911!!!!

Imaginary Friends and Piggy Poo

2009-11-19T09:29:00.000-05:00

Sadie has been home all week with the dreaded piggy poo... feverish, some congestion, but otherwise content to sit beside me, cuddled up watching movies while I work away on the laptop. She does, however, get 10 minute bursts of energy, and in these periods I've observed something new. The emergence of the Imaginary Friend (IF).

I do not know the friend's name yet. But this new friend is very, very funny. It often leaves her in tears from laughter, and wants to play baby at least a dozen times a day. IF is apparently part dog/part human as it loves to "tuddle" and seems to be quite small. It is also very complimentary, because Sadie keeps telling it "thank you" and "you are a very nice friend."

Katie never had an imaginary friend, so this is all new to me. It's hilarious to observe, and gives a bigger peek into Sadie's psyche and personality. And she keeps me in stitches. Right now IF and she are having a jumping contest. Next they're taking a bath and will be SuperDog and BatDog.

The Montessorian in me kind of cringes, but the artist in me applauds this new development. I see no harm in the behavior for now - it's simply a buddy to play with, which, frankly, is a welcome diversion at the moment.

CJ's TUF

2009-11-12T09:38:00.000-05:00

A little girl that is part of our community at Three Oaks has an aggressive brain tumor. This tough little 4-year old gal has gone through three surgeries, countless rounds of chemo, and now has no more options. It's a devastating situation for her family, but in the midst of crisis they are turning toward hope - hope for a legacy, for helping others and for healing.

Meet CJ's TUF - CJ's Thumbs Up Foundation. It's a new nonprofit that is kicking off its start this Friday, and I hope you'll be come a fan (see the badge on the right side of my blog, or find it on FaceBook). The family hopes to reach 5000 fans by the end of the year. What a great way to show them support, and what a difference this organization will make in years to come.

The organization will provide financial assistance for families in medical crisis, regardless of diagnosis. As a mom who's been down that path, I can't tell you how much that is needed. Whether your family is eeking by or you're middle to upper class, medical crisis hits your pocketbook hard. The hotel stays, travel for treatment, cost of non-insured items, consultations and treatments... it adds up quickly. I'll never forget the 100k bill I received days before Sadie's open heart surgery - it was a kick in the gut when I was already down for the count.

This organization will help families at this pivotal juncture. For a long time I've been looking for the right nonprofit to put myself behind to assist with families with sick children, and I think this may just be it. I'm excited to see it get off the ground, and hopeful for the difference it will make in our community. I hope you will be too, and encourage you to become a fan, become an advocate and become part of little Charlotte's legacy.

Halloween Fun!

2009-10-31T14:34:00.009-05:00

In the midst of grieving Darla's loss, I was thankful for a welcome diversion from our empty home - Halloween! Over the years I've become more and more of a fan of the holiday. I love to dress up, dress the kids up, hang with neighbors and sneak chocolates from the girls' overflowing pumpkin buckets. This year was probably one of the best we've ever had.

We headed over to a friend's house (in the neighborhood over) for a big family party before the kids hit the streets to trick-or-treat. The group was huge - about 20 kids - running to each door until about a mile into it, when the little ones started to fade.

The hostess, another friend and I "cleaned up" until late in the evening, having a great time laughing, sharing stories and commiserating over lost pets. It was just what the doctor ordered.

The kids had a great time this year - dressing up at least 3-4 times for all the different parties and festivals they were invited to. Their costumes rocked, even though I didn't have time to do homemade ones, and I even got in on the dress up fun (even though it was just a generic witch number). Happy post-Halloween!

Darla, The Best Dog Ever

2009-10-30T22:35:00.001-05:00

Twelve years ago, Jason and I were newlyweds and, like many, desperately wanted a puppy to test out our future parenting skills on. I somehow found an old lady who rescued young motherless pups, nursed them to health, then found homes for them. We went out to see what she had, and were taken by a group of Cocker Spaniel mix puppies. The fattest one we saw did not match her brothers and sisters, who were black and looked like purebred cocker pups. This little girl was tan, looked more like a hound, and wriggled her way to the top, taking us immediately with her big brown eyes, puppy kisses and cuteness. A week later she was weaned and I rode home with her in my lap. We had to stop half way, though, for Jason to take a turn.

We got home and placed her in the grass. She was so little, she apparently hadn't learned to walk well, and also had never been in grass, so wasn't sure what to think of the stuff. She quickly got the hang of it and bounded around, tiny little cropped tail in the air, crouching low to pounce. We already had a cat at that point named Spanky, so we decided to call our fat little sweetie Darla, to keep the Our Gang theme going. That night we settled her into her crate downstairs for bed. You can guess that outcome. She slept in bed with me for many years to come.

Darla quickly became the neighborhood favorite. Everyone would stop and "awwww" over her. She was always happy, somewhat precocious, but never truly bad. Well, we did have to replace an entire condo full of carpet thanks to her chewing "phase," and I did find out the hard way more than once that WD40 removes ink stains from carpet (she had a taste for Bic pens), but overall, she was a snuggle bug.

There was no mistake that Darla was a happy dog. She loved everyone. Her tail was too short to adequately wag enough to let people know this, so instead she wagged her entire body. And if you gave her a hug, she would reward you with a fantastic "love grunt' (uuummmppphhhh) and a full body lean (her version of a hug) to let you know she was reciprocating the love. She'd sigh with contentment under my feet as I'd rub her back and work at a desk. She'd romp along side me at the river. She loved to travel (well at least until one fateful day when she fell out of the car - another story for another time), and especially loved weekends with Jason's family, where she would be fed a steady diet of roast beef, mashed potatoes and the occasional McDonald's cheeseburger, which Jason's dad would drive out to get, exclusively for her. She was spoiled rotten, but gracious enough to return the favor by spoiling us with her love, too.

Through the years Darla was my steady and constant friend. When I had a miscarriage, no one could comfort me the way Darla did. I cried and cried with her patiently licking my tears away. When I was pregnant with the girls in later years, she would lay her head on my stomach and listen to her as long as I would allow her to. When I brought each girl home home, the first thing I did was let Darla sniff the baby from head to toe (I think my mom was mortified) - thankfully she gave her approval of each one. When we lost family members she let me cry on her. When I was angry she'd endure my rants about the injustice I'd been served. When I was happy she'd waggle along with me.

When Darla was about six, she lost her eyesight. It didn't stop her. She still chased bubbles she couldn't see (a favorite pastime she and Katie had developed). She "chased" sticks not knowing where they landed, and bounded across our terraced yard without fear. She ran into walls, doors, refrigerators... but she'd always pick herself back up and keep going, wagging and wriggling all the way. She had a tireless spirit that infused our home with happiness, even on the darkest days. She kept my feet warm. She kept my heart happy. She soothed my soul. She was one of the best friends I will ever have, canine or human.

Over the last several months, though, Darla began to lose weight. The lumps that were previously benign throughout her body began to take on new, hard shapes. And then Wednesday I noticed a spot on her belly, and it looked really bad. I took her to the vet and they confirmed my worst fears. Cancer had taken over. We brought her home, made her comfortable with pain killers and I tried to decide when and how to let my dear old friend go.

I spent the last two days agonizing over the decision. I talked with Katie, dealing with her very adult questions from her that I have no clue how to answer adequately. I tried to put things in terms Sadie would understand. I fed Darla every scrap she could possibly want. We snuggled. I got some kisses. I even got a love grunt. But the spot was getting worse rapidly. So today I told the girls we needed to say goodbye. I dropped them off at my parents and headed out for the hardest trip to a vet anyone ever has to make.

I carried my old friend into the vet's office this afternoon, and couldn't keep it together long enough to even tell them what appointment time I had. Tears streamed down my face as I held her, shaking in my arms, until the receptionist could figure out who we were - I didn't have the words for it. We found our way to a room, the doctor reaffirmed that this was the time, and I held her in my arms as she slipped peacefully away. I brought her home, Jason helped me dig a grave, and we laid her to rest. I. Am. Heartbroken.

I wish I could write a beautiful, more fitting tribute to Darla's life - a life that touched my heart and soul to their very core. But I guess that, in itself, is a tribute. That a furry friend could be such a huge member of the family. That she touched our lives, especially mine, so deeply. That she made our lives so much richer simply by her presence. I will miss her so very much.

Darla, 1997 - 2009

A Parting Prayer

Dear Lord, please open your gates and call St. Francis
to come escort this beloved companion across the Rainbow Bridge.

Assign her to a place of honor,

for she has been a faithful servant
and has always done her best to please me.

Bless the hands that send her to you,
for they are doing so in love and compassion,
freeing her from pain and suffering.

Grant me the strength not to dwell on my loss.
Help me remember the details of her life
with the love she has shown me.
And grant me the courage to honor her
by sharing those memories with others.

Let her remember me as well
and let her know that I will always love her.
And when it's my time to pass over into your paradise,
please allow her to accompany those
who will bring me home.

Thank you, Lord,
for the gift of her companionship
and for the time we've had together.

And thank you, Lord,
for granting me the strength
to give her to you now.

The Ex

2009-10-27T20:35:00.000-05:00

I should have posted this weeks ago when it took place.

Bedtime. Katie and I snuggled, chatting and whispering as we tend to do before she falls asleep. And this is the conversation that transpires...

Katie: I have a boyfriend, you know.
Me: Really (not trying to be shocked, but wanting more info)?
Katie: Yes, his name is Jason and he's really smart. He's the only other good kid in class.
Me: Smart nice guys are good.
Katie: I have an ex, too.
Me: (stifling grin) Really, what's that mean?
Katie: You know, an extra boyfriend, in case the first doesn't work out.

And thus karma begins to kick in...

Sick

2009-10-21T16:10:00.001-05:00

First Sadie. Then Katie. With a brief feverish interlude by yours truly that quickly disappeared. Then Katie again. And now back to me. Day three of a fever... ugh.

So I'm forced to sit at home, thinking about lots of things that I've managed to avoid by being busy.

Here's what's been going through my head.

Jason's brother is sick again. I think it's bad. Another growth, pushing his kidneys aside. I'm pretty sure it's cancer, even though the results are still pending.

Jason and I are getting divorced. It's weird to be cool with it - we even joke about things that should not be funny, but are given our current situation. We're both ready, though it's been a long painful process to get here. He's going to be moving out ASAP, meaning when he gets a job and can afford to. For now we're stuck living in the same home, which is tough. We've come to a decent agreement on separation - in fact, we can backtrack the date to the time we officially separated sleeping space in our home (quite some time ago). I could be a 'free' agent as early as April. The girls are taking things pretty well. Katie has lots of questions, but we're both trying to be open and honest with her as we go through this. The kids will live with me, but Jason will have shared custody and see them as much as possible. We'll switch weekends, and have already started doing that.

Speaking of weekends, this is "my" weekend (no kids) so I'm trying to decide what to do. I want to get out and away, but have obligations Sunday, so I guess I'm in town. Maybe KD on Saturday with a friend or something.

Daytime TV sucks. I ended up just leaving it off all day. No interest whatsoever in "real" housewives (who are ironically as fake as one can get), talk shows or watching Rainman for the 400th time.

My work is getting to be too much for me. Three full time jobs, plus keeping the association management company on track with everything, is just too much. So I'm on the prowl for ways to reduce my hours. 70+ hour weeks are no longer fun. Working when sick is even less fun.

I'm wondering where my life will lead over the next year or two. Divorced mom of two. The thought of singlehood is daunting at the moment... though I look forward to moving on with life. Hopefully a new career. At least one new hobby, and a good girl-road-trip to some place I haven't been before, I hope.

Enough honesty into cyberspace. Time to check up on Raymond and see if he's had his date in the elevator yet...

At a Crossroads

2009-10-16T22:04:00.000-05:00

I've been kind of quiet lately. Not just in blogland, but in life, too. Lots of introspection, lots of pondering. To my friends that I regularly talk to, I apologize for the sudden hermit-like behavior.

Life is full of change, we've all lived long enough to at least get that concept at this point. It's ever evolving, and we're along for the ride. Some of us think we can control destiny, some of us think that we're fated for a certain future. I'm kind of in between. I think there's a course, a path, but that we have the power to decide where it leads us. For years I chose to coast along in neutral, letting the 'fates' guide my path. Suddenly, I'm at a crossroads, and it's time to make a decision. Do I get in the drivers seat and take this baby for a spin, or do I continue to coast, content to view the scenery? It's so much safer to coast. But so much more fun to give life a spin...

So yeah. Went out of my way for that metaphor, but that's where I am. It sounds easy laid out like that. Drive, baby, drive - right? But driving is scary. You have to learn new skills, may have to encounter new people. All that stuff. Ok, I'll stop the metaphors. Officially done with them.

Anyway, I'm doing some major introspection, which leaves me little time to write. I've found myself sketching, which I haven't done in YEARS. And I found myself looking at life a bit of a different way. I tend to try (not always doing a good job of it, but I TRY) to put everyone else first. I now have a sign on my fridge saying "What do I want?". And I'm pondering that. What do I want this year? Next? Five years from now? And how am I going to get it?

I'm developing a list. It ranges from rediscovering my creative outlets to providing my kids the music lessons they want. It includes travel, a new career focus, personal growth, new paint in at least three rooms of the house and a kitty. It's a work in progress, needless to say.

Katie's SEVEN!

2009-09-19T21:06:00.000-05:00

Where does time go? You blink, and your baby is a first grader...

Happy birthday to my beautiful not-so-baby girl - I love you so much, and I'm so proud of what a compassionate young lady you are becoming!

Make a Smilebox slideshow

Obama's Speech Tomorrow

2009-09-07T20:50:00.009-05:00

I've got a bit of a bee in my bonnet tonight. So I'm letting it out. I'm so sick to death of the right wing propaganda permeating the airwaves lately. I'm sick of the outright lies, sick of the overwhelming claims being made.

I'm totally in agreement that there are some programs from the Obama administration that need work, or could use improvement. I appreciate both sides for standing up for their perceived rights. But I am 100% over the over-the-top claims about health care being taken over by the government, the new socialist regime and the latest one - that Obama is going to brainwash our children tomorrow and tell them sex is OK during his address to public schools. Such. Utter. BS.

Here's the speech in its entirety. Go ahead, read it. Obama is going to - watch out - tell your kid to stay in school and work hard. He's going to tell them that to achieve anything, they must work hard. Heaven forbid the head of our country reach out to the children and encourage them to succeed. My God, this calls for a revolution.

Don't get me wrong. I know politics plays a part in all of this. Just as they played a part in our race to the moon. But please, tell me what is wrong with the most visibly powerful man in our country encouraging students to succeed?

So, tonight I went to our Hanover (our county's) website to find out when it will be presented. And it turns out it won't be shown to our students tomorrow. Here's what they say...

" Our complete energies must be directed to promoting a productive beginning to the school year for our teachers and children. It is important to support the establishment of new routines and a smooth opening at this pivotal moment.

The Office of the President is to be respected. This is what America’s public schools promote as a basic part of our curriculum. Therefore, rather than showing the speech on the first day of school, the speech will be recorded, instructional materials will be available, and the speech and lessons may be appropriately featured by classrooms electing to use them at a later time. This will allow time for schools to inform parents of existing opt-out procedures."

So let me get this right... kids all need to learn about math, language and science. They must learn about the history of our country, about civic responsibility. Our school board claims to "respect" the office of the President and promote it in curriculum - so shouldn't it, therefore, be included?

Tomorrow about 90% of their days will be spent being introduced to new routines, new faces and with addresses from teachers and principals. They'll probably spend a good chunk just absorbing the new environment and are virtually guaranteed to learn little to nothing beyond a few new names and the location of the nearest restroom. What better time IS there to give a boost talk for the upcoming year? And who better to give such a talk than a black man who rose against the odds to become the leader of our great country - BY democratic election? Did we have an opportunity to opt out our kids when the moon landing took place? How about when the Challenger blew up? When the Twin Towers fell? No, it was important information for them to hear. And this message is, too, because, dammit, most kids aren't getting this message at home. And those do receive this type of encouragement can never be hurt by having it reinforced.

You can bet your butt Katie will be watching this address tomorrow when she comes home from school. And then we will sit down and talk about it. We'll talk about the President's story, about our story, about people we know who work hard and succeed in life - whether they're stay at home moms or professionals, poor or rich. And I'll echo Obama's words to the children he addresses tomorrow, "Make us all proud. I know you can do it."

Saying Goodbye to Paci...

2009-09-06T22:27:00.010-05:00

For the past three months we've been talking to Sadie about her need to give up the beloved pacifier. She finally settled on giving it to her new little cousin, Evan. So, for the last two months, we've been working up to the big third birthday which would mark this momentous occasion. I knew it would be tough, but had no clue how bad it would be... There for a while I was actually worried she may cause permanent damage to her heart the way she was overworking it.

Being the Mom-of-the-Year I am, I decided to record some of it for posterity. A few director's notes before your viewing:

- You may want to turn your volume down before viewing. Waaaayyyy down.
- Not for the weak of heart. Ironic, since she's a heart kid.
- No children were permanently harmed in the making of this video, though it could have caused damage to eardrums for all in the vehicle.
- This was 20 minutes into it. Thus the gagging.
- Katie made the mistake of laughing at the absurdity of the situation (actually I think I started it). Thus the lashing out from Sadie to Katie.
- I do not normally "allow" temper tantrums, but was pretty helpless as we were on I-95. I figured, what the heck, she's strapped in and can't really hurt herself. Ignore it and it will end. Hopefully.
- I briefly considered exorcism, but determined it not to be needed after about 30 minutes, when she finally winded down...

Endnotes:
- Sadie was screaming "it's not funny!"
- Katie is the best big sister ever. In this two minute video alone she tried offering toys, diverting her attention to the pretty clouds and gave her her blanket.
- The windows were opened to ensure adequate oxygen flow, as Sadie seemed to be consuming most of what was in the car.

Bedtime resulted in another 15 minute episode much like this. I ended up putting her in her room and sat against her door as she wailed and banged, crying my eyes out. I hate to take her major source of comfort away, but also realize that it's this, or thousands in orthodontics bills years down the road.

I'll need major strength to get through this week...

Happy Third Birthday Sadie!!!

2009-09-04T07:50:00.000-05:00

Make a Smilebox slideshow

The day this all started...

2009-09-03T12:35:00.001-05:00

Three years ago, almost to the day, I headed to the hospital, thinking I was in labor. They sent me home. A few hours later I came back, and within 7 minutes Sadie entered the world. Then we got the news - she was gravely ill and would require open heart surgery as soon as she could be stabilized.

Before that time I would have never dreamed of blogging and sharing my personal life with the world. Hell, I hadn't even considered that my child could potentially have a heart defect. I didn't know how one second could change your life forever.

Since then I've written about the joys and horrors, the stress and the recovery our family faced in those crucial first months... chronicling hearts torn open and put back together, both figuratively and literally. Then it grew beyond that, to include the hopes and fears for my daughters, then updates for long-distance family and friends to finally, what it is or isn't today - a journal I turn to to release small bits of my brain to the world.

This time of year brings back so many bittersweet memories - the agony of watching Sadie being taken away, not knowing if she made it to UVA alive, the joy of the first moment I hold her, almost a month later. More than anything, my heart sings a song of celebration that overrides those sad memories, though they still persist in the background. Because more than anything, tomorrow is a day of joy over how far Sadie has come and the miracle of her survival.

Summer 2009

2009-08-30T07:21:00.004-05:00

This summer has been an absolute whirlwind. Most of it has been spent in Three Oaks Montessori, working on summer camps (outer space, circus and art fun!), prepping for yet another remodel, adding students and getting the new staff in place and comfortable. We added a Kindergarten program, lots of space and have rearranged everything countless times to find the right flow. It's pretty exciting to see all the progress made, but my goodness, I'm exhausted.

I'm still working full time with association management as well. My two clients are both in interesting places, which takes up more time than ever. That makes a cranky Kim. I try to relive the stress with frequent trips to the pool with the girls. I look forward to the school year starting so that I can focus entirely on the associations and be past the licensing, new employee, remodel stages of the school for the year.

We managed to get a way for a few days with some friends to Outer Banks. Even though I worked about 10 hours while on my two and a half-day vacation (yes, I realize it's a disease) we managed to have some fun. It was great to stand in the surf, though, and completely revitalized me. We enjoyed visiting with our friends, and the kids were too cute as they frolicked in the sand. On the way out we stopped at the Currituck lighthouse in Corolla to take in the view. I love the Outer Banks. In all my travels, it's still one of my favorite spots to be.

This week Sadie turns three. She's been on a huge growth spurt the last week or two, so I'm hoping we can pack away her 24 mos and 2Ts by the time she's 3. She's still tiny as can be, but I think it may just be her makeup. Speaking of makeup - she's obsessed. On her face, arms, legs, with any bit of it she can find around the house. Trouble!

Katie turns 7 in two weeks, and start first grade on the 8th. We find out who her teacher is on Thursday, and I can't wait to see who of her friends are in her class. There are only four first grade classes, so chances are good we'll know a handful of kids in there.

My parents bought a new home, which is exciting news in our family. They're about 15 minutes from our place, which is great. It's a cute Cape with loads of potential, an awesome screened in back porch and a fenced in yard. I'm already planning on sending the kids over the minute they're ready for them... they'll love it!

Loads of other things have happened, but I'll spare the boredom of recounting them. I'm looking forward to reclaiming a 50 hour or less work week starting the week of the 15th and will stick to it. No new businesses, charity stuff or anything else in the brew (yet, anyway - who knows what I'll find to fill those 30 other hours I hope to abandon from the work week).

Stress Factor

2009-08-05T12:37:00.006-05:00

I realize how self-indulgent this blog has become. Ah well, that's what online journaling is all about. Sharing your insane ramblings with a bunch of strangers (and a few friends).

So, more indulgence... I realized late last night that I'm in the 'dead calm zone.' Not good.

See, I have several stages of stress.

Stage I: 'Bitchy zone.' When I have too much to do, the kids have gotten on my last nerve, work is overwhelming, etc. Ye old normal stress response.

Stage II: 'Manic zone' - usually brought on by righteous indignation, financial stress or a big annual meeting. Working a trillion hours to ensure ends are met, results are delivered and causes are underway.

Stage III: 'Dead calm zone' - uh oh, she's about to blow. This happens when stress is so overwhelming that my brain drops to neutral and refuses to budget out of there. The first time I witnessed a terrible accident (stop sign through a person), I discovered this response. I get busy with survival and focus on only that. Later, once the trauma has passed, I come down to a blubbering pile of nerves. This has happened more frequently through the years. Accidents, Sadie's survival struggle, and now, even finances are putting me there.

And sometimes after Stage III, if it's for an extended period, there's post traumatic stress-type crash. Bad news, gonna be tears kind of crash. Dread to get out of bed kind of crash. I've only been there a few times, and it's ugly. I'm terrified of going back, and do everything in my power to avoid getting there.

This week alone I've had major changes. Our lead teacher from Three Oaks last year is moving on - this was to be her last week. I had tons to do to ensure an easy transition to our new instructor who starts on the 15th. Old teacher got sick, and I've been having to run space camp (without curriculum as she forgot to leave it behind), lead the classroom and try to take care of the administrative stuff, as well as my "normal" job of association management. My clients are both struggling like never before. The only other Montessori school in Hanover closed, so parents are calling left and right to find out about our program. I have a board meeting today. I had class from 9-1. Next week I'm teaching on my own again. We have new students coming in. Jason lost his job again. Sadie is going through this God awful stage that makes me want to scream every other minute. My favorite-ever employee moved away last week, meaning one fewer person in the office.

Yesterday my brain was everywhere and I worked about an 18 hour day. Today it's not going anywhere I've put in 6 hours, and have at least 1o more I need to get in. I'm at wits end, thus the mid-day blog, when I should be preparing for a board meeting. I can't find time to get out with friends because of all the work obligations - and that, or the water and running, seem to be the only remedies for this level of stress.

I know, I know, this will pass. But enough already. I'm sick of the constant change. I know that's what life is all about and I can handle a little change, but there has been one major catastrophe or another for three years straight. Two bouts of unemployment, Jason's near death experience, Sadie's near death experience, biopsy for Katie, drug withdrawals with Sadie, family drama with extended members to include blindness, loss of mental function, heart attacks and death, addition of a new business a month prior to an economic collapse... it just keeps raining. I know others have it worse, and I know I should suck it up and not complain. There have been good things too. But really, how much can a girl take. Really!??!

I know more than anything I need a break. I haven't had any work-free weeks since Sadie was born, and I'm long overdue. My last vacation without work was in December 2005. Two days after I had Sadie I was standing outside the PICU on a conference call. Last year we went to Japan for my business, and I spent a huge chunk of the time in meetings or fighting with the contractor back home. I think two days were work free (thank you, Mt. Koya, for your beautiful retreat). Overdue, but there's no end in sight, so I've got to keep plugging until I can get to a point where I can replenish.

(deep breath)

OK, better. Therapeutic writing and a mid-day glass of wine helps a ton.

Who's up for some Xanax?

Nemesisless

2009-08-04T22:00:00.001-05:00

That's me.

Sigh.

What to do now?

The Great Disappearing Act of the Summer of 09

2009-07-28T20:59:00.002-05:00

I've been MIA in blogland most the summer, but with good reason. My work is kicking my butt, and without regular child care during the summer I feel like I'm in a constant upstream battle. Since June I haven't left Richmond except for a few family visits to NoVA and a meeting in DC, from which I promptly returned. I'm dying to get out of here, but alas, vacation is not in the cards this year. Or next the way things are going.

Jason finally found employment, but it's anything but steady and reliable. So he continues to work. Both of my clients are struggling more than ever with the economic climate. I keep finding new things I need to spend money on for the school - a new addition to the driveway for parking, the addition of an ADA accessable bathroom, insurance, yadda, yadda... I feel like every time I call the county or social services it costs a few thousand bucks in new requirements. Take that and add in seven months of unemployment and you have the makings of a lot of fun.

There are lots of changes going on, too. The biggest one is changes in staffing at the school and with MCC, which I'm in knots over. I'm not sure how it will all play out, but I'm hoping that the fall will be less eventful and I can find a way to reduce my workload to 40-50 hour weeks.

So, needless to say, I haven't felt like blogging in my free time. The kids are doing oodles of adorable things to share, but by the end of the day I want to plop in bed with a good book (just finished Shadow of the Wind - incredible!) and ignore the world. I'm sure I'll come out of the blogging slump at some point, but for now, I just can't keep up, so I won't bother with apologies to the 3 folks that still follow along.

I did manage one splurge for the summer - we joined a pool at long last. It's great to take off in the late afternoon, head to the pool and soak up the sun. I'm a much better mom, employer and friend if I can get just an hour in the sun and water a few days a week. Guess I need to move to Florida.

I'll have big updates on the school, happenings in the house and more soon...

On the road again!

2009-07-06T22:13:00.002-05:00

But only to DC this time. Someone should have slapped me when I suggested we'd save money by doing IMPI's symposium locally. I hate DC. Sure, it's nice for a great night of theater, or perhaps a day on the Mall, but overall, dislike it. Mean people. Crappy drivers. Nonstop traffic in every direction.

So I check into the hotel after 7 hours on the road today (from RVA to MD back to DC - should have been more like 4 tops). I'm handed a nifty slip of paper that informs me that a "routine maintenance" will occur between 3 and 5 am tomorrow morning. It's now 9. Crap. The maintenance of course involves fire alarms, power outage and flashing lights. Oddly enough, I've been to this hotel ONCE before, and it resulted in a 5:30 am fire-alarm wake up call. I'm not a fan of this hotel now. It's official.

I retire to my room and wait an hour for the usual bottle of wine to appear (when you give the hotel 60 or so thousand dollars of business they usually give you a bottle of wine and perhaps a cheese tray) and finally give up at 10:15, get in the PJs and start working. Of course then the knock comes... 10:17.

A 2006 Cab... not bad, but not to die for. It can wait for another night. But this tray of, um, stuff. Now this I must investigate. A brown squishy object, lumpy greyish glob, soggy biscotti and some squishy pecans. Now this is a new one.

Of course I have to try it all anyway. Squishy brown object is perhaps a spiced pear, aged 1 month. Greyish glob is applesauce, and not the good kind. Soggy biscotti... well, it's soggy. Pecans - one bite and I spit it out. And I do NOT spit out food. Gagging and looking for comfort, my eyes settle on the bottle of wine.

Wine in hand, I return to my beloved PJ's, log onto the computer (no free WiFi? What is this, 2002?!). But I figure, eh, what the heck. I'll be up at 3 am anyway... might as well call it a night, screw around on FaceBook and write a blog entry. I'm so far behind on work that another three to four hours will make no difference.

With that I'm off... another fabulous week of international meeting intrigue officially under way. At least there's no opportunity for lost luggage this go round.

Grief is Strange

2009-06-23T15:05:00.003-05:00

Sometimes you think you've moved on, that the process wasn't as bad as you feared, etc. Then some days it drops on you like a load of bricks.

In the process of cleaning out office files and old emails, I came across a few notes from Amanda. Stupid, silly, snarky stuff. And I completely teared up and felt like I'd taken a left hook from out of nowhere.

I frickin' HATE cancer.

Growing Up

2009-06-15T20:40:00.004-05:00

Like it or not, I've suddenly been faced with the reality that I am a grownup. I don't know when it happened, it just kind of snuck up in there. True, most people realize this in their 20s, but I'm a bit slow, I guess. Despite owning a home at the ripe old age of 21 and taking on progressive levels of responsibility ever since, it never really hit me that I was really, truly grown.

Kids came along, and I have relished reliving childhood memories (and creating new ones for them), but still, did not feel adultish.

I started a couple of businesses. Now I was stressed. But still not grownupish.

And Sadie was born with her complexities and my eyes were opened to a whole new world of struggles, sick children and even those lost. Friends started getting cancer and strokes. I lost a childhood friend of 20 years. I went into this suddenly adult world kicking and screaming, not ready for it. So I ignored it.

And yesterday, I became a grand-aunt. Seriously. And suddenly, very strongly, I feel grown up. And I don't want to be.

I don't want the whiskers that have suddenly popped up on the side of my face. What is that about? I am not thrilled that my body suddenly decided not to support my current lifestyle and eating habits. And I'm disturbed when the teens at concerts talk about bands as "old school" (No Doubt - REALLY? Old School?!) when telling me they enjoy the show. Not. Cool.

So I'm going to pout about it. That'll show you, adulthood. Ppppphhhhbt!

Harlie

2009-06-08T08:00:00.006-05:00

One of the wonderful friends I've made since my move to Richmond is Christy, mom to three. Her middle child, Harlie, has been mentioned here several times before - her medical needs are huge. I so admire Christy, who I swear should have an honorary PhD in pediatric medicine. She can juggle a creeping infant and talkative five year old all while suctioning her trached two and a half year old daughter. The woman has cleaned more puke than any full time nurse, attended to countless wounds and can plug in oxygen and a feeding in no time flat. Yeah, she deserves lots of gold stars.

I'm thinking of her today, as she sits, again, in a hospital, waiting for a surgery. I've only had to be through major surgery with a child once, and I can tell you, no matter how tough you are, it's so hard. So, so hard. Christy's sat in that OR waiting room more times than I care to think about (I think this is number 11).

What a lot of people don't get about a major surgery like this is that the surgery, itself, isn't the scariest part necessarily. It's the recovery road. Christy had to pack not knowing how long she'd stay. Planning for the unknown is an impossible and daunting task. It really is too much to ask of a mom, but yet you don't get a choice in the matter. I think Christy does a fantastic job handling the hand she's been dealt, even if she thinks she doesn't.

So say a little prayer for Harlie today as she undergoes yet another surgery (this one's open heart). And, just as importantly, send a little good mojo to Christy and her family!

UPDATE: Harlie did well in surgery, though they were unable to do all they hoped because her heart is so complicated. She woke up briefly afterward and signed a bit with her parents. Should be home in two weeks or so if recovery goes well!

News on the Home Front

2009-05-18T20:35:00.005-05:00

First of all, congrats to my friends the Stevens on their new little girl! Welcome baby Rebecca! Can't wait to meet her...

I've sucked at blogging lately - life seems to be in overdrive lately. I can't wait for the summer and a break from at least one of the businesses for a couple of weeks. Until then, you're forced to endure bullet points and brief tidbits:

The Toothless Wonder. Katie lost her first tooth last Monday. She's got this phenomenal lisp that makes me want to reel over with laughter everytime she says something that starts with an "s". I've got to get it on video. She's so cute I can hardly stand it.
Bye Bye Toddler. And helloooo preschool diva Sadie. All those words she didn't utter over the past few months that led me to worry endlessly about her 'milestones' are left by the wayside. This girl can talk. Just this past week she told me that something was 'incredible' and that Carly was 'ferocious'. She's still refusing to wear any shoes other than her purple butterfly rain boots. Style by the mile, this one.
I HEART Hanover. Though sometimes too backroads for me and often requiring a good ol' boy network card to get a word in, Hanover County came through in flying colors for our little school. Supervisor Elton Wade was a phenomenal support, was attentive when I called him with our issues and went to bat for increasing the options (and quality) of preschools in Hanover. Debbie Coats was also a huge support. It was interesting to watch the inner workings of county government in action - perhaps you'll find me at a board meeting again (in my free time, right?!). Anyway, we got approval to expand onsite to 13 kids (plus my own) next year. We've got 11 spots filled and a hefty waiting list to follow up with!
Smarty Pants. I decided to pull out the little mini-pond in the back yard to clean it, and recess it a bit further into the ground. I saw a vine, grabbed it with my bare hands and yanked it out. As I wiped some sweat from my eye I looked down at the weed I'd pulled I discovered (no need for drumroll on this one) it was poison ivy. I threw it over into the crazy neighbor's yard and promptly washed my hands and face. Guess I didn't get my eye well enough because I awoke the next day to a disaster of a face. It spread behind my ears, on my chest, in my (ahem) nether regions and everywhere else. The doctor gave me two shots in the rear last Friday, yet I continue to fester. I haven't worn makeup in a week. And I look oh so pretty. Really, I do.

The Forum

2009-05-12T23:02:00.003-05:00

I have some blog posts I wrote on the plane I'll have to back post when I have time, but for now, I wanted to pass on that I'm free again! For a month at least...

The 10th Annual Consumer Trends Forum (aka "my baby") went off well this past week, with Jeremy Gutsche of TrendHunter.com kicking off the event with a keynote. I was extremely nervous when he went on stage - our most expensive speaker he was my pick, and my push, for the keynote. I was nervous his youth would be cliche and trends would be stale. I will admit that I cringed when he started his warm up with a bass-thumping video with text overlays I cringed. I darted glances around the room at my Boomers to see if they were already casting him off as fluff. My stomach turned thinking he would try to motivate without delivering the goods on trends, and the tools we need to translate them into innovation. Luckily for me, it turns out the guy was not only NOT fluff, but intelligent, motivating and even, dare I day, inspiring. He left with a darn near perfect score from our very diverse group of trend watchers. Check out his picks for 2009's trends....

The rest of the Forum went well, and I left with some great insights from SlowFood USA, Google, the Center for Culinary Design and other well-respected trend leaders from across the nation. All in all a good week, and a great way to conclude a taxing year of meeting planning for the event.

Now to start planning for next year... how can we top it?!

Having babies

2009-04-28T21:06:00.003-05:00

Katie told me tonight that she doesn't want to have kids, she just wants to babysit. When I asked her why (assuming it's the pain factor - she's discussed that quite a bit lately) she told me something I didn't expect.

She said it's because mommies have to work to hard and don't get to rest much. She doesn't want to be like me, having to work and take care of kids all the time without very much sleep.

*Sniff.*

I need to set a better example.

I'm about to blow

2009-04-21T20:50:00.002-05:00

I'm trying to hold my crap together, but in all honesty, I'm about to lose it. The past few months have been trying and I feel that if one more thing were to drop, one more catastrophe hit, that I will just not be able to function any more. And then the next shoe drops.

Perhaps it's the four jobs that I'm juggling simultaneously. It could be the overwhelming pressure I feel to find new sources of income, such as agreeing to write an eBook on a topic I have zero interest in. It could be the simple pressures of managing a household. Maybe it's the pressure I feel when trying to find creative ways to pay bills when our income has been decimated by job loss for over four months - something I'd never accounted for in my worst case financial plans. Could be the financial demise of both of my clients, my main sources of income. Perhaps the crap Hanover county is putting me through to get a special exception to operate a home-based business? Or social services hoops required for licensing? To find time for the girls - quality time - in the midst of all of it. Or the grief over losing a long time friend. The death of a marriage. Yeah, I said it. Those of you closest to me already know, but throw it into the mix.

I am desperate for a way to escape it all, but I know escape isn't the answer. I have to somehow find a way to take on and tackle each of these, and the million smaller burdens they bring along. I guess my issue at the moment is figuring out how to handle even one, let alone all of them, simultaneously.

Ut Prosim...

2009-04-16T08:20:00.005-05:00

"That I May Serve." Take a moment today honor the memory of those we lost at Virginia Tech two years ago today. Remember the families that suffered the ultimate loss. The friends. The classmates. Those still trying to pick up the pieces today.

I choose to remember by devoting part of my day to service to others, in their honor. I hope you will too. We are Hokies, we will prevail!!

Hitting a wall...

2009-04-08T21:55:00.004-05:00

There are times that I just hit a wall. It's a natural process we all go through, I know, but some times the wall seems a bit higher than others.

The past few months have been incredibly challenging in so many ways. I've found myself digging deeper within for strength to simply get up some mornings. It's not like I'm going through more than anyone else, it's just that, for some reason, I'm struggling right now. Doors are being closed all around me, and I'm stuck in a bit of limbo, waiting for new ones to open. I'm not a very patient person by nature, so the waiting is starting to bite at me. I keep trying new doorknobs and they're locked... one day one will open, I'm sure.

I'm having a hard time trying to find time to write, let alone get what I want out. Most of it I don't want to share with cyberspace, let alone many of my closest friends. So, hang in there. I'll be back to my normal self one day soon. Or maybe not. Either way, better blog posts will be in the works.

By the way, Amanda's send off was great. It was so nice to reconnect with friends old and new to say goodbye to one helluva great friend. A gaping hole is left in cyberspace and my circle of friends, but I'm better for have knowing her.

My Mascot for the 10K

2009-03-29T07:09:00.004-05:00

I've got to admit, I've been a bundle of tears the last few days. Though I knew I'd likely lose an old friend, I still held out hope for a miracle, and was unprepared for her departure. If I had to play a morbid game on what friend I would lose first in my life, I would never have chosen Amanda. She was so strong, so vibrant. Yet she is gone.

I had wanted to run in her honor this year, and was an emotional wreck Friday worried about making her proud. I wanted a way to express it, but didn't want to be gooey - she would hate that. So I made a simple tee, complete with some childhood memories - a copy of her signature from high school, symbols she'd sign off with. It was therapeutic in a way, allowing time to go through our old notes and photos and letting myself feel the loss of an old friend.

I made it through the 10k, intact with no tears. In fact, I clocked in at 1:11:43, a personal best, shaving 10 minutes off of my time last year. Much of that is thanks to my running mate, Tanya, who brought out my competitive streak and kept me going. The majority of it was because of my mascot, an angel-winged zombie warrior, who flew ahead of me in my mind, egging me through the race, making me keep my word on running in her honor. I just couldn't let her down.

I thought I may be emotional when I passed Amanda's family, waving at her husband and blowing kisses to her son. Instead it gave me a renewed energy, and helped me to push even harder, and I found slight relief from the heavy grief in my heart. Several times I had cold shivers, and would imagine it was her way of telling me she was with me. The visualizations worked and pushed me to perform to the best of my abilities.

I kept tears at bay all day until later, when I wanted to tell someone about my time. And I realized the only person I wanted to tell was no longer with us.

A Parable of Immortality

2009-03-27T08:06:00.002-05:00

Trying to balance the grief and the joy of having been privileged to call Amanda my friend, I found myself searching poetry, looking for meaning, for an explanation of my soul's song last night. This poem was one that spoke to my heart.

"A Parable of Immortality"
– Henry van Dyke

I am standing by the seashore.
A ship at my side spreads her white sails to the morning breeze
and starts for the blue ocean.
She is an object of beauty and strength,
and I stand and watch
until at last she hangs like a speck of white cloud
just where the sun and sky come down to mingle with each other.

Then someone at my side says, 'There she goes!
Gone where? Gone from my sight - that is all.

She is just as large in mast and hull and spar
as she was when she left my side
and just as able to bear her load of living freight
to the places of destination.
Her diminished size is in me, not in her.

And just at the moment when someone at my side says,
'There she goes! ' ,
there are other eyes watching her coming,
and other voices ready to take up the glad shout :
'Here she comes!'

Happy Trails Amanda... I'll miss you.

2009-03-26T00:29:00.003-05:00

Saturday I had planned on running in Amanda's honor. Sadly, I'll be running with her memory, instead. Tonight that young, old friend spread her wings and left me behind in the dust. Though she's been sick for a long time, the loss was still sudden, and I feel blindsided - unready to say goodbye.

I've spent all evening reading old notebooks full of our childhood scribbles. Looking through scrapbooks and photos. Wishing she were by my side to laugh with me at our antics, terrible senses of style (hers was WAY cooler than mine, even back then) and countless secret phrases about anything and everything. I can't think of what to do to memorialize her, to really say what I need to say - to cut to the heart of how much I'll miss her.

So instead, I offer up a list of my top 10 favorite moments, ones that embodied a friendship that lasted a lifetime, and will last beyond.

(sung to "Yesterday" by McCartney) "Leprosy... all my skin is falling off of me... I'm not half the man I used to be, oh I can't live, with leprosy" - Our response to the demand for a church camp skit.
Stupid elevator games, to freak people out.
The one and only movie I've ever walked out of - The crying game. We bolted after a few scenes and headed for another theater.
Convincing my parents The Cure was a Christian rock band so that I could go to the concert with her. A lie I'll never regret (sorry Mom).
Amanda and Adrian's wedding. Never in my years of friendship had I seen Amanda so happy. To this day, I've never seen another couple so well matched, so in love, so perfect for each other. My heart aches for his loss.
Singing a duet to "Our God" - man I thought we rocked on harmonizing that. I used to get goosebumps over how good we were. Ha! (Amanda was a great singer, I was not). I still think of her when the TV commercials for "inspirational" songs come on with that tune.
Inscribing our memories into the rafters at the top of the girls' bathroom at our camp. I need to take a trip out there to see if they're still there. Although it would kill me if they weren't.
Fruit Loop Prostitute and Honeycomb Hooker. I won't bother to explain.
Skipping out to 7-11 for Blueberry New York Seltzers. I think the two of us alone should have been enough to keep the brand alive.
Alastair... her legacy. Sharing pregnancy stories, birthin' fun and mommy pride.

There are so many more. Almost 20 years worth of friendship can't be caught in ten bullet points. But I'm overflowing with emotion right now, so this will suffice.

See ya in Wonderland, Alice. I'm going to miss you.

Kid News

2009-03-24T21:26:00.002-05:00

Because you care...

Sadie's officially potty trained - hooray! She's made it two days with only accidents while sleeping (actually, no accidents today). It only took about two months of potty requests every 30 minutes or so. Piece of cake (ha!).

Sadie's latest bed time routine is to force Jason or I to lie in bed with her and "tuddle". She gives kisses and hugs, pecks on the nose, strokes our hair and sometimes sings "Tinkle Tinkle Wittle Star" or "Some-whayw Ober da Rainbow". Then she turns over and says "I'm done sleeping with you," which is your clue to get out of the toddler bed you just folded yourself into and leave.

Soccer's back in season! Katie's on a team with two of her favorite friends this year - both boys. Already she's playing better than last year, and loving her team. Last year our team had a whiner or two, which quickly became a cancer in the group - all the kids whined and cried throughout the season. Day one of practice, and they were rockin' and rolling this year. We switched over to Dynamo from Richmond Strikers, and love the organization and direction they offer. Big change - for the better.

Katie has apparently inherited my entrepreneur gene. She's started a club for kids her age, which she designed herself. She wants it to "be fun at first, then maybe someday she'll have lots of them and make money like you[I] do." Poor thing - if only she knew how little I made from my endeavors she'd run screaming the other way.

Equal Exchange Fundraiser for Three Oaks

2009-03-11T08:31:00.003-05:00

OK, shameless plug here.

Three Oaks Montessori (our little preschool) is hosting it's first ever fundraiser through Equal Exchange, a fair-trade cooperative that creates a direct, transparent food system that empowers small-scale farming communities throughout the world. In a world full of Walmart distribution and ownership, small-scale, local and organic farmers struggle to compete. Our students learned about the continents this past month, tying in the theme with our fundraiser.

So, if you'd like to buy any items, we have the following for sale. I've sampled most, and can vouch for them (especially the cranberries, coffee and chocolate) - they are outstanding!

5 oz Cranberries
Whole, juicy cranberries infused with organic sugar and slowly kiln-dried to preserve every last bit of flavor. $ 7.

5 oz Pecans
Plump pecans are perfectly roasted and salted to bring out their full flavor characteristics. $7.

Organic Green Tea, 25 bags per box
A healthy and invigorating tea made from premium unfermented Darjeeling tea. Popular for its antioxidant qualities and low level of caffeine. $4.

Coffee, Organic Mind, Body & Soul
Medium & Vienna Roast, 12 oz. A smooth blend with mild acidity and characteristics reminiscent of dark chocolate. $10.

Only a few items remain of each, so they're first come, first served. Thanks for any interest, and sorry for the commercial!

Birthday Fun

2009-03-09T07:50:00.000-05:00

Sunday was my birthday, and it was one of my best (at least Saturday night was!). My sister planned an awesome little surprise party, full of some of my favorite people. I had a blast hanging out, visiting with friends and just letting loose. So much fun, in fact, that I woke up Sunday feeling a bit blue that it was over so quickly.

The past year was one of my toughest in so many ways. I took risks that didn't pay off, stuck around when I should have walked away. Ran away when I should have clung on. Made more mistakes than may seem humanly possible, yet learned more about myself and why I'm here. I'm not sure where I'll end up from all the experiences, but feel forces of change working in me to open up parts of me that have been dormant for years. Nothing like a good kick in the butt to get you to re-examine your path in life, I guess. And a few good self-help books to get you back on the right track. Blah, blah, I'll stop now.

So, another year under the belt. I look forward to the year ahead with both excitement and trepidation. There are a lot of changes in the months ahead (aren't there always?). I'm not ready to talk about them, but suffice it to say I'm hanging on for the ride of a lifetime. Great things are in the works, some things are complete unknowns and others are ripe with emotion. I can't even write or verbalize at the moment, so if I seem distant, please bear with me. I'll be back in time.

Snow Much Fun!

2009-03-03T18:18:00.005-05:00

Look Mommy - SNOW!

Yipee!!!!

Our backyard the next morning - we woke up to 9" of snow.
Carly Sparkles Crystal loved jumping through the drifts.

Don't let the smile fool you. Sadie loved the deep snow for about 10 seconds. Then she erupted in nonstop screams all day - the snow was so deep that it came almost to her waist. Every time she fell she couldn't get back up. She was like a turtle turned over on its shell - except much, much louder.

Time for some sledding fun!

Katie the snowgirl.

Why one should not use blowpops for a short snowman's eyes.

Our Snowman 09 - go Hokies!!

Over the past three days we've sledded, had snow ball fights, drank at least a gallon of hot cocoa and built the best snow woman (Katie insisted) ever. I'm exhausted, but in that warm, fuzzy good way that comes from too much outdoor fun!

Hooray for Second Opinions!

2009-02-24T13:14:00.002-05:00

Today was specialist day - first the cardiologist for Sadie, followed immediately by ENT/plastic surgery for Katie. For the first time in a long time I can say that both went fantastically!

After a lot of deliberation (2 1/2 years worth, to be exact) I finally took the plunge in switching cardiologists. I had a certain amount of sentimental attachment to our previous pediatric cardiologist simply because of the road we had gone down together. That said, he often was abrupt, failed to provide the full picture and belittled my questions. He's a great doctor, but just not the right fit for us. So, we moved on to Dr. Allen with the MCV group today. What a big difference!

Dr. Allen spent time reviewing Sadie's case, clarifying some muddy areas for us and talking about her recent blue spells. It turns out it's fairly normal, and a benign condition. She's just one of those kids that do this - not because of her heart issue. Her heart, he declared, is beautiful - a prime example of one of the best switch operations he's seen. Her anatomy was such that it made the switch an "easy" (if there is such thing!) operation, and he thought Dr. Peeler, her surgeon, had done an outstanding job. All good news! I was shocked with the amount of time he spent with us in reviewing her history and today's echo. Kristen, you're right, LOVE him! Thanks to all my heart friends who recommended the switch. I felt a bit like a "cheater," but after today's experience know I made the right decision. The sum up for the visit? Sadie's heart healthy and raring to go!

After dropping off Sadie at Three Oaks and picking up Katie from her school, we headed over to the ENT office for a second look at the bump on her face. I hadn't been satisfied with the "we think it's this" answer I got previously, and was not at ALL satisfied with "anyone can perform the surgery." I love the doctor who told us these things, but couldn't rest easy with either answer. So, we asked one of his colleagues who is an ENT and Plastic Surgeon (Dr. Burke) to take a look and possibly perform the surgery. One look, and the charming (did I mention British accent?!) Dr. Burke felt it is not pilomatrixoma. Based on the lab pathology, texture and appearance, he thinks it may be an infection of the lymph nodes caused, possibly, by MAC (which is neither a virus or bacterial infection). We're going to take the less invasive approach of doing up to four weeks of a different antibiotic to see what happens. He was hesitant to perform surgery on the location due to it's proximity (or possible location of) the salivatory glands and lymph nodes.

Slowly I'm becoming a more educated advocate for my kids. I'm realizing I don't have to run home and look up words that weren't explained (I can ask), and that I don't have to trust the first opinion I get. It was harder to get to that point than I realized - I think, though I like to believe otherwise, that I have a really tough time with change. I didn't want to hurt either physician's feelings or imply that they were wrong - yet if I hadn't taken that leap we'd be in surgery on Monday and I'd be worried to death with Sadie's every sign of cyanosis. Progress, baby. Progress!

The results are in...

2009-02-19T23:05:00.005-05:00

Katie's biopsy results came in last week. Over the phone the nurse told us that the results showed a benign growth, but that an appointment with our doctor would be needed for further discussion. So I pretty much knew what was coming when we got to the ENT's office this afternoon.

I guess I haven't previously posted what's going on with her. She had a red bump appear on the side of her face in early November... her pediatrician noticed it and asked about it. I had seen it too, and assumed it was a pimple or bug bite. Then I noticed a small black "spot" in the center of it - barely a speck. December was a whirlwind, but I noted that the bump began to change, turning purplish-red. The pediatrician put her on antibiotics to get rid of whatever the culprit was (and at the same time kill the strep she was in that month for). Late December came and the bump was more pronounced and the pediatricians referred us to an ENT. The ENT took one look and sent us for a biopsy - he said he frankly had no idea what it was.

The good news is that the infected-looking nodule on the side of Katie's face is not malignant, however it is a tumor. They suspect it's a case of pilomatrixoma, a tumor "composed of cells resembling those of the hair matrix, which undergo 'mummification' and may calcify." It doesn't look quite like what our doctor has seen and it's developed rather quickly, but he's young, so I take that with a grain of salt. I'm beginning to get used to being the screwballs with the "rare" presenting case.

Dr. Sally was wonderful in talking to us at a level that was over her head when needed, but at her level for what she needed to know. He made one fatal error though - he said "operation" instead of "excision" at one point in the conversation. Katie was a ball of nerves from that point on, breaking down into tears the moment he left the room.

I don't think any kids are thrilled about the prospect of an operation, even a "minor" one such as this. Katie, however, is terrified of them. One has to remember her short little life's experiences with operations and the scars they left, the stress on the person and those around them, etc.

As a parent one never knows the right way to comfort kids. In this case, I just let go and let her get it out. We've been talking about it all night. Really, it's not a major surgery - it's minor in the grand scheme of all thing surgical. In fact, I'm thinking it might be outpatient, but I'm unsure as it does require full anesthesia. But for Katie it's scary as hell, so I'm working on validating her feelings but at the same time educating her on what, exactly, will happen and how very different it is from her frames of reference. I'm sure to screw her up somehow, but I hope it's not on this one.

I think I need to sell our story. Our freaky health cases are at least good enough for an episode or two (or three) of House.

OK my medical-world friends, I have a quest for you. I asked the doc where the best place to go for her surgery was, and he said it didn't matter, anyone could do this - scarring would occur no matter who does it, but it will be a small one (1 inch or so I think). Still, I've learned not to trust doctors on their referrals or lack thereof. I trust my friends who've been through these things much more. Suggestions? Anywhere/one I should avoid?

Counting Out Change

2009-02-14T09:59:00.003-05:00

I was at Hallmark this morning, getting a last minute card, rushing through the motions of a commercial holiday I'm not a huge fan of. I got into line to pay, seconds behind an elderly man.

He placed a single card on the counter. "This is for my true love," he said to the cashier with a wink. "Today is our anniversary!" The cashier asked the obligatory "how many years?"

Seventy one.

He pulled change out of his pocket, and began to count it. As he did he mentioned that time went too fast. Next week they are moving into a retirement home. Things changed, but one thing remained the same, their love.

Tears filled my eyes when he looked at me and smiled his little old crooked smile and wished me a happy Valentines.

I got in the car and drove away, trying to hold back tears for so many reasons. I wished I'd asked him more. I wanted to know his life story. I imagined their moving through the times, life.

But most of all, I thought of the change he used - mostly nickels and dimes, to pay for that Hallmark card. One by one, adding them slowly as I took in the moment. Now that, my friends, was a Valentine to remember.

Happy Heart day!

C'mon... enough already!

2009-02-11T23:54:00.003-05:00

Sadie's still not up to par. We're trying to get her into a new cardiologist ASAP.

Tonight we had plans to have dinner with some friends. On the way out the door Katie let it known that she has contracted the stomach bug going around her school. Poor thing has thrown up 7 times in 6 hours.

Really, the sick stuff is enough. I'm SOOO ready for spring!

I'll have to back post some CHD-related items later... too worn out tonight.

Double Guessing Yourself

2009-02-10T21:34:00.003-05:00

It's funny the timing of things...

When my kids get sick, I have a tough time gauging how really sick they are. If there's a fever, I usually take them into their pediatrician for a look. I often feel like a hypochondriac. What can I say, I've developed a distrust of the medical community in general, which has been combined with my tendancy to worry. With reason (Sadie's many medical mishaps and oversights, Jason's recent brush with death), I know, but a worrier none the less.

There's a flip side to that. Being a rational person and recognizing the current stress levels and prior experience, I often discount my gut and ignore symptoms until situations escalate further than they should.

The past 6-8 weeks is a great example of what I'm talking about. The experience at the hospital with Jason left me feeling I couldn't trust the simple diagnosis any longer. I ended up taking Sadie in a few days after his initial visit - to the ER no less - because she had 5 or so similar symptoms to his presenting illness. Her pulse ox then was around 94. They said it was likely because she has a heart defect and had been sick. I dismissed the episode of being one of neurosis and exhaustion.

The kicker is, Sadie hasn't really been well since that time. She's been OK, still full of spunk, but not quite at full steam. She's had several episodes of labored breathing, but in conjunction with a cold, congestion or a nasty cough. She just hasn't seemed to shake it. I've noted three seperate times that her nailbeds were a bit bluish. I chalked it up to her coughing and congestion. I thought perhaps it was pneumonia, it wasn't. Bronchitis, nope. I had lots of ideas, but never once allowed myself to think about the heart as being part of the issue. Yet, inside, I've been in turmoil, worried that something bigger is being missed. I tell myself it's because I'm surrounded by CHD-related things right now, and over vigilent with her. T

Today was visit #6 in 3 weeks for Sadie to the doctor. We saw one of our favorites, and she took a lot of time, checking her pulse ox, listening to her heart and lung function, asking the right questions. She felt Sadie was, indeed, experiencing periods of cyanosis ("blue" syndrome - when the body doesn't oxygenate as well as it should. Which shouldn't be happening based on her reports from the cardiologist. (Guess who's switching cardiologists after we're over this hump?)

An uneducated guess is that perhaps Sadie's pulmonary hypertension was never really resolved as her cardiologist told us over two years ago (without checking for further symptoms no less). I always ask for her doctors to check at her pulse ox at well visits (it's a simple, fast and "free" test), and usually it's 98-100, but when she's ill, it easily drops to lower 90s. If she's really sick, it's in the upper 80s.

I know it's nothing "serious" compared to the many challenges some of my friends face. I feel silly, to be honest, when I worry about Sadie's heart. My heart friends have children who on a GOOD day are in the upper 80s for sats. So I have a hard time feeling urgency with my child, who is often called "fixed" in the CHD community.

I feel like this is a bit of a push from above. A reminder that I'm on the right track in working to create some change for CHD patients and their families. And an even more poignant reminder to trust my instincts as a parent. To calm the brain, and let the gut do the talking when it comes to their healthcare.

Side note - I really missed Lobby Day today!

CHD Awareness Week Day 2, 2009

2009-02-09T22:03:00.002-05:00

I'm totally bummed I can't make it out to CHD Lobby Day tomorrow. Sadie's got something that looks a lot like pneumonia, PLUS my lead teacher is sick at the school. Feeling a bit blue about it.

Check out yesterday's CHD Blog entry if you haven't. It's by a friend, Josie, (5 Minutes is the title) and it's amazing. If you're a parent who's ever been through a life-death situation with a child, you will totally relate.

That's all I've got in me tonight. I've got my mind on lots of people who need support and energy for tomorrow - the Reynolds family (daughter Charlotte, 3, has brain tumor) and my friend Christy and yet another big appointment for Harlie tomorrow. Send some good mojo their way.

Awareness Week

2009-02-08T21:49:00.005-05:00

It's CHD Awareness Week again! In the past year I've met many heart patients and parents, medical staff and support groups, many of whom I know will be lifelong friends. I created the CHD Blog (check out today's entry - an amazing post by my friend Josie!) as a neutral information dissemination tool, and it's really taken off. But I wanted to do more.

This time last year I, for the life of me, could not understand why there were such paltry efforts at a national awareness campaign. I didn't get why there were so many groups, with animosity between some.

Well, now I know. I jumped in full steam last year, volunteering with a variety of groups, testing the waters to find out who was out there, what they were doing and how I could help. I worked on national efforts for cohesion and strength within the groups. I spent a lot of time trying to mend fences and bring people together. I spent even more time behind the scenes working on projects that no one else had "time" to address. And in the end, after all the work put in, I threw my hands up in frustration and stepped back away from most of the groups I'd so willingly jumped in to help. Why? What caused me to back away from something I feel so strongly about?

I've been asking myself that very question. And I think I hit upon the answer My efforts last year didn't amount to a hill of beans in the bigger picture. In the process of giving my time and energy, I encountered many negative people who diverted my attention from the reason I'm working so hard at this. And in that, momentum was lost. I wonder how many others have walked that same path - I know I'm not alone.

And so this year, I'm readjusting my focus. My pledge for the next year is to find new and innovative ways to contribute. To surround myself with positive and hopeful heart warriors like myself and to ensure that my efforts are more guided and focused, really targeting and impacting the need for awareness, which in turn will lead to greater advocacy in the health and government systems and stronger research funding. I think I'm on the right path, and feel good about that.

As with last year, I'll be posting an entry every day, CHD related, during CHD Awareness Week. This year will be a bit different from last - no long lists, no big plans. Just open talk and interesting articles about life with CHD. And to kick off the week, I'd like to share a video that's been circulating lately...

She's a Dancing Machine

2009-02-03T22:19:00.006-05:00

After a week of fighting a mutant virus and a not-so-fun biopsy today, Katie was granted the privilege to do anything she wanted tonight. I braced myself for shoe shopping, a horrid children's movie or dinner at the dreaded CiCi's, but her request surprised me. An at-home dance party followed by ice cream sundaes. This, I could happily provide.

But, as the evening wore on, I wore down. It was a long day, week, month. I just didn't feel like dancing. I knew I had to follow through though, so after dinner we went about our preparations - moving all the furniture out of the way to make room for our disco arena. The music came on. Sadie broke out some smooth new moves she's acquired of late. Katie astonished me with knowing a large portion of "867-5309" (really, she barely knows her own phone number!). And I found myself in stitches, working the grocery cart, getting jiggy with the cabbage patch and doing some ad hoc instruction on grapevine basics (hilarious with a two-year old).

It didn't take long to wear everyone out. The girls created their own sundaes, complete with everything from Magic Shell to whipped cream and sprinkles. Then we all collapsed and watched some Tom and Jerry reruns, getting in a few tickle fights and some cuddling before bed.

Really, does life get any better than this?

And so, my first real resolution of the new year... - Dance, Dance, Dance!

Blog Interview...

2009-02-02T21:02:00.004-05:00

A week or so ago, I was offered a chance to participate in The Blogger Interview, and took the challenge laid down by Steve (the awesome co-blogger at The CHD Blog) on Adventures of a Funky Heart. Now it's my turn to paste here and offer someone else the chance to get in on the fun! This one is heavy on the CHD side... I'm gearing up for CHD Awareness week (Feb 7-14!). Your interview could be about anything...!

The rules: The interview(er) (me) gets to ask you five questions. You answer, I post it on my blog. You also post on your blog, FaceBook or wherever, and become the interviewee for another friend/colleague. Who wants an interview? I can do some creative questioning!! ;)

Were you a blogger before you created the CHD Blog?

Yes, I have a personal blog, Herding Cats, that I created immediately after my daughter was diagnosed with a CHD. The hospital I was at didn’t tell me about Caring Bridge or CarePages, so I winged it - I created a blog to keep family and friends informed. It was a great way to vent, to organize my thoughts and to share news without having to repeat myself. Since then, it’s grown into a sounding board and a way to stay in touch with friends and family outside my immediate area. I started and just can’t stop! It’s the cheapest form of therapy I’ve found to date.

The CHD Blog was born last year on a whim. I realized only a couple of weeks before February that there was a CHD awareness week. I wanted to do something. When my daughter was diagnosed, I felt alone in a vast sea… even the Internet couldn’t provide the answers I craved. The connections I wanted. Or a quick resource to get the information I needed. I thought that perhaps a portal could be created that was not affiliated with any organization, completely (or mostly) unbiased and for the general public’s consumption. That’s why the CHD Blog was born.

What have you learned from other Heart Moms and Dads?

I’ve learned how to advocate for my child. Coming into the world of acute care for the first time, I still held the ancient belief that the medical community knew much more than I did. While they do know more about specific diseases, organs, etc., they do not know my children. Only I can truly advocate for their needs.

I’ve also gained a support network I never knew I needed. I’m not much one for “support groups.” I don’t like group activities per se. Yet I have met incredible men and women both virtually and in person that have walked down similar paths. It’s hard to relate all of your feelings about “that” road we parents (or you patients) have been down. I didn’t even realize many of the emotions I harbored. Having friends that have walked similar paths in life really does make a difference.

What’s a routine day around your house like?

Honestly? Loosely organized chaos. I own a Montessori preschool, as well as an association management firm. I manage two full time clients (their accounting, marketing, public relations, event planning, administration, etc., etc.). I am married, have two daughters (six and two), two dogs, two guinea pigs and somewhere around 30 fish to care for. My day starts somewhere around 5:30 and ends somewhere around 1-ish. I spend some time in the preschool, a lot of time behind the computer or phone working with scientists and business professionals around the world, try to make sure to have some one-on-one time with my girls, and try to cram some volunteer work (usually CHD related) into the few remaining hours of my day.

Describe the moment that your doctor told you that your daughter had a heart defect?

It was a moment of pure, unadulterated shock. We knew something was wrong, but had thought it was minor at best. As the doctor drew a crude drawing of a heart on a napkin, his hand was shaking. He would not look me in the eye as he discussed her emergency intubation, that she needed to be medivaced out immediately, that surgery was her only option, and it was dire that intervention happened immediately. Until that moment, I had never even fathomed the possibility of a heart defect. I didn’t even know what CHD was.

In that moment, I asked stupid questions. One of the first, which I still cringe at, was if she would have open heart surgery, and if there would be a scar. Well, yes, dummy. What a stupidly naive question, so irrelevant to the life and death situation we were in. But I couldn’t connect the dots. I’d just had my daughter a few hours before, only 7 minutes after flying through the ER doors. And now they were telling me she was struggling for her life. I hadn’t had time to hold her. I hadn’t even really seen her. It was all just too much to take in.

After a long night of trying to wrap my mind around the situation and my reaction, I decided to change immediately how I was dealing with the trauma. I refused to let myself go down that “shocked” road again. My mode of operation since has been to push all emotions aside and to get analytical and realistic when faced with life-death situations. Of course, there are a lot of drawbacks to ignoring emotions and refusing to allow shock to take over - it only gives them opportunity to fester and grow, and it’s often ugly to deal with their neglected mutations after the emergency has passed. But it has helped me to become a better advocate in traumatic situations. Some people comment on this being a strength, but in fact it is not. It’s a total weakness - I admire other parents and patients that can cope with the emotional aspects of medical trauma while it is in progress.

What is your wish for your daughter?

That technology is always ahead of her in terms of treatment and her medical needs. That she lives a full and happy life. And that she never doubts for a second how much I love her. (Both of them!)

Chin up!

2009-01-29T00:14:00.002-05:00

I saw a great quote today, on a message board for some acquaintances whose little girl was just diagnosed with brain cancer last week.

LIFE ISN'T ABOUT WAITING FOR THE STORM TO PASS...
.....IT'S LEARNING HOW TO DANCE IN THE RAIN !

Sure, it's been used before, but for some reason, it really stuck today. And so, on that note, I'm resetting my mental framework officially, back to the present. I won't lie, I took a bit of a nose dive for a few weeks, but I'm over the hump and looking up.

And I'll begin by bragging about my kids a bit. You KNOW you want to hear it.

Katie's doing AWESOME with math. Amy, our teacher at Three Oaks, just moved her onto multiplication today. My Kindergartener is multiplying. How cool is that?! Further confirmation that my daughter is brilliant and that the Montessori method of teaching rocks. Katie LOVES her math work, and is so very proud of herself.

And Sadie is now talking in complete sentences. Just three short months ago I was worried about developmental delays with language, and now she is going off the charts verbally. She's very hard to understand, but works really hard to properly enunciate her words. Today she was sitting beside a little boy, rubbing his back as he worked (she's very touchy/feely). He looked up at me and said "She really loves me, you know." "Yes," she said, "I love him." And it begins...

Jason managed to get one more week squeezed out of his job, so that was a good thing. His last day is Friday, but he's confident he'll find something soon. He's got an interview next week (not for a specific job, with a recruiting agency), so hopefully that will open some doors.

And as for me, I relinquished quite a bit of the added stress I'd taken on with some volunteer efforts the last few months. I realized that the work I was doing was important, but not so much so that my mental and physical health should be put at stake (this realization came to me in the middle of the night as I lay shivering in bed with the flu over the weekend, while entering data for that volunteer work). I was pushed to my limits with a few negative people, and decided to exit stage left. And I feel good about it. I'm going to ensure the transition is a smooth one, and that my efforts don't go to waste, then I'm drawing the curtain on that portion of life for a while. I need to stop and breathe, spend time with the girls and reconnect with my friends.

Running for 'Manda

2009-01-21T21:48:00.003-05:00

It's that time of year again - Ukrop's 10K time! This year I will be running in honor of my long-time friend, Amanda, who continues to fight leukemia. Last year I ran for the first time, in her place. It was the day that she began to discover what her diagnosis was, after a series of strange illnesses. This year I want to get a better time by at least five minutes, and to make her proud.

Anyway, I'm in the process of forming a team - temporarily called Team Amanda. Let me know if you're interested! We won't necessarily run the race together, but we'll meet up afterwards, party and add back some of the calories lost, and toast to the Great Amanda. I'm hoping Amanda will be able to join in the affair, but we'll have to see what is going on with her health and scheduling.

As our mascot and motivation, I'm also hoping to find a time for a little kick-off shindig (if we can fit it into her crazy treatment/health/upcoming travel schedule). Let's get out there and show her we love her, pound some pavement and make her proud!!

One step forward, two steps back...

2009-01-19T20:38:00.002-05:00

Life was beginning to turn a bit closer to our average shade of normal last week. Jason's feeling better and pretty much back together from all his medical drama. Sadie's mellowing a bit after weeks of tantrums. Katie was happy to have rediscovered the joy of the school routine. And I got back up off the couch after two days of sick/exhaustion and got back into life.

Then the newest fun hit. Jason has become another victim of the economic downturn. As of Friday, he will be unemployed. If you know of anyone looking for a brand manager, let him know.

And so, the fun continues. I'm stressing in a weird, detached way. I know life will continue, and that we'll either make it or we won't financially, and that there's nothing we can do except search for opportunities. I've been struggling with a decision as to whether or not to continue in association management (the pay is abysmal in a small firm like mine), so I, too, will be on the market. Of course I have the school to contend with too. But I don't get paid to work there (breaking even is finally happening), so I can't hold my hopes on that to grow fast enough to support our family. I'm on the lookout for graphic design and writing freelance stuff to help fill in the gaps. You know, when I'm not working on my two companies or two clients...

OK, it's not all dreary here. Katie and Sadie are both in super fun stages right now. Katie has really taken off with her reading, which is a lot of fun (though it sucks that I can't get away with spelling things out in front of her anymore - time to break that habit). Sadie suddenly became a talking machine and talks, nonstop, day and night. I love her singing - she's quite the diva. My favorite goes something like this... "Fossy Snowman! Joll-ee Sowelll!"

Anyway, onward and upward. I'm hoping this "setback" is actually a sign of something bigger on the horizon!

Not so tough, are ya?!

2009-01-05T00:09:00.007-05:00

During the past two weeks, a lot of people have told me I am strong. I want to set the record straight. I am NOT strong. My nerves are raw and my emotions are on edge. I've cried the past two days over multiple things, big and small. I'm exhausted and, dare I admit, feeling a tad blue. I know, I shouldn't be. I have a lot to be thankful for. But there it is, I said it - I'm weak.

I know that the "you're so strong!" comments are meant in sincerity, and as a compliment. I do appreciate the votes of confidence. But the "me" that comes out on this keyboard or chit chats on the phone is far from the deeper "me" that is curled up in the recesses of my brain in a fetal position, rocking away, rocking away...

For some reason our family got hit by two major medical traumas in two short years. And I had a front row seat both times. When you're thrown into something like that, you don't HAVE a choice but to hold it together and "stay strong." But I'll tell you, the minute it's all over with, I, for one, go to pieces.

So, I disappeared the last few days from humanity. I spiked a nice fever at 102 the day after Jason was released from the hospital, and two days later, when it went away, I was left feeling more exhausted than I ever remember feeling before. The adrenaline that kept me going during crisis mode has long since gone, leaving behind a worn-out, stressed-out mess in its wake. I was home with the kids and Jason for what felt like an eon, leaving only for doctors appointments and must-have Target trips. I answered the door in pajamas. I didn't bathe for two days at a time. Thank goodness for our friends in the local Mended Little Hearts, who were so kind to bring food by for our family this past week. I had no presence of mind to cook, clean or do anything beyond caring for the kids and Jason (when allowed - he's rather irritable on all those steroids). I pretty much fell to pieces.

Tomorrow things start up again. The girls are back to school, our preschool is again open, and my consulting business is back in full-swing, gearing up for tax season. Jason goes back to work, as well, though he's still not quite back to his normal self (he's dying to go back to work - that right there is an indicator that something still isn't quite right).

I'm ready to move on, too. To pick up the pieces and get life back in order. Tomorrow is a new day, in a new year that I KNOW holds great things! I just need to pull it together, get up off the couch and get back in the game.

Almost Famous

2008-12-30T21:26:00.004-05:00

Last night in the ER I got the first taste of the rarity of a medical emergency like Jason's. The nurses recognized me, those that didn't whispered as I walked past. Sadie's illness was taken very seriously, and all the stops were pulled to make sure she was OK. And I was frequently asked how he was doing now that he was off the ventilator, and if he was more lucid. Today I had complete strangers ask how he was - our local Target pharmacist, a CVS pharmacist last night, and then my primary care physician, whom I had not discussed the case with. It turns out there is a reason why.

The fun continued last night after listening to my home answering machine. The dermatologist Jason saw a couple of weeks ago called to leave the lab tests results. Turns out that there are a "hint of auto antibodies" in one of the cultures. We have yet to work on what that means, but my Google searches yielded insights as to why we were having protein (and thus swelling) issues in the CCU during his intubation. It also may explain why the virus he had ravaged him so much - his immune system is likely out of whack. Now to figure out why.

This morning Jason was released from the hospital, but before I picked him up I told him of the results, and we used speaker phone to notify the attending nurse, who passed the word onto the doctor.

In the mean time, apparently the culture came back positive from the first night - and it shows H Flu. It's pretty rare to contract due to Hib vaccinations. So we're piecing together how he could have gotten it.

In a new Michael Crichton turn (no more ER, think more like "Congo"), I was standing in line at Target after dropping off some prescriptions when my phone rang. I didn't recognize the number, but decided to answer, thinking it may be Jason's work or the hospital. It was the Department of Health.

The gentleman on the other line of the phone was calm and collected as he asked about our family, living conditions, the children's health, my health. He mentioned a possible quarantine and prophylactics, but wanted to gather more information first. As we talked, I found out he'd already received lab reports from the hospital (which had alerted him to the situation), had spoken to our and the children's primary care physicians and knew most of our medical history. He'd talked to our pharmacist and gotten those records. And he knew about Jason's dermatology referral. He was just quizzing me, I guess... he already knew the answers. Creepy. Talk about Big Brother.

State Health guy said he'd call back in a few minutes with directives. When he called back, he wasn't quite so foreboding, but asked how I'd been feeling. He had found out from ER records (which he'd requested and I'd just released) that I had Jason's sputum (which included a lot of blood) all over my face and clothes that day. Not shockingly, it's not a good thing, so they wanted me to get on antibiotics immediately. When I told him that my throat had been hurting with what I thought was sympathy pains or dry air, he told me to immediately go to my primary care provided for a culture and the goods (antibiotics). At my doctor's office I had cultures taken, confirmed a fever of over 101 and he confirmed my throat was cherry red with white patches. I can't tell you how happy this makes me after what we've all been through the past five days.

As far as the girls, it turns out I hadn't been overreacting when I took Sadie to the ER last night. She's on the correct antibiotics, which they gave because they knew it was either a stress or h-flu type of infection (thanks to her daddy's medical records). Katie is headed for the doctor tomorrow, and I'm a bit worried by what I originally thought was a bug bite that now looks much worse on the side of her face. She had strep a little over two weeks ago, and a 10-day course of antibiotics, but they weren't the ones that fight these particularly nasty strains of strep and flu. I'm not OVERLY worried, though, because both girls were away from him during his coughing spasms and stridor, so it's unlikely they were infected. Our extended family has been informed to be vigilant, but it is very unlikely they'd be sick, even those present on the day he was so sick in our home. I had cordoned off the area he was sick in and had sterilized everything the following day, so we're OK on that front. Friends and family who visited in the hospital are fine - they had a HEPA filter going the entire time, and he was no longer infectious by the time he woke up.

So, tonight I'm feeling more like a Michael Chrichton book than the ER mini-series he produces. I'm exhausted and have a fever of about 102. I've been sick the entire time, but just kept going knowing I didn't have another option. I also kind of thought, to be honest, that I was being a bit of a hypochondriac given the terrible things I witnessed with Jason on Christmas day. Several nights I woke up having difficulty swallowing, which I'd attributed to stress.

I'm hoping that by tomorrow Sadie is much better, and I'm on the mend, and that by the first day of 2009 we're over this hump. I know Jason has a bit of a road ahead in determining the true nature of the medical problems that led to his hospitalization, but just to have each one of our health OK for a day would be great.

As an aside, I know I haven't really been writing like my normal self. This whole thing has been a weird, life-changing kind of event, and not just for me. Jason is trying to process what he saw, how he feels, and where he "went" during all of this. It's hard to lose 3 days of your life. I'll leave the details of the events and his emotions for him to tell - if he wants to, to whom he wishes to share it.

I, on the other hand, wonder who this person is coming home. Will he be the same? Will his life change forever? And how do I process all of this, myself? He said and saw some crazy things in there. And he's got a very different outlook on life at the moment. I just wonder if that will last, or change. I don't know how else to describe what I'm feeling now, and it's definitely too deep to bring to the surface yet, let alone write about. I may never talk about it, actually. I just don't know.

On this episode of ER...

2008-12-29T23:06:00.004-05:00

Jason is doing well, having "stepped down" from Critical Care to the Cardiac/Pulmonary Unit. His vitals are good, and he's feeling better with each passing minute, making incredible progress at a fast pace. The nurses are amazed.

Meanwhile, down in the ER, most of the show's "regulars" are back in play, with an unusually high volume of patients with a vast variety of maladies. Special Guest Kim Thies (who appeared on last week's episode) makes another appearance, this time with her youngest daughter, Sadie, who presents with many of the symptoms of a rare and deadly disease - the one which everyone is still discussing from the previous week. The nurses drop in to visit with Kim, her sister and the young child, talking about the miraculous intervention the previous week while the child waits to be evaluated.

The young child is sent home after about 4 hours on antibiotics after a series of soft-tissue x-rays and minor probing. A strep A test has yielded negative results, but the child clearly has a strep-like bacteria or virus harboring in the back of her throat... strangely similar to her father's.

On the way out of the hospital, Kim goes by the patient Jason's hotel room with her young daughter in tow, and a tearful reunion ensues.

As the episode concludes, the Kim returns home exhausted and calls Jason in the hospital, dancing around the issues and things that have yet to be discussed. They talk only momentarily about the need to search more deeply for answers to unwrap the medical history. And they make plans for his return home the next day.

In the fade out, Kim is seen typing away in a quiet house, sipping hot tea to soothe her raw, sore throat.

End scene. (and our day)

Coming to...

2008-12-29T14:43:00.002-05:00

Today isn't nearly as entertaining as yesterday, but it's not as intense, either. I'm actually taking an afternoon break at home to catch up on some work stuff, file insurance and all the other goodness that comes with an extended hospital stay.

The doctors think Jason can come home very soon, possibly even tomorrow - all his vitals are fine. He's functioning very well, and no longer hallucinating. His motor skills are not there yet, and he's functioning like he's a very smart drunk. For those of you that have seen him drunk, you know he's not a smart one, so that part is kind of weird. :) He's not really up and walking much, but we'll probably try that again this afternoon. Basically, today he's back to himself, annoying me to death about how much longer it will be before he can leave. Every 5 minutes... it's worse than a road trip to DisneyWorld with a 4 year old.

The girls will probably both be back with me tomorrow too. So for the moment I'm enjoying my few moments away from the beeps and sanitizer smells (even if I'm working). Now that the crisis is over, I'm ready to crash for about a week.

Over the Hump

2008-12-29T00:01:00.002-05:00

Jason was extubated this morning, and has been doing really well. I've laughed a lot today at his weird comments, imaginary friends and musical references. The day nurse was really concerned about his lack of lucidity, but for once, I haven't been. I just feel that since they were giving him an overload of meds to keep him down that it's being stored longer than normal in his body fat. As the day went on, he got more and more coherent and lucid. He's still forgetting comments made just moments before, but he's also undergone a major trauma and has no recollection after Christmas eve (which is expected and part of the nature of the drugs he was given, and something I'm thankful for right now).

Some of our fun today included wanting to go on a search for a missing Snuffalopogus (who apparently had been in the room with us most of the day). When Jason was asked shortly after being brought out of his sleeping state who I was, he said excitedly "she's THAT lady." He later referred to me as the "one who fell down the mountain on skis that he laughed at and followed" (long story - but it is one that's about a decade old now). He spent quite a bit of time chatting up the IV machine. And at one point he was gazing at/around me, just beaming. I asked him what was going on. He exclaimed it was just so beautiful. I said something like I hadn't even put on makeup or done my hair. He said, "No, not you. That beautiful crystal blue waterfall behind you with the dancing bears." Ummm, yeah. I couldn't make this stuff up if I had to.

In addition to the fun outbursts ("scratching nuts!," "lalalalala" and "grape wash"), lapses into various Duran Duran references (he frequently told me he was "Hungry Like a Wolf" before lapsing into uncontrolled giggles) and singing "Sister Christian," he was also "picking" quite a bit and trying to pull out his oxygen, iv's and such. I was hands-on, all day long, except for a brief respite when some friends came to visit (thanks Cristen, Pam, Steve, Tanya and Seamus - it sooo helped my sanity). I'm exhausted, but in a better way than before. Where I had woken up this morning feeling downhearted and thinking it was going to be possibly another week of CCU (based on what they told me lat night), I'll be getting up tomorrow to the hope that it will be only days before he's out of there. BIG difference from the 3-4 weeks they were projecting previously.

Thanks for all the thoughts, prayers, comments and support. We have the best network of friends and loved ones anyone could ask for.

I hate ICUs

2008-12-27T14:34:00.002-05:00

I hate the smell, the beeps, the droning fans and the life support machines lying around. I hate when the staff start saying "every case is different" followed by "I haven't seen this before." But even more so, I hate when they avoid responses to your questions, or worse, don't tell you of changes. I can see changes. I'm not blind.

Edema is setting in fast - I went home for 2 hrs, and came back to +3 swelling in his extremities. He's had to be suctioned more frequently, and it's thick and bloody. They avoided explanation, until I asked them if what I was seeing was acurate. They agreed (who knows what they are holding back that I don't see). Yeah, I'm officially worried now.

Monday is now the very earliest they will extubate.